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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh going away and I can't wait.

25 replies

woodpops · 13/09/2004 09:41

Dh is going away this week and I can't wait. All weekend I've had to compete with his moods and constant shouting. Several times he's shouted at ds and dd how much he hates them. Ds is 3 and dd 21 months. I can't forgive him for this. Apparently he's embarrased by the house if there are toys everyehere during the day then that's not normal. Apparently kids should play with 1 toy and wehen they've finished with that one put it away and get another one out. Not get them all out at once. I think he want's the house to look like a show home 24/7. I feel guilty because I'm looking forwards to him going away because we'll get piece and quiet and the kids can be kids and do what kids do without being shouted at IYKWIM

OP posts:

Rowlers · 13/09/2004 09:45

He needs to take a chill pill. Don't feel guilty, relax and enjoy the freedom. And it's supposed to be women who nag!!

misdee · 13/09/2004 09:46

put lego and stickle bricks in his side of the bed when he gets back.

Angeliz · 13/09/2004 09:47

lol at misdee

My dp is away too, we do well with time apart

MummyToSteven · 13/09/2004 09:47

do you have any couples with children as friends? could either set of your parents talk some sense into him? IMHO it is absolutely unacceptable to shout at your children how much you hate them. Is he under some particular stress at work etc that he is taking out on you?

StickyNote · 13/09/2004 09:48

Oh Woodpops, this could be our house (which of course is no help AT ALL but at least you know you're not alone). THEY'RE CHILDREN FFS!!! It drives me completely mad - as long as the house looks vaguely tidy at the end of the day, that's fine IMO. I had a long conversation about this very subject with DH over the weekend, saying that he really will become permanently stressed if he has such high expectations, plus it really is not fair on the kids.

No suggestions I'm afraid but lots of understanding vibes coming your way. Enjoy your week of peace .

Blackduck · 13/09/2004 09:52

We have wicker baskets in various rooms in the house, everything gets collected up and dumped in them at the end of the day when ds has gone to bed.....that's about as tidy as it gets.
What does he want? Little machines that do exactly as they are told? They are children and will explore - its part of growing up!
How about agreeing to have one room that is 'out of bounds' to toys? Friends of mine did this...so they could sit in one room with out unearthing bits of lego...

jampot · 13/09/2004 09:57

exactly the same as my dh woodpops!! I tried to get him to go stay with his parents for a week or so during the summer but he wouldn;t go. I even told them to nag him to go but they wouldn't Have you got to the stage where you break your neck in the 15 mins before he gets home trying to get the house tidy? Dh likes me to hang all the washing on the line and not use the tumble dryer so now for a perverse sense on pleasure I tumble pretty much everything when he's not here and then calmly walk outside 10 mins before he's due in and hang the clothes pegs on the line so he thinks the washing has been out, dried, brought in and folded!!!

nutcracker · 13/09/2004 10:02

OMG you are us.
Dp is constantly moaning at the kids about how many toys they have out, and he also expects them to put one away before getting another out.

He shouts alot too. I have to say though that now he knows I will not back him up unless I feel his actions were deserved, he doesn't do it quite as much.

I tidy up toys twice during the day. Once after lunch when ds is in bed and then again before or after dinner.
I cannot see the pooint of picking stuff up every 5 minutees as it will be back on the floor quicker than you can blink.

He needs to relax a bit, and No you shouldn't feel guilty about being happy he's going away.
I tried to persuade my dp to train as a long distance lorry driver, just so i'd get a bit of peace .

nutcracker · 13/09/2004 10:04

You don't really do that with the washing do you Jampot ??? God i couldn't be arsed.

If my dp complains about the way I do anything then i simply tell him to do it himself if he doesn't like it. Usually shuts him up.

jampot · 13/09/2004 10:19

yes seriously I do nutty I was always a rebel -

Original poster

woodpops · 13/09/2004 10:24

All the toys are kept in the conservetory. It's the playroom but all the toys get pulled out throughout the day. Like you nutcracker I tidy the toys up twice a day, after lunch and as the kids are eating tea. Most of our friends have kids and dh often comments on how organised I must be because so and so's house was a dump with toys, washing, ironing etc. So where exactly he get's this idea from to be embarrased by having toys across the floor I don't know.

OP posts:

sponge · 13/09/2004 11:02

We all get impatient with our kids and the mess they make and sometimes we shout but IMO there is no excuse ever for telling your kids you hate them. They're sensitive little things and they believe what we tell them.
Give him a good slap and tell him to come back in a better mood.

emmatmg · 13/09/2004 11:11

Another Dh here that moans about toys.

My Dh works shifts and until quite recently I used to look forward to him coming home from work..............now I can't wait for him to go to work.
It's me that shouts the most in our house I spend the day trying to occupy the boys or break up the fights so they keep out of his way and all his DIY stuff. Which incidently is all over the place!!!!!!

