Long distance - Stupid idea or worth a go?

[Ginger153]

I'm stuck in a quandary between head and heart. I'd really value some impartial advice!

I met someone 4 or 5 years ago who I had a bit of a fling with before he moved abroad. He knew he was moving when we met so it never had a chance to become something. We've kept in touch over that time and I've seen him occasionally for a drink when he's been back.

I met someone after he went abroad and we've since split up (thanks for MN advice with that one!).

He's back in this country but unfortunately living a few hours away. I've seen him once and it was great but terrible too. We are both still attracted to each other, get on great etc. However, I don't want to get into something with him if we're unlikely to end up in the same place. He may well go away again, i'm not sure I can do the commute and I don't want a fling. BUT I still think about him and I would love a chance to see where it could go but i'm not sure if there's much point.

He's also much more of a free spirit than me, and i'm tied to caring responsibilities, sensible job etc.

He's asked me to let him know if i'd like to see him again after a really confusing last encounter. What would you do?

What was confusing about it?

It was confusing because I wanted to spend time with him, still fancied him etc. but my head was telling me not to go there because of distance, availability etc. Does that make sense?

PS It was confusing for both us, as I was giving him very mixed signals

After the week I’ve had with DP I’d jump at the chance for a long distance relationship —life as a single woman—

How far away are you both from each other? For me it would depend on what stage he is at in his life, if he is quite young and has plans to travel in the near future--would be difficult for you left behind. If the commute was doable, l would give it a go if you both like each other...

What is your long term goal? If you are looking to find someone to settle down with and/or start a family (I hate that phrase but YKWIM) then he seems like a bad bet. If you're just looking for a bit of fun and you think you could keep your feelings separate and just enjoy the sex and friendship while keeping your options open, go for it.

Lots of questions here really and they revolve around your life stages and where you see yourself and he himself.
For example how are you both? Do you want to settle down, have a family? Does he? You say he might go away again, but why is that? For work or travelling etc. You say you have caring commitments and a sensible job. Would you be willing to move/give up the caring or pass it onto a sibling? You could get a job in another country?

That should read how old are you both not how are you both!?

I should've said we're both early 40s. Neither have married or had kids. Will read and reply properly to other questions when I can read properly.

Early 40’s here too and I’ve been in a long distance (2.5 hours drive) relationship for 4 years. It’s hard work and sometimes I miss him but equally I absolutely love the time I get on my own.

I could never do long distance. Unless it was already an established and committed relationship and the distance issue was temporary.
I want someone to spend my evenings in with and to be a part of my everyday life.

I was where you were about 2 months ago. I met a man on OLD who I'd been speaking to on/off since Dec 18, but we live 2 hours apart.
I loved chatting and videoing and he is absolutely gorgeous, kind, had lots of things in common etc. I was very wary due to the distance, having a good job, DC whose dad lives in the same village. I read up on the past LDR threads on here for advice and the ones that stood out were that whilst the compatibility of two people may be great, the outcome is the key issue i.e. what would happen in the future if it all went well. I think this is the key issue to discuss and I do think you need to ask him before you make your mind up whether to go ahead.

Our relationship, whilst in it's early stages is great. I met him to get him out of my system!! and was convinced that he would be like every other man on OLD! But he's quite lovely and makes me happy. Thankfully for me, my man would be happy to move. Two hours isn't so far especially if you take turns to visit each other.

Let us know what you decide.

Thanks all. My head is all over the place. Him aside, I want a relationship. I've got a good life and can happily bumble along on my own with all the benefits that being single brings. But, I miss and would like someone to do things with, ask how my day's been and a long term relationship.

His argument is that unless we have a go then we won't know if that's an option between us. Long term I don't know what he wants. I'm not sure he does either. He sold up house, business etc to have an adventure (part work, part pursuing his hobby abroad). He has been spending half the year away for past few years (while I was in another relationship). He's not planning on changing this at the moment. For years he did the sensible stuff and had had enough.

My life is pretty sensible and I can't change that just now.

I guess I need to see if he's willing to see me without expectation of anything I.e. spending the night etc. I think that would mess with my head too much.

I reckon you should give it a ago and take it one day at a time. You will regret in time that you haven't tried.

Jinger05 I think you might be right. I'll see if he's willing to take things slow. If not, then it's a no.

It’s only a few hours away. Surely, you could still see each other every weekend if you wanted just like most couples when they are dating. I can’t see why you wouldn’t give it a go.

When I met my dh, we lived in different countries an 11 hour flight from each other. We did live abroad in a 3rd country for the first 6 months (where we met). But we did the next 2+ years on opposite sides of the world only seeing each other about 4 times a year. Neither of us even had the right to live in the same country until we jumped through a lot of expensive immigration hoops.

But we believed it was worth a try because we were really happy together. And it was. That’s been 10+ years ago now. I was able to move to be with him, we got married, have 2 dc. It’s completely possible if you want it to be. Heck, I commute 6 hours in one day for work several times a week. Doing it for fun when you don’t have children should be a breeze.

I was expecting a full MN 'don't do it'! I guess I'm anxious because I have a history of choosing unavailable men (and painfully explored that as part of counselling because of a world of other stuff).

I'm worried that it's history repeating itself if I choose someone unavailable again, I get to keep myself from the reality of dealing with the challenges of a relationship in every day life...I may be over thinking this!

It's no harm to be cautious. Maybe give yourself 3 months to see how it goes. Sometimes, you have to get back on the horse and take a leap of faith. You could have a happy future ahead with this guy, why not take a chance to see what happens. You could still approach with caution, he may be unavailable due to distance but still available if you get my meaning. Think positive thoughts, you cannot let your past define you. As long as you are aware as much as anyone can be going into a new relationship, you will be ok. Try and not over think things too much. I hope it works out for you 😊

Thank you

My partner lives in another country and we see each other rarely. But he's the most important person in my life. We make it work by keeping our relationship open. I miss him every day... And to have him a couple of hours away would be a dream. I'd not hesitate if I were you.