Long post alert to hopefully avoid drip feeding. I've been responding to a few threads which are similar to my own circumstances but thought I would start my own to get some perspective/advice/insight from others who might have gone through similar.
Brief background for context: with H nearly 25 years, 2 young adult DC (one at home, one at Uni in halls). Very good lifestyle, financially comfortable, both good jobs, good social circle etc. Until he left, he frequently talked about what a great life he had etc. BUT……I have always felt second best, in part due to my low self esteem and in part due to him always prioritising others over me/our DC. We had the same argument every year but nothing changed and I became very resentful and argumentative. End result was he started an emotional affair with a woman he had known in a previous job (although she didn’t actually work with him) after she moved back into the area and he met he in a pub one night. We continued to argue and in full disclosure, I admit I was exhibiting what I can now see was abusive behaviour – stonewalling mainly but also pulling him up unnecessarily and finding fault in things which were really minor. So what I am saying is, I was not completely innocent and in fact, my behaviour could be construed as abusive whereas his would probably be seen as thoughtless/inconsiderate type thing.
Where we are now. He left last August to start a physical affair with this woman. He denied there being anyone else at the time but I knew there had to be due to his habits changing – I know him better than he knows himself! He got drunk one night and told a friend who told his wife – she told him to tell me in 2 weeks or she would – he chickened out, kept denying and lying to everyone so she told me, I confronted and he admitted it. After the initial excitement wore off, he came running back, telling me everything I wanted to hear and moved back in – but nothing changed and I asked him to move back out about 2 months later. He went straight back to her despite all the negative things he told me about the relationship not being right and she was not like what he thought she would be (Doh!). We are now a couple of months down the line and his contact is getting more frequent again – asking to come and see the DC (although they go out to meet him on their own), asking me if I am okay, offering to help with car problems etc. He then dropped the bombshell that he acknowledges he didn’t try hard enough through the marriage and when he moved back in. He is still seeing OW albeit infrequently. He wants us to try again.
So this is my query. I know he is being an arse and mucking us both about. I know what he is doing is shit and selfish and all about him. I know that I probably would never trust him again and would probably not be able to get over him sleeping with someone else.
But at the same time, our lives (me, him and DC) would be better IF we could make it work – and I think it is this that is holding me back from moving on. I also feel guilty because my behaviour in the year or so before the split was poor. It’s almost like I am afraid to stop loving him and let go and I actually at this moment feel more afraid of getting over him than I am of still wanting him – that is the crux of my problem, if that makes sense. I startled myself last week when I found myself looking at a man at work and thinking of him being attractive. Until now, I’ve always thought I would never find anyone attractive or want to be with another man but now I can imagine moving forward with someone else.
Has anyone else been through this and how did you deal with it? As I said, I know his current actions are appalling so I don’t necessarily need that repeated – what I want from this post is how I can help myself in this situation by moving on. Thanks.