Nic04 · 13/09/2004 22:57

I have the opposite problem. I am the only one who ever picks up ds' toys, dh just sits on the couch in amongst the mess and doesn't seem to give a toss that there are toys all over the floor. Well, maybe it bugs him in a way but I think it's more laziness, ie. he doesn't want to be the one picking them up. The toys on the floor bother me the most, and I find myself continally picking toys up and putting them back. At the end of the day I usually get ds to help me tidy up any mess and put his toys away, so at least there's one man in the house who's getting some training in tidying up. DS always puts the toilet seat down too, but I don't think dh has ever done it once. Totally unrelated point, but I hope to get ds trained a little better than his father.

Having said that, dh is paranoid about dust and will always tell me if something needs dusting, so that is the main thing I try to make sure I do. He likes things to be clean, but not necessarily tidy IYKWIM.

KateandtheGirls · 14/09/2004 00:38

You know, he really isn't being reasonable about the mess the kids make, but that's something you guys have to work out between yourselves.

BUT, reading this:

"Several times he's shouted at ds and dd how much he hates them."

made me , and .

That is unacceptable.

Ghosty · 14/09/2004 01:59

Woodpops ...
I agree with Kateandthegirls.
Your husband clearly needs to wake up and smell the coffee and understand that once you have children you have to have a few years of 'mess'. Your children are under 4 FFS ... !!!
If he wanted a show home he shouldn't have had children.
I hope he is saving up lots money for the amount of therapy he will have to pay for when your children are teenagers and depressed because they have grown up thinking their father hates them ....

aloha · 14/09/2004 09:27

ALL of this behaviour is unacceptable. If they don't like something - dust, toys - whatever, tell them to do it themselves. And NO WAY should a grown man ever scream at a toddler that he hates them - I could not agree more with Kateandthegirls about that one. Her poor children don't have their father, but at least they will always know that he was a truly loving man. I'm sorry, but it makes me upset to think of children being told they are hated by their parents. Suppose that was the last thing you ever had a chance to say to them?

motherinferior · 14/09/2004 09:29

Woodpops, he's being HORRIBLE. I'm so sorry. Poor kids and poor you.

Lowryn · 14/09/2004 09:45

Oh, poor kids. That's got to be mentally abusive to tell your kids that you hate them isn't it?
I know that DD is a very emotionally sensitive soul at 2 and three quarters. I get tearful just imagining how she would feel if her dad told her he hated her

Please tell your DH not to say that to the kids, no matter how angry he may feel.

On a lighter note...I wish my DH would go away too. He works from home a lot so I can't even look forward to him going off to work!

I have friends with DHs in the army and feel guilty for wishing that he would bugger off more often. They are always so worried about their DHs being sent to Iraq for months on end.

Original poster

woodpops · 14/09/2004 10:26

Dh sat down with ds and dd last night and told them how sorry he was for what he sat etc, etc. It was all very sweet and brought a tear to my eye. Ds said no daddy daddy was naughty, no do it again daddy. It all finished up with ds and dd giving dh a nig hug and kiss and saying I love you this much daddy, then opening their arms as wide as they could to show daddy how much they love him. Which upset dh to think how mean he'd been to them both. Hopefully that's the end of it now!!!! Happy families again

OP posts:

MancMum · 14/09/2004 10:30

I hate to interfere but the thought of a Dad telling his kids he hates them has me in tears - does he not know how that would hurt them... I would have to talk to him about it before he goes and let him know the effect it has on them... to be honest I would not let him back in the house until he promised never to say it again... I think that is child abuse and who would live with that?

KateandtheGirls · 14/09/2004 15:27

That's good woodpops. I hope that your husband really means that he won't ever say that again, and aloha's post explains why I feel so strongly about that.

Original poster

woodpops · 14/09/2004 15:31

I'm sorry kateandthegirls. I do genuinley think it hurt him when he realised jsut what he'd said. I did have a real go at him and told him to think about what he'd said and the effect it'll have on the kids. I'm not making any excuses for him but he does have a very stressful job and the past few weeks have been worse than normal. I think everything got to him.

OP posts:

aloha · 14/09/2004 15:55

I'm very glad he was able to say sorry. I think that's very important. Hopefully, now he has admitted being unreasonable in one area, you will now be able to talk to him about the shouting and the unreasonable demands on you and the children and then you will really be much happier. You certainly shouldn't feel guilty at all about wanting a break. It might do you all good, esp ifyou can have a talk beforehand.

Original poster

woodpops · 15/09/2004 10:41

Kateandthegirls, I am so sorry for posting this thread about what a git dh had been. I really didn't realise the circumstances of your bereavement. The last thing you probably needed was a thread like this so close to the anniversary, please accept my appologies and know that I will be thinking of you and your girls. All the best.

OP posts:

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