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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex Advice

14 replies

Fern12 · 10/05/2019 06:15

Hello everyone! My first post and would appreciate some advice!

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, we are both in our late 20s and neither of us have children.

My issue is with his ex girlfriend of 9 years (they split 6 months before we met), who is very possessive over him as a "friend", texting him about personal problems and health issues. She also drunk texts him sometimes and talks about how upset she was about their break up, re-hashing what happened during their relationship.

I told him I don't think it's appropriate. I don't believe in keeping in touch with exes and have been cheated on in the past, so I do struggle to accept their contact. He withdrew from her a bit, although they do still talk. She responded badly and accused him of being a bad friend, to which he responded that I wasn't happy about them being friends and then told her that I had been cheated on (I am livid about this!)

I am fed up of it all and don't know why he still talks to her or what he is getting out of it. I feel very betrayed that he has told her about my past, as it was a very difficult time for me and I don't think that is any of her business!

Ideally, I don't want him to talk to her anymore so that we can all move on. Do you think an ultimatum is unreasonable or have any other tips on how to handle this? I would be happy if they had superficial friendly contact but it doesn't seem possible as she always wants his emotional support for one issue or another.

Thank you!

OP posts:

Jiggies · 10/05/2019 06:28

You've already told him how you feel about it. He's decided that your feelings don't matter much. My problem with ultimatums ia if you issue one and he does decide to finally cut her off, it'll be because he wants to avoid a negative consequence (you leaving) for his own sake rather than because he cares about you or your feelings. I'd leave him to it and let them be the best of friends and have as many emotional drunken conversations as their hearts' desire. I'm willing to bet that he wouldn't be okay with you maintaining such an inappropriate relationship with one of your exes.

RantyAnty · 10/05/2019 06:34

There isn't much you can do about it. Accept it or move on.

Did she leave him?

9 years is a long time and it doesn't sound like he processed the breakup like he should have before moving on.

SusieQwhereareyou · 10/05/2019 06:39

Have you asked him how he would feel if it was the other way around, and what was his response? I think you should also make the point to him that no one would be happy with this, whether they had been cheated on or not! And he certainly shouldn’t have been using that as an excuse to her.
Honestly OP I think to save yourself further stress and heartbreak you should end this now. If that pushes him to process the breakup and change things you can see how you feel, if not he can bring all his baggage to someone else and you don’t have to deal with it.

Original poster

Fern12 · 10/05/2019 06:45

Thanks for your help!

I have asked him how he would feel and he says he wouldn't be bothered if I was friends with an ex (he is a very laid back guy and I do believe him).

The thing that gets me the most is that he told her about my being cheated on in the past, I feel he has really betrayed my trust.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fern12 · 10/05/2019 06:47

He says it was a mutual break up

OP posts:

bigchris · 10/05/2019 06:49

I think you should tell him to cut all contact or it's over

They haven't got kids, shes obviously still in love with him, it's not fair on her for him to be a friend tbh

SusieQwhereareyou · 10/05/2019 06:56

But what you are describing is more than just being friends with an ex and by downplaying it like that, he’s undermining your very reasonable objections!

He has betrayed your trust and it sounds like he told her to justify dialling down their contact and relationship - instead of setting reasonable boundaries with her it’s like him saying oh I don’t want to do this but because Fern12 has been cheated on in the past she’s insecure and I have to accommodate her.

Original poster

Fern12 · 10/05/2019 07:06

Thank you SusieQ, that's exactly how I feel! I really think that in this sort of circumstance he should be the one to make a decision and communicating that for the benefit of our relationship. It feels like he is trying to absolve himself of any responsibility by blaming me rather than managing this himself, if that makes sense?

It is really helpful to have people's replies as often he makes me feel like I am being unreasonable and he has called me controlling a few times (saying he should be able to decide for himself who he is friends with).

OP posts:

LemonTT · 10/05/2019 08:01

Well he can choose his friends and he can choose his boundaries. He has done that. They might be wrong in your opinion, mine and other pps but they are his choices. It is controlling to push him to change them. It’s your decision to tolerate them or not.

As his girlfriend you can influence him but the way you are going about it hasn’t worked. In fact it backfired spectacularly.

He gets comfort from this relationship. They were together a long time and there is attachment on both sides. As others have said they haven’t dealt with their split. He got with you too soon for that to happen. They aren’t behaving like friends and they aren’t behaving as lovers. They are in a trap because they won’t confront their split. What it means for them both is that their relationships with other people won’t work until one of them pulls away. Then other will have a basket of hurt. Perhaps they both will.

The problem is OP this is not about you or your relationship. It’s about them. That’s the kicker in a rebound relationship.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 10/05/2019 09:36

No, you don't get to tell him who he can and can't be friends with. That isn't okay. If you can't handle him being friends with his ex (staying friends with an ex is often a sign of an emotionally mature, well balanced person, by the way) then you end the relationship. You don't start behing in a co trolling way, and trying to dictate who he gets to be friends with.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/05/2019 10:06

Do you think an ultimatum is unreasonable
Yep - no point at all.
Just end this.
It won't improve.
He doesn't care how you feel about it.
He keeps in contact so he can keep his options open.
Also so his ego gets a nice boost.
This guy sounds like a dick.
Time to move on from this one.
Throw him back.

Jiggies · 10/05/2019 10:20

staying friends with an ex is often a sign of an emotionally mature, well balanced person, by the way

There's friends and then there's this:

texting him about personal problems and health issues. She also drunk texts him sometimes and talks about how upset she was about their break up, re-hashing what happened during their relationship.

Would you really be okay if your partner maintained this level of emotional involvement with an ex? Nothing about it screams mature and well balanced to me. I wouldn't be issuing ultimatums or trying to control their relationship though. I'd just leave.

Original poster

Fern12 · 10/05/2019 10:30

Like others have said, I don’t think this is friendship. I agree that an ultimatum doesn’t feel right and I have expressed how I feel already. He says he is meeting me half way by speaking less but I’m still not comfortable. I think you’re all right and I should cut my losses now (feels pretty gutting as we have been together for coming up to 2 years and everything is good otherwise). Thank you for all your advice!

OP posts:

Miffymeow · 10/05/2019 11:24

I was with my ex for 7 years. Yes we stayed friends but with a massive respect to each others relationships. Very occasionally we will tag each other in something on facebook that we find funny or wish each other happy birthday etc. If he was in danger I'd be there in a shot, but telling him about my relationship? Hell no. And I would never ask about his. Emotional support is something he can get from his partner now and same for me and I would certainly never refer to our previous relationship. If we speak about anything during that time it is only for the shared memory for example a show we once watched, never anything emotional / intimate. That is an absolute no no and that's the danger of being friends with an ex.

You have told him that it is inappropriate, he has undermined you by telling her that you have previously been cheated on... aka "its not me that wants to stop talking, just she wants me to". Despite it hurting you and you telling him this he has continued anyway, so that isn't going to change. Now you need to decide whether this is something you can accept or if you need to move on sadly.

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