He wants to separate

[emptythedishwasher]

It's Mother's Day on Sunday where I live and DH chose this morning to tell me that he wants to separate. He says I cannot satisfy his sexual needs and either we choose to separate as friends or we choose to stay together for the children but I must understand that he needs to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere. This, while I had my head down the toilet because I came down with a vomiting bug yesterday. Last night he got really drunk and wouldn't take no for an answer, even though I was quite unwell by then. This morning he tried to make up to me and obviously wanted to get the kids to school so we could have some time together. When I declined he dropped his bombshell. I caught him out seeing girls when he went on overseas trips last year, but he swore that he'd put all of that behind him and we moved forward (and I went out of my way to try to meet his sexual needs). Last night he was talking to a girl (in a country he visits lots) on WhatsApp, and this morning he admitted that she's his overseas girlfriend - but he doesn't have any girlfriends here...because obviously that makes it all better! I'm devastated. We've been together 25 years, married for 21, 3 awesome kids and a great life (except our sex life, apparently). I just don't understand why he would throw all of that away just to get his end away a few more times. I have no idea what to do now, I'm lost, everything I know is now changed.

I'm sorry.
I think you'd be better off without him. He sounds horrific.

I think one day you’ll look back at this time and realise everything has changed for the better

You deserve far more than a man who doesn’t respect you. He isn’t even hiding the fact he’s cheating on. Fair enough if he’s unhappy with your sex life (or lack of) then he’s got every right to voice his feelings and leave if he’s unhappy. Plenty women come on here and they’re advised to suggest either an open marriage or they should leave. What they’re not advised to do, is to cheat on their husbands and destroy their self esteem by openly having other girlfriends and pressuring them into sex when they’ve already said know.

Look at your three kids. Do you want your sons to grow up treating women this way. Would you want your daughters to marry a man like this?

You deserve much, much better.

That's such a horrible shock for you. He's absolutely cruel. And when you say he wouldn't take no for an answer last night do you mean he went ahead and raped you?
I would seriously be seeing a lawyer and GP Asap for information and support and then end this. YOU end it. Not leave it to him to decide how YOUR life is going to be.
He's thrown away your marriage. You owe him nothing. Think of yourself and your lovely children. Good luck

He didn't go ahead and force me to have sex, but he made some nasty comments, stomped off and went to sleep somewhere else. He came back later and tried again, but I was so sick that he eventually gave up. He's said some really nasty stuff to me in the past, and I took it without retaliating because I have to take some blame for the friction over our sex life. However, I said some nasty things to him this morning, although I don't think it's really made any difference. I did tell him that his behaviour is the epitome of what I don't want our children to become, I think that struck a chord. I'm just so lost. We've been together since forever and he used to be such a wonderful, amazing, kind, caring, patient person. I don't know how he managed to change so much.

I echo what everyone else has said. It also shows exactly how vile he is that he would drop this bombshell when you’re so poorly and on Mother’s Day weekend. You deserve so much better. I’d also be getting an STI check ASAP if he’s sleeping around. He could have anything :( also, does his overseas GF know that he’s married? I’d be bursting her bubble by messaging her to let her know exactly what his home situation is because I’m betting he’s spun her a pack of lies. She also needs to know to get an STI check because he’s putting it around. I’m intrigued as to how somebody living overseas is going to satisfy his sexual needs? He’s just a vile man who has put his own sexual wants before anything else. Get rid of him. Stand up to him and make him accountable for what he’s done. Go see a solicitor ASAP about what to do next. Right now, just concentrate on getting better. You can’t deal with him when you’re this poorly.

I've got an appointment with the GP next Monday, I'll have to ask for the STI tests and a letter for college because I'm a mature student and I have an assignment due this weekend. I had planned to finish it today but I'm so sick and can't stop crying that no work is being done. What great timing. I wish I could tell him to pack a bag tonight, but the children will be devastated if he's not here this weekend.

If someone wants to be out of your life then let them go. He says he wants something else then LET HIM GO! I know this must be hurting you like hell but you do not deserve this. Tell him to pack his things and leave you to move on. I think it's bloody disrespectful that he's not even got the decency not to talk or display his communication with the OW in front of you.

He definitely needs to get out. He isn't bothering to hide it.

How old are you DC? They may not be as devastated as you think they'll be him being gone.

Glad you're going to the GP.

These overseas girls are just looking for a meal ticket and he's too dumb to see it.

He's disgusting.

Read chump lady. Google it.

I hope the scales fall from your eyes and you stop trying so hard to please this creep.

Fucken hell he's a twat. A grade A fucken twat of the highest order! And has been for a long time by the sound of it. I hope you look back at this moment in years to come and realise it's the point you escaped a dysfunctional marraige to a cheating, disrespecting, unsupportive, self centred, emotionally-blackmailing, sex pest, abusive, manchild twat!

I've only run out of adjectives to describe him because it's first thing in the morning, not because there isn't anything else to call him!!!

He sounds horrific! One day you will look back and see you are well rid. For now, sending you hugs.

Unfortunately he sounds not a million miles away from my h, after 25 years he "wants something different". I suspect if I said he could have affairs he would stay but I won't. Men! Get your affairs in order as once these conversations start it can move quite quickly, is there someone in rl who you can talk to? Take care

emptythedishwasher

I feel so bad for you and your children. You've tried to make things work even after he cheated before. None of this is your fault. None.

I found a quote on Instagram that really resonated with me. I googled it and found the article and writer. I posted a very short thread with the full quote and the link to the article.

I hope you'll read the thread. There were a couple of posters with a lot of insight that might help you find the courage to put yourself first. Strength in numbers and all that.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3531725-If-you-think-theres-someone-else

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you well. Please keep your thread going and read the whole thing again in a year or so. You may be surprised at how much happier you are without him. Remember - you should have been the only one he'd ever choose.

💜

OP. Telll him to pack a bag and get out. You say your children will be devastated and that may be the case but they will cope. He can come get them and take them to the park. All the time he gets to stay in the house with you, playing the Big Important Man, he isn’t feeling any consequences to his actions. My husband went through a stage of being a total arsehole until I eventually screamed at him to get the F out. He stormed out in righteous anger but while he was sat in the shitty B&B without the comforts of me facilitating everything he suddenly had a personality shift. At the very least you’ll get back some respect by drawing a line in the sand. He has to go sometime so it might as well be today.

So sorry - what an awful time. I appreciate what you're saying about the children being devastated if he's not there this weekend but there's going to be a weekend he isn't there and they'll have to face that horrible fact, so why not now, get it over and done with and don't prolong your agony. Hugs to you

So he's basically asking for an open marriage or separation? What a fucking ultimatum!!
Sorry OP you sound fantastic and amazing for dealing with this arseholes crap for so long.