Wife's lack of interest in any sexual activity

[GiveItToMe]

Wife and I have been married 16 yrs and have a 13yo DD and 6yo DS. Since the birth of our eldest my wife's libido dropped noticeably, which is understandable when you have a baby/toddler running you ragged most of the day/night. We used to have sex several times a week before birth of DD. She would get aroused from kissing and caressing and just show enthusiasm for doing it if you get what I mean. She would even play with me and give oral/hand job quite often. The frequency decreased noticeably but still she showed some enthusiasm. Since the birth of our son it's all but completely gone now. We probably average around 1/2 times every 5 weeks now, with very little interaction from her. I have to initiate and do the work and I don't just mean the act of intercourse either. Now, even if on the rare occasion she does start to give me a handjob when lying in bed she ends up falling asleep after 2-3 minutes! Talk about biggest turn-off ever.

Since our DDs birth, she very rarely gets aroused anymore. I could be massaging her, stroking/kissing her over her whole body, not rushing anything and making sure she's at ease. Even that doesn't get her wet. The only thing that does get her wet and 'ready' (sorry for the crudeness) is when I give her oral sex - which I like giving as she always orgasms from it, and I take great pleasure from knowing that she's really enjoying it and want to make sure she's satisfied (to some extent at least). I always ensure I go down on her when we engage in sexual activity. I only recall a handful of times when she's been wet before sex without me having to give oral. Which in turn is a super turn-on for me. I can't recall the last time she went down on me in last few years but I do remember she used to often before our son's birth.

The other thing is, I am the one who is always initiating and quite frankly it's getting boring especially when there's lack of any enthusiasm from my wife. It's hard to tell if she genuinely wants to do anything or is just doing it for my sake. Even when we do have sex it's the same thing each time. She never tells me what she wants, doesn't 'play' with me if you know what I mean. This in turn makes me not want to try anything. Sometimes I haven't initiated in the hope she might be up for it, but it's the same 'ol story of nothing then happening at all. On occasions it's gone 3 months without any sexual activity! But I eventually cave in, frustratingly.

Interestingly, if I don't try do anything for a several weeks or so she gets upset that I don't want to do anything and questioning if I still find her attractive and that she's been wanting some sex. I just feel like ripping my hair out at times.

I'm not sure how to talk to her about it as I don't want it to become an issue and something to argue about/upset her. I certainly don't want it to then feel forced whereby she's doing something, or doing it more often, just to placate me. No, for me that would be even worse than no sex. Nor do I want her to think like there's something at 'fault' with her. I have a high sex drive, she doesn't. Never the twain shall meet it seems.

Incidentally, I do my fair share of helping around the house and kids and yes we are both tired by the end of the day so I can understand sex is never going to be on her mind when we hit the sack. I can live with less sex to some extent but the lack of any willingness from her is what's eating at me. In some respects I've resigned myself to this now and am trying not to let it get to me, but then there are moments when we've had sex and I think it can be so much better and more - what it used to be like : (

Sorry for waffling on...

I think you need to talk to your wife but don't phrase it like it's her 'problem' or you're complaining. Just say you've noticed she doesn't seem to initiate anymore and is there anything you could do to help. You could also say how it makes you feel, which might help her to see it from your perspective.

I'm watching 'Sex on the Couch" on BBC3 there which is sex counselling for couples and they have some great suggestions like a jar of "favours" or just cuddling for 5 mins before sex or touching without goal of PIV. I think it's quite useful.

Have you talked to her? Perhaps you should tell her this.

Interestingly, if I don't try do anything for a several weeks or so she gets upset that I don't want to do anything and questioning if I still find her attractive and that she's been wanting some sex.

She's definitely still into you, which is a good sign. I think it's more of a case of getting her more into you.

Say it to her. Not in a negative way. " you never want sex"! Say that you have noticed that she wants sex leas and less and ask her why it is. It is definitly not to do with you. She is probably tired or whatever. Then you cab work together to find a solution. Maybe get a babysitter, set a date night. Etc

Well it would be perfectly fair to question her if SHE still finds YOU attractive.

She asks you that, so why not ask her yourself?

It might open a dialogue about her lack of interest. You could say you find it hurtful that she doesn't seem to have much interest in you physically and sometimes wonder if she still fancies you as a result.

I often think that if there is a problem with sex, then there is a problem in the relationship, which I think there is because you don't even feel comfortable discussing it with your wife even though you've been married for over a decade. You've let this problem build up for too long.
I think start over, as if this is a new relationship. Go on dates, get to know each other again without the children, people change over time, you may discover new things about your wife or rediscover things you had long forgotten. She is a whole person. Not just a sexual partner

I think she's upset when you don't try anything because she's worried you might be finding sex elsewhere. She doesn't want sex with you, but doesn't want you having sex with anyone else. That's probably why she goes along with it when you make a move.

Shit Park is right. Make her feel beautiful & sexy without sex being the end goal.

When you are a mother someone needs you all the time. A whinging OH is just another chore & a turn off. Spoil her with attention for no reason other than love her. Not simply when u want something in return.

Don't assume u know what she likes either. That may have changed & she's bored.

I agree with PP, ask her if she still fancies you. Do you think shes interested in other men or having an affair?

What's her general mood like, could she be suffering from depression?

What contraception are you using, is she taking anything different from when her sex drive was higher?

Did she have any injuries/body changed due to 2nd birth that might affect her comfort, self confidence etc.?

The effect of two kids is possibly a factor, they are very knackering and distracting.

Do you ever get a break/away/date night - get out of the home environment where she might be stuck in a rut physically and mentally re. household crap, looking after kids etc.?

Also have a Google of "responsive desire" since this seems to apply to a lot of women esp in LTRs.

