Sabotaging my diet?

[greatbighillofhope]

Yesterday dh cooked me breakfast which I ate since he had already cooked it. However, afterwards I said to him I’m really determined to lose some weight over the next few weeks, I’m popping to shops this morning to get some supplements (green tea etc) to help. So, he decides to come with me and I get the supplements and then I want to get on with work (freelance) but he persuaded me to look round the shops. Soon it’s lunchtime and he wants to go to a restaurant, so we eat out for lunch. While we are having lunch he is pressuring me to go out that evening. He says that I am getting boring, I have cut down a lot on my drinking lately and hardly drink at all now. He says he needs cheering up as he is a bit down. He books for a restaurant that I had already said sounded nice but wouldn’t have anything on the menu I could eat as I have food intolerances. Eventually he cancels this one but books another and we end up going out for drinks and then for a 3 course meal at a fancy restaurant (we are also supposed to be saving money right now). I don’t want to sound ungrateful that my husband wants to take me out for a nice meal and spend time with me but I’m just wondering why he would do all that when I’ve explicitly told him that I want to lose weight? And why do I go along with it? I know if I’d said no, he would have been upset with me but why would he even suggest it in the circumstances?

Dieting triggers thoughts about food, not only in the dieter but in those who hear about it. That said he maybe sabotaging because you're re changing the status quo...... less drinking...less eating etc... And he doesn't think you need to. He may just be happy with you as you are. But you seem to be allowing him to 'sabotage' very easily. "No, no, i mustn't, oh ok then" isn't going to make him take you seriously.

It's still possible to diet when eating out. No starter or dessert. Those were your choices, not his. He might have cooked breakfast but you didn't have to eat all of it. Again your choice. There's a lot of passivity in your op: he persuaded me, he pressured me, he decided.... You need to own your choices. Be actually determined!

Is he emotionally abusive? Because I'd like to think if I didn't want to go out to eat then I'd just say so and would hope that my partner would accept that. Eating out twice in one day is not a day to day thing I would do. I also wouldn't have had 3 courses.

P.S. when you've worked out how to do the determined thing can you let me know the secret?! cos I'm queen of self-sabotaging diets!

I lost four and a half stone in a year. DH always weighed less than me but as I reached his weight and carried on losing, he gained three and a half stone.
I’ve gained some back and now I’m losing again and he tries to sabotage me.
He looks at my portion size and tells me that’s tiny etc.
He will call me when he’s at a shop offering to buy me high calorie foods and brings home crisps (he doesn’t eat them mostly but they are my weakness).
It used to bother me seeing them in the cupboard and I’d feel tempted but now seeing them makes me more determined than ever.

My XH used to make me supper when I said I was trying to eat more sensibly - things like mussels in white wine sauce. Now, I do like a mussel, but I never eat supper, so why would he think I would want to eat a huge plateful of mussels at 9.30/10pm?! It drove me nuts.

You can choose healthier options when you go out, and maintain a diet, and you don't need to have three courses or eat everything on your plate.

I do think you need to take some personal responsibility for your choices.

When someone loses weight it can often make people close to them uncomfortable. As a pp said, it changes the status quo. So just stick to your diet and keep saying no. I also wonder if he thinks he’ll have to drink less because you are and he doesn’t want to, does that sound possible?

You need to take control of what you do but I think, for a happier life for all, it’s important to do so in a positive way, eg rather than grumpily refusing a dessert, saying how bad it is etc, just say ‘no thanks’ with a big smile ‘but I’d love a cup of tea while you have yours’. Then you chat merrily so that no one feels like you’re sucking the joy out of social situations just because you’re not stuffing your face.

Big mistake to tell anyone you're on a diet.

Agree with just saying no thank you.

I use tummy feeling off a lot and nobody can argue with that.

Try having alternative suggestions to offer? Instead of sit-down meal, how about a romantic walk and an ice-cream? Go to a gig and dance instead of drinking. That sort of thing.

When it comes to food he makes for you, do your own portion control.

He might well be sabotaging you, but you have to look at your whole relationship and try to see where that is coming from. Is he controlling? Is he insecure? Both?

My H is like this, I don’t tell him if I’m watching what I eat as he’ll go out and buy food that I like. He bought a cake last week, and no one but me ate it, DC didn’t fancy any and H doesn’t usually eat sweet things, I asked him not to buy cake any more, and he said he’d buy cake if he wanted to, I said I wouldn’t eat it and he wasn’t happy. My H is quite controlling over food, we have issues!

Sometimes when partners hear diet they suddenly get insecure. Family members too. I do agree with the poster above who said you need to take responsibility. You didn't have to go out for them meals and a good husband would understand and support your reasons for not wanting to. My DH is my biggest supporter losing weight. But some family members (ILs) will instantly try to make you eat chocolate and crisps soon as they catch wind that you're dieting . It's because they have their own issues with food and weight and are unhappy themselves. You just need to be committed and firm with your answers. If he sulks, let him sulk.

