What to do, if dh wants to smack and I don't agree?

[beachyhead]

My dh is much bigger on discipline that I am and this weekend smacked our ds 3 on the bottom for rolling a skateboard across the kitchen floor and not listening when he asked him to move it. We had a massive row and I told him it was not acceptable to smack 'my' children, They are of course 'our' children, but how can I enforce the fact that I do not want them smacked. We had agreed in the past that the only time that it would be 'acceptable' and I use that word carefully, would be if they ran out into the road without holding a hand, as that would firmly reinforce the fact it was dangerous.

I know this is contentious but how do you stop a dh smacking if he thinks this is ok?

Not so d at the moment, we haven't really spoken since as if he thinks I am going to apologise for protecting my children he can shove off!!!!!!

We have this argument all the time.
I have smacked my kids but found it didn't work so now i don't. Dp still does, and I always end up saying exactly what you did 'my children'.

Luckily I usually manage now to difuse the situation before it gets to the point of dp smacking them, but ocasionally he still does it and it causes a row.

He won't back down about it and neither will I.

Sorry haven't really got any useful advice to add. Perhaps sit down and talk about what would be acceptable to both of you.

I always find the naughty stair works with my children. I don't disagree with smacking at all but only use it as a last resort. Ds and dd get put on the naughty stair 1st. Basically they have to sit on the stairs on their own for a period of time. They both hate this and it seems to do the trick.

This was something I talked about to my dh before we even had children as I feel so very strongly about it. I don't think i would have had children with someone who wanted to smack them, that's how strongly I feel. He did swat ds once, and I was very, very angry and he won't do it again. I'm not sure what to advise in your situation, but I would , I suppose, sit down, say that for you this is non-negotiable, and upsets you very, very much. Remind him that he agreed with you not to smack, and then talk about ways of dealing with difficult situations that you can agree on. Ie giving a warning first, then taking the skateboard away. I also really recommend plonking him in front of Little Angels & Supernanny to see that it is possible to change children's behaviour without smacking.

I told dp that I would hit HIM if he ever smacked dd! Not a very sophisticated answer to your question though!

So neither of us smack, and it really has not been necessary. DD is 5 now. We try not to raise our voices for discipline either, so that in a real emergency, if we shout, dd takes a lot of notice - eg shouting STOP! if she was about to run into the road.

Thanks for all of that - we do use the naughty step and we do say that treats will be taken away etc. The basic premise is that I actually don't think they are that badly behaved and I am prepared to put up with more bouncing around and noise than he is. He is far firmer on discipline and can't bear it when they don't do exactly as they are asked immediately.... maybe I am just used to having to ask three hundred times... (normally its dh I have to ask 300 times, so I have a lot of practice).

He just has a weird way of trying to make them do what he thinks they should be doing - when dd wouldn't concentrate on her homework, he said, I know lets take her down to the local school (not nice and quite rough) and show her if she doesn't work, this is where she'll have to come!!! This is a 7 year old who is well behind at school and is massively stressed over it already!! He just doesn't understand that coaxing and praising can lower stress levels and will work. It know means that I end up having to do all her homework with her as well as everything else, as if she does it with him, she is in tears within 3 mins.

All at a loss today, sorry!!!!!!

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I think you need to talk to him about why you're so angry about it. Very often smacking is used as a discipline method because other, more effective methods are unknown, but that doesn't seem to be the case with you and your DH.

It sounds to me like he needs to lighten up a bit and accept the fact that children behaving as children is not "naughtiness". In other words, the problem is not with the children, but with his attitude to them.

Beachy - I think girls and boys typically respond in different ways to praise and encouragement in their school work.

Dh is taking the attitude of discipline which works well with boys but saps the confidence of girls.

Your approach of praise and encouragement motivates girls but has boys resting on their laurels!

Maybe you could talk about this gender difference with dp - there must eb plenty written about it?

I'd be tempted to smack your h every time he did something you didn't like, or was too slow to respond, and see how he liked it.

Posyhairdresser - I am open-mouthed at your post. I have two boys, and am well aware of gender differences, but would never, ever say that boys respond less positively than girls to praise and encouragement. This has certainly not been my experience at all, and I've never heard it suggested by anyone either.

I am not entirely against smacking but I found my dh was smacking far more than I felt was appropriate. I discussed it with him and I now find he makes an effort to use other forms of discipline instead. That works for us because neither of us is 100% against smacking.
My advise to you would be to sit down with your dh when the present animosity has cooled and work out alternative responses to bad behaviour. I think a lot of people smack because they haven't thought of other forms of disciplining their children. If your dh has other things to resort to you may find that he, like my dh, smacks less (or not at all).
Don't forget though, that he is their father and has to have some form of control over them that both you and he is happy with.

Sorry about bad grammar and spelling. I wrote a perfect response and then ds3 turned off the computer and I lost it so I had to write a rather garbled version to replace it.

Roisin, sorry if I offended you - this was mainly based on my own experience of single sex and mixed schools and what the teachers there said about the differences in gender. The comments are also generalised so not neccessarily true for all girls and all boys, and I was only talking with regard to school work.

I certainly agree that it would be pretty sad never to praise and encourage boys!

I'm not offended - sorry if I sounded a bit abrupt, I was just genuinely shocked.

I have seen my boys leap out of school with huge grins on their faces because they've got a sticker, or a merit certificate or something, or in ds2's case last week his teacher said to him "You're a little star aren't you?" My boys have always been this way - praise/reward-based discipline is far more effective than negative/punishment-based systems ... and the same applies to all the little boys I know sufficiently well to comment.

My dh tends to take the lead from me and as it's me who looks after the children mostly it's me who sets the rules for discipline etc and i'm lucky in that he just enforces what i believe.

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My son responds very positively indeed to praise. I think it is a huge mistake to divide small human beings along gender lines. I also think praise and positivity work best with all humans, big and small.

Agree with the other posters re:smacking. I would also go a bit further; i am concerned at the academic pressure that your daughter appears to be put under by your h and think that needs to be knocked on the head. What sort of message about life and other children is he giving to your daughter by suggesting being sent to the local school is "punishment"? also wonder whether your daughter would be benefited by taking up hobbies/having an outside interest she could shine at to boost her self esteem.

instead of talking to your dh when you want him to move something or do something - smack him ( not in front of the kids). maybe then you can have a conversation over when it is appropriate to smack and when it isnt. if he leaves his socks on the floor - leaves the loo seat up, leaves a dirty plate near the sink or the milk out of the fridge. btw not read the thread ( cant be arsed) so sorry if someone has said this but - hope you dont kick off infront of your kids - or they will get a power buzz of this and know a few more buttons to press!