Its a good idea to rule these factors out. But it seems to be common for a woman's attraction towards her partner to just naturally decrease after several years together, especially after children. Judging by his description it seems her desire is at a very low level. She's making an effort, but the attraction isn't there.

Believe it or now I would say your post is very good on two fronts:

1. You’ve achieved the unthinkable on MN and framed an argument from the husband’s POV about missing sex with your DW and feeling the frustration in a fair and honest light. Your post seems to emit a genuine wish to switch the intimacy back on, it’s evident you love her.

1. So on that front, to echo PPs, do up the kissing and touching and compliments to foster that intimacy. Having wee kids batters intimacy and in turn sex. As corny as it sounds you have to make time for one another and laugh and cuddle and fool around.

I am sort of in your wifes position right now: I have 2 under 4, another on the way and DH and I have done it around 5 times max this past year.

It’s timing; I’m shattered at the end of the day and bed for me know is a sanctuary of magazines, Breathe Right nose strips and giant pregnancy pillows. I remain hopeful that we will get back on the right track but I know that I need to act in the future on using the other parts of the house and not just the bedroom as it’s different and I want to.

However for some time yet I can’t act on it as I’m mega huge and I don’t want to mention it to DH as it feels weird to schedule in a good banging for sometime around September 2019.

Either way, the best to you sir. You sound like a decent fellow.

I'd like to echo that you do sound like a decent fellow, OP. It's good to read a post like this - well, not good, but you know what I mean.

I recommend getting a couple of copies of 'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapman. The premise is that we each tend to give and receive love / feel love in one of five ways.

1. Words of Affirmation,
2. Physical Touch (not necessarily sexual),
3. Receiving (& giving) Gifts,
4. Quality Time and
5. Acts of Service.

The concept of the book (which is a little clunky and stereotypical in places) is that if your primary love language is Acts of Service, and your other half's language is Words of Affirmation and they keep telling you how much they love you and how wonderful you are, you won't feel loved.

It is a really simple idea, but very effective. There's a questionnaire in the back of the book so you can work out what your main love language is and your partner can do it too.

The conversations people have after you have totted up your scores are really illuminating. My DH and I did the questionnaire when we were first together (I am just a blast to be in a real with ) and then again 10 years later after 3 kids. It was fascinating to see how our love languages had changed.

The book has its limitations and some have argued it's a little reductionist / simplistic, but it has helped us, and a lot of people we know.

My advice is to work on building up the love and warm feelings towards each other, with no 'agenda' of improving your sex life, but just with a view to keeping your relationship strong, and then the sex might well improve naturally.

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel is another good read.

You taking the initiative to do stuff to boost intimacy, in the emotional, relational sense rather than the modern sense of the word, is likely to be a very attractive quality. And also, to build in some fresh things to do as a couple (Go Ape high ropes course, dance class, whatever grabs you), so that your wife can see you in a new way - to create that positive distance and 'other'ness where we are intrigued by another person.

What first attracted her to you, OP?

When you don't have children you can spend the whole day flirting, thinking about what's going to happen later that evening, getting in the mood. When you do, your time with your partner is often spent dealing with the kids and by bedtime you are knackered and not even thinking about sex. It is difficult but you need to change your patterns. How about mornings?

Yes to the PP who mentioned Esther Perel.

She’s the bomb and doesn’t mince her words.

I am sure she has a podcast too, give it a spin OP

I feel a bit like this sometimes (like the wife) and for me it is about other stuff that DH sometimes. For example the children getting older, understanding more (can they hear?) hormones...as well and tiredness. My DH does tend not to understand. It might help to get some time alone. Time to just spend away from the children, no chores, breakfast together etc. I think that might help us. But yes, talking might help.

And sometimes even small things can help like getting a lock on bedroom door.

I can't speak for all women but for me arousal happens in the mind more than anything. Sometimes all the skilled touching in the world wouldn't produce much obvious arousal if my head wasn't in it and other times I can be 'wet and ready' (as you put it) from purely my thoughts alone with no touching! If you have got stuck in a rut of going to bed after a long day and then trying to turn her on when she's tired through tried and tested physical moves (e.g oral) she probably won't have much mental enthusiasm for it so will not respond as you would want or have much interest in initiating herself. Sometimes the smallest things can spark horniness such as a suggestive remark or something a bit out of the normal routine to remind you both of why you fancied each other in the first place. Do you ever get time together e.g when the kids are at school to maybe take it into a different room to get some spontaneity back?

Another with older dc put off by the fact that the teens never sleep and there is never a ‘good’ time except late at night when I just want to sleep. Our lives at the moment seem to consist of us passing like shops on the night. It’s rubbish.

Ester Perel is good. Alot of women need to feel attractive or confident in themselves. It's a great sign that you both have intimacy and she enjoys you when you do have sex. I don't think this is about what your doing I think this is about her. You can't change someone, that's up to them and they need to want to change themselves. You could mention it to her but I suspect that will increase tension and stress due to the expectation.

I would go down the lines of the flirting, building her confidence and investing time in her. Tell her that she looks amazing, smells nice, is beautiful. Appreciate her point of view on all matters. Go back to basics, date each other again and do it without expectation. You may need to accept that this is the way it's going to be.

She could possibly have post natal depression or just be generally tired from having a baby.
I didn't have post natal depression but I know if I'm generally feeling low I don't feel good about myself let alone about my body.
Talk to your wife and maybe see, if you can set up a time where you are both alone out of the house.
I also don't know, if most women are like this but I particularly get pissed of if my dh comes to bed and tries it on.
We are not there, just to suit our husbands things work both ways. So pamper her, make her feel special and in time maybe things will get better???

Also, doing things like a back rub for example without the expectation of sex in return is nice. You never know she might rub your back too!