He could be doing this deliberately or sub-consciously or maybe he genuinely enjoys going out and eating and wants you with him.

Whatever it is you need to learn that there will always be feeders and temptations. You have to ready yourself for it. Go for dinner but don't even look at the menu. Order a sparkling water in a wine glass (always makes me feel like I'm having something nicer than water) and a salad.

This is all you.

I have massive history of being unbelievably passive but even though I’m aware of the problem now I find it very, very difficult to break the pattern. Nobody takes me seriously, ever.
I know from experience that saying I don’t want to go out would, one way or another, result in dh having a go at me. I find it very difficult to put myself through that. I want to talk to him about it today as well as a couple of other issues we’ve got going on but I feel myself just wanting to curl up into a ball and ignore it all cos it’ll be so much easier.
Even though these other issues are entirely of his making, and things that for many people would be deal-breakers, I just cause pain by bringing them up. I wonder if he is ‘feeling down’ as a ploy to stop me bringing up difficult subjects. Sorry this is a bit of a drip feed, I am not ready to say what the other issues are.

Is he insecure, afraid if you lose weight you'll be more attractive to the men?

This would bother me, it's not line you will never go out eating again, you just want to kick start weight loss and asked for some support.

You need to start standing up for yourself. People treat us the way we allow them too. Remain passive and you will always be walked over by those, like your husband, that have their own agenda.

But back to your original post, his pushing for meals out when you wanted to lose weight is a red flag. You went shopping to eat healthier AT HOME. Insisting on a restaurant is incredibly dismissive and it would piss me off.

In your shoes I'd say I'm not going to the restaurant and if he gets in a strop, I'd say he never should have pushed the issue because he knew your plan was to eat at home.

Nobody takes me seriously, ever.
So you need to practise being assrtive and saying what you mean, and following through on that. Or else the same will keep on happening.

I know from experience that saying I don’t want to go out would, one way or another, result in dh having a go at me.
Why?? Are you not allowed your own opinion in your relaitonship>? If not, you have a bigger problem than your h sabotaging your diet.

Even though these other issues are entirely of his making, and things that for many people would be deal-breakers, I just cause pain by bringing them up. I wonder if he is ‘feeling down’ as a ploy to stop me bringing up difficult subjects.
I'm sure he is! And you 'causing hm pain' by bringing them up - that's another way for him to put you in your box and ensure you don't talk about things HE doesn't want to talk about. If they'd be deal-breakers for other peple, why are they not for you? Do you have lower standards?

You need to stand up for yourself. Ask him why he's behaving like this: 'DH, you knew my plan was to eat at home tonight. You know I'm on a diet. This is the first time you've suggested we go out to eat in xx months. Why have you done that? It makes me think you're trying to sabotage me. Why?' and see what he says.

Meandyouandyouandme, your h sounds awful. Why do you put up with it?

OK, so from your update, are you suspecting he's controlling and emotionally manipulative/abusive, op?

thelastgoldeneagle thanks I know! I’m making plans to leave, that is the tip of the iceberg unfortunately. Should have left years ago, sorry for the detail OP. I probably have no advice, as I find it hard to stand up for myself too

Bug mistake to tell anyone you're on a diet Ummm no you should be able to tell the person your living with, and share the cooking with surely?

OP you do have to take some responsibility though, You as an adult can say “Look I’m trying to lose weight so I won’t be going to that restaurant at the moment, How about we go to x instead? “ He didn’t tie you down and force fed you a cooked breakfast or a 3 course meal, you ate it of your free will.

Maybe he does what you to stay overweight I don’t know, but you a fully grown capable woman who doesn’t have to do anything you don’t want to.

I have a funny sense about this one too. Especially since you state that if you refused, he would only have a go. That's not the way it should be, at all! I think that is the real issue here, not the food.

Saying that, food is a very good way to control people. My Dad (narc) would do it to my mum but in a benign way. If you go with me to this boring train show then I will buy you food.

Also, some men positively revel in keeping their partners overweight or just unhappy with their appearance as it makes them more easy to control as they have no confidence. Less likely to leave.

Although, my ex did not use food as a form of control against me, when I lost about 7 1/2 stone going from a 22/24 to a 12/14, I did gain the necessary confidence to leave him. I had a wake up call, I felt unhappy and unloved so I left with the children. No other parties involved. It would take a few more years and two complete breakdowns (suicide attempts) before the whole monstrosity of our relationship to be really understood by me.

I'm sure this is also behind it with your partner. It sounds abusive.

Meandyouandyouandme, best of luck to you. You deserve so much better.

I'm a bit concerned about the issues people would consider deal breakers that you're scared to address. I know you don't want to talk about them but it sounds like you've way bigger problems than going out for dinner when you'd rather not.