Why am I such a paranoid freak

[Raindropsonroses27]

In every relationship I've ever had I've ended up being lied to and/or cheated on. I don't have a type, they've all just done it. Most recently someone who knew I was going through a really tough time after a big family trauma and promised he wouldn't hurt me but all the while was messaging other women and became abusive to me when I outed him. My own father was a prolific cheat and liar who abandoned me and my mum when I was 11. For this reason I've never had a lot of faith in men - I know it's wrong to generalise but my experience has obviously shaped my judgement.

I was single for a long time but have been with my dp for coming up two years. He is lovely, kind, generous and great with my ds. I adore him but am constantly waiting for him to let me down too. We had a wobble last year when I found out something about him that he'd been hiding. He wasn't cheating or anything but he'd been looking at things to do with a taboo fetish that I knew nothing about. It really dented my trust in him. We've worked through it and I really do want to make this one work but am constantly suspicious. If I can't get hold of him during the work day I assume he must be with someone else. If I see him on his phone I wonder who he's talking to. It goes on and I know how unhealthy it is to be this way especially when he's given me very little reason to doubt him. He is very transparent with his phone and tech - leaves it lying around and gives it to me to put in my bag etc.

I know I have to find a way to resolve my trust issues and accept he's maybe one of the good guys but I'm so cynical. Sometimes it turns me nasty and snide towards him and then I feel terrible after. I don't want to be this way. I know I'll probably get flamed for being a jealous, paranoid weirdo but wondered if anyone else has gone through similar. My own self confidence is pretty low and probably plays a part in this too

My sister and I had a similar upbringing - our dad was constantly having affairs, simply starting one, pursuing it, persuading the OW to let him move in, she would then get smart and kick him out once he showed his true colours, he would then call my mum and say he'd decided to give her another chance 😒 She would welcome him back with open arms.

As a result I have always "known" that most people can't be trusted to be monogamous. I'm thinking it's maybe a 60/40 split.

By the law of averages, if your track record so far has been 100% cheaters, you may well have landed one now who is naturally monogamous.

Have you had any counselling to discuss your feelings about this, especially in relation to your dad's cheating and abandonment? I think this would really help you, and give you some tactics to try when you start spiraling into jealousy and anxiety.

he'd been looking at things to do with a taboo fetish

Doesn't this change how you feel about him?

@HollowTalk no it was a shock but it's nothing gross or illegal just a bit taboo. In some ways it's brought us a little closer as he says im the only person whose ever known. But yes the fact he hid something from me did play into my mistrusting theories.

@FuriousVexation I never had counselling or anything. I wasn't particularly close with my dad so I figured it never really affected me but subconsciously it probably has. The fact that the one man who should protect you left me makes me think every other man will :/

My sister wasn't close to my dad either, and I don't think she was particularly aware of his affairs. (I was older and heard the playground gossip. Once punched my best friend of the time in the face when she said "LOL your dad's not working away, he's moved in with X's mum, everyone knows that." Obviously I apologised later, she was spot on.)

But if anything my sister was far, far more paranoid and jealous than me even though she has no conscious memories about him repeatedly cheating.

Her early relationships were a hellish drama of paranoia, jealousy and control. Example: her partner would be out shopping in town and bump into a female friend of theirs. He'd say hello, have a brief chat, then get on with his day. Then he had the dilemma: do I tell my partner I saw MaryJane in town?

1. Say "Oh I bumped into MJ today." Response "Did you just. Did. You. Just. Where? When? What did you talk about? I KNOW YOU FANCY HER YOU FUCKER"
2. Say nothing. At the weekend, they're out together and MJ comes up and says "Oh hey, how you doing? Your DP said you were doing well." My sis: "Oh did he. When was this." MJ: "Oh we bumped into each other at the market on Wednesday."

He would then get the interrogation about how could he not have told her he had bumped into MJ, it clearly proved he fancied her and was trying to hide his tracks.

It was an awful time for both of them. She got help via therapy and he stuck by her. They've been together 25 years now but my god it was a close call.

@FuriousVexation that does sound extreme, I have to say that dp doesn't realise the extent of my feelings. I never have a go at him or question him. Because deep down I know it's irrational. I just annoy myself with it all