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Original poster

Help me write a text to a friend to say back off

16 replies

Reverseparker · 09/05/2019 17:14

I have a friend who is intense but who is lovely. She is overdependent on me for her emotional needs and I have become too available for her as she doesn’t listen to advice that she seeks but seeks it all the time . She then goes off the radar if and when I need help so I have become somewhat of a time filler and a crutch for her I think. She is single with a full life and I am married with children and also a full life in a different way. I feel drained and sort of used but don’t want to hurt her . She doesn’t seem to take hints about me being busy or unable to help at a given time that suits her . She has started to ask what’s wrong with me . Any advice would help . I want to be honest without hurting her . I won’t see her to say it to her for a long time

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/05/2019 17:18

Whstever you say will sting and won't make her see the error of her ways. Better to be direct.

Maybe next time be unavailable for a bit and when she gets a hold of you asking why, tell her you dont have the emotional capacity for her anymore. That she never takes your advice anyway so you won't be dishing out anymore.

It's likely when you pull the plug you'll never hear from her again though.

Starlive23 · 09/05/2019 17:19

Crikey it's a delicate one isn't it, maybe just start small by taking longer and longer to reply to texts? Not answering calls until a time that works for you? Or is it a bit further along than that?

I suppose you could always just say, sorry I'm busy! It's not really offensive is it? You sound like you have a busy life too OP and a good friend would respect that.

AutumnCrow · 09/05/2019 17:19

How does she contact you, mostly? Are you looking to text her or ring her?

Original poster
Reverseparker · 09/05/2019 17:22

Texting mostly . It’s all too much for me. Too full on and draining but I don’t want to hurt her . Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Reverseparker · 09/05/2019 17:23

The kind who keeps texting long after I haven’t replied

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 09/05/2019 17:24

Sorry friend, but I'm completely overwhelmed with kids, work and life in general at the moment. I just haven't got the emotional capability to deal with anything else or my head might explode. I'm sure you can cope. All the best.

Starlive23 · 09/05/2019 17:27

Just maybe scale back the texts? Even if she carries on texting it surely won't last forever, the penny will drop at some point! Or go with PP good advice and just be honest. It depends I suppose on how invested you are in the friendship, but it sounds a bit toxic and all one-way.

TheLazyDuchess · 09/05/2019 17:30

Tell her "I feel drained". And don't apologise for it.

I recommend listening to this TED talk (it's about 12 minutes long) if you get a chance. I was going to say tell a white lie, when I remembered this. "The magic of not giving a fuck".

Don't feel guilty for wanting space from someone who thinks of you as a time filler or uses you as crutch (okay of mutual but your friendship sounds very one sided).

Original poster
Reverseparker · 09/05/2019 17:32

It is one sided . I am
Tired and I am overwhelmed and as awful as it sounds, I’m not really able for her anymore . However the more I pull away, the more she contacts me for replies and advice and general chit chat.thanks

OP posts:
MadeleineMaxwell · 09/05/2019 18:00

Nobody likes being ghosted. I think it does more harm than good. Inaction is just as powerful as action sometimes.

Just be honest, it's all you can do. E.g.:

Hey friend, I need to take a bit of a step back for a while as my plate is full of my own stuff at the moment. Looking forward to catching up with you when things quieten down. Hope you get things sorted in the meantime! Love, Reverseparker

Unless you want to ditch her, in which case say that. Don't assume people are mindreaders - I, for example, am spectacularly bad at taking hints! Just say it, it's kinder.

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/05/2019 18:07

Don't ghost.
Don't engage when she messages you. Keep replies concise and sparse.

Original poster
Reverseparker · 09/05/2019 18:23

I would never ghost her . She just doesn’t accept it well when I detach now and again and can be quite forceful. Some great ideas here thanks

OP posts:
Erythronium · 09/05/2019 18:28

Can you speak to her. Something like this is better face to face if you value your friendship but just want to dial it down a notch or ten.

Original poster
Reverseparker · 09/05/2019 21:28

I would but I will not see her for a number of weeks

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 09/05/2019 23:16

She doesn’t seem to take hints about me being busy or unable to help at a given time that suits her . She has started to ask what’s wrong with me .
Then tell her. Say it as nicely but as clearly as you can. She will be hurt, because she doesn't seem to have a lot of self-awareness but things will not improve.

If you don't want to do this by text message (your normal way to communicate) can you arrange to see her in person to tell her this? Why won't you see her for weeks? Otherwise by phone? Just make sure you have thought through exactly what you want to say to her. Good luck OP.

crochetmonkey74 · 10/05/2019 11:12

I have a friend who is intense but who is lovely. She is overdependent on me for her emotional needs and I have become too available for her as she doesn’t listen to advice that she seeks but seeks it all the time

I have a friend like this too- it's really draining especially when you are under the weather yourself!

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