Can't trust my husband

[mumandnurse]

Hi everyone, I’m really hoping that speaking to strangers will help me out! I will keep this as short as possible.

My husband and I have been together 8 years. We have always been best friends and I have never questioned our trust right up until I was pregnant with our first. DH has done some recreational drugs occasionally on a night out when younger and we were first together. We were young, no commitments- it wasn’t for me but it didn’t hugely bother me. Fast forward a few years and nothing like that had been seen or mentioned for years, I just assumed he has grown up and it was a phase. So now I’m pregnant with our first, he goes on a night out. When he gets home I know he’s done coke from his behaviour. Next day he admits to it and says it’s a one off (i was fuming as I was pregnant!! I mean grow up your going to be a dad). The next incident I can remember is my daughter being about 4 months old, we had a bbq for DHs birthday. People kept disappearing upstairs- I’m not stupid, they were doing coke in the toilet. I was hoping DH was not one of them but I followed him upstairs and listened outside the door. He did it in the toilet next to our babies bedroom while she slept!! While I was sober to care for her.

Since then (3 years now) there has been numerous lies, me catching him out and then him crying and telling me he hates himself, I deserve better blah blah blah. The thing I struggle with the most is he is still my best friend, and an amazing dad to our girls. I do not want to break our family up but this is making me paranoid and bitter.

I already know what you guys will say but I’m asking anyway.

Thank you for reading x

I think there are two issues. The first is how often he is using drugs, and whether he is at or near the point of addiction. If he is, throw him out now, as addicts are manipulative and your life will be hell until he is clean.

If this is just occasional use, then the issue is what you’re willing to tolerate, what you are not, and in the latter case, whether he is willing to change to accept what you want.

These are all many years ago events, has something happened lately to worry you

I took the post as meaning ongoing issues over the past three years.

Coke has a very malign influence on the user's personality. In my experience it makes them paranoid and violent.

I'm sorry OP

I think it depends on the details. How often is he doing it? Is he holding down a full time job and working hard? Is he only doing it recreationally, with friends, every now and then. I’m not saying it’s ok but lots of people do drugs recreationally without issue. I even know doctors who do drugs. Plenty of people with high stress, high responsibility do it. I don’t and if it’s not your thing, then it’s not your thing but I’m not sure I’d end a marriage over it depending on the details. Is he spending money that you can’t spare on it? Is he doing it while alone in the house with the kids? If he’s doing it now and then only at parties when he knows your sober to look after the kids.. is that a dealbreaker? Could you work out a compromise? He never does it in the house. He goes out once a month with mates and does it to blow off steam. He only spends a set amount that you agree on it. Would you be happy with that? If you are a blanket NO then that’s entirely your perogative so you then really need to end the marriage as you aren’t compatible. The issue I can foresee is will he then have the kids every other weekend and honestly, how will you know he’s not doing it when he’s got them? I have no idea how you’d have any control or knowledge over that. For me personally, I’d be happier working out a liveable compromise so that I knew the kids were safe but that’s my personal opinion.

How much longer will you allow yourself to be diminished by this toxic cycle? How much longer will your daughters be exposed to an unstable home full of mistrust?

He is not an amazing father if he is using and abusing drugs. He is not your best friend if he lies and causes you great anxiety and uncertainty.

Three years and nothing has changed. You need to take control and end it. You and your girls deserve peace and stability.

You would benefit from individual counseling as you move on.

Using drugs recreationally is okay but ONLY if you are okay with it. It is not okay if you have made your feelings clear about drugs and he continues to use them.

I’ve just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years - at the very beginning of our relationship (as with all of my relationships) I made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with them and if that is the case I didn’t want it to get serious. He lied and it became a huge point of contention in our relationship and hurt me every day.

It works for some people and not for others and you need to really think about how much of a deal breaker it is for you. If it hurts you this much then it is okay to do what is best for you and your children!

I hope you make the right decision for you OP x

I even know doctors who do drugs

Doctors are famous for doing drugs, nothing clever or new there. I've even heard of doctors who are famous murderers, and?

Coke is a funny old drug - something about knowing it's there just makes you need to have some! I actually much prefer it to alcohol as you just get a buzz of confidence and you don't feel out of control ( like being drunk).

However as a mum of a 4 month old - those days are long behind me!

So I can see why he would do it occasionally.

However, him getting upset and saying he hates himself makes me think he might be using a lot more than recreationally?

You've written about him before, haven't you? The bbq and coke. If you're still feeling shit about it it's time to do something about it.

So my question is. Is was he taking them while you were trying? This could have really harmed your baby. It makes me angry, people are like this, and there are people who don't take drugs or binge drink and suffer terrible health issues they don't deserve. I think in all honesty, the lying is what will affect your relationship, and eventually your mh and it might be easier for you to go your separate ways.