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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Now what? 3 dates in

26 replies

MustardScreams · 09/05/2019 12:33

Met v nice guy I vaguely knew after matching on Tinder. Been on 3 really lovely dates, culminating in quite a few drinks on Sunday and I went back to his. All good clean(ish!) fun.

He messaged me the next day to apologise?? For not being respectful and that he had beer fear and was worried he’d overstepped the mark. To be clear, I was as into it as him!

I replied absolutely nothing to worry about, because there wasn’t. Now messages have dried up a bit and I’m not entirely sure whether to ask him out for another drink or just leave it? I’ve been single for 3 years and just dipping my toe back into dating and it all seems bloody confusing.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 09/05/2019 13:39

He's had his shag and legged it.

Damntheman · 09/05/2019 13:47

Ask him out again if you liked him! Spark a new topic conversation to get over the awkward, should be easy enough.

If he keeps apologising though and won't drop it then you're best off walking away. I had a deliberate one nighter with a friend who did this to me. He contacted me ten (Yes TEN!) years later to apologise again so I had to block him. Ugh.

ReturnofSaturn · 09/05/2019 13:53

I think myheart has it. If he was interested in seeing you more he would be saying that.

bamboofibre · 09/05/2019 13:55

What myheart said. It's Tinder, it's a hook up site.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 09/05/2019 13:59

Yeah my first thought was he was just in it for the sex, but it was the weird apologising after that threw me a bit.

@Damntheman 10 years?! Good lord

OP posts:
Pigsinduvets · 09/05/2019 14:03

Just leave it.

madamedeluxe · 09/05/2019 14:44

Oh I thought good cleanish fun meant you didn’t have sex.

madamedeluxe · 09/05/2019 14:44

I would leave it with him now but he doesn’t sound keen sorry.

Bluntness100 · 09/05/2019 14:47

Eh did you do something particularly kinky? It's very weird to apologise after sex and go quiet, unless you did something weird as fuck in bed.

If nothing weird, I'd just text him and say, how are you doing, free for a drink sat?

What have you got to loose?

WallisFrizz · 09/05/2019 14:47

Did you have sex or not, I presumed you didn’t from your OP.

If you did and now messages have dried up, I’d say ignore the crap about overstepping the mark, the significant thing is that the messages have dried up. He’s no longer interested.

AliceRR · 09/05/2019 14:48

Oh I thought good cleanish fun meant you didn’t have sex.

Same.

What else does it mean?

Original poster
MustardScreams · 09/05/2019 14:52

Sorry I wasn’t very clear in my op! We did have sex. Not weird kinky sex either! Just slightly inebriated and fun.

Think I’ll message him and see if he wants to go for another drink and if not leave it be.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 09/05/2019 14:52

If you had sex, he's got what he wanted and is moving on, but that isn't enough for him - he has to have you thinking he's a "good guy" and it was out of character. This also means that if he's ever at a loose end, he can get in touch and say he was so into you, but he thought he'd blown it and was so embarrassed it took him all this time to pluck up courage to contact you again. then rinse and repeat.

There's nothing new in any situation in OLD.....

Dirtybadger · 09/05/2019 14:53

Do you know what he said he was looking for in the first place? Are you in the market for a casual hook up bloke...or more serious dating long term?

If you are happy to go along with something casual I would contact him and ask if he would like to do it again.

If more serious then he ignored your last message so I would just leave it there.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 09/05/2019 14:59

Definitely nothing too serious at the moment, which is probably a good thing considering how clueless I seem to be. But we got on really well, so I was kind of swaying towards seeing how things went. That’ll teach me.

OP posts:
starbrightnight · 09/05/2019 15:00

I'd be confused too. But does his apology mean he regrets it or that he fears he went too far?

I'd be tempted to text back saying something like 'I'm confused, are you sorry because you regret what happened or just worried you may have overstepped the mark? No need, I have no regrets. Then leave it there.

I think that comes across as light and breezy but leaves it open for him to suggest another date if he wants to.

Notcoolmum · 09/05/2019 15:00

Three dates in is pretty standard to DTD. You’ve explained it was fine and he’s cooking off... it sounds like he might have just been waiting to dtd before moving on but I’d be tempted to see if he fancies meeting again IF this is what you want of things see otherwise ok.

Tinder isn’t just a hook up site. Lots of people on tinder, looking for a variety of things from one night stands to long term relationships.

There is a dating thread on this board that you might find useful. You will see OLD can be a minefield!!

Doesitevenmatternow · 09/05/2019 16:23

Drop him a line and see if he fancies going out again. If he is evasive or ignores then block.

Original poster
MustardScreams · 09/05/2019 16:56

I’m going to hunt down the dating thread and join, I need all the advice I can get Blush

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 09/05/2019 17:03

Tinder may have had the reputation of a hook up site a few years ago but it doesn’t anymore. The same people are on it as are on the more “acceptable” paid dating sites but some people are looking for a bit of fun and other are looking for ltr’s with all sorts in between.
I have been seeing someone I met on Tinder for a couple of months now and all is going well.

As for the message, if you’ve reassured him that you enjoyed what happened between you both and he is still being quiet then it doesn’t sound great. Maybe one more message to find out where he’s at but I can’t be doing with game playing.

FinallyHere · 09/05/2019 19:09

I think @ChristmasFluff nailed it

CodenameVillanelle · 09/05/2019 19:11

Tinder really isn't a hook up site. It's always coupled up people who post sniffily about tinder on mumsnet. It's a dating site, no better or worse than any other. Some people will use it to hook up, most use it to find dates.

Onemansoapopera · 09/05/2019 23:19

Tinder is what you want it to be I think. I married my tinder date two years ago (we had sex on the first date) we're dead happy still 🥰 shagging someone will either strengthen or end any blossoming relationship because it will either totally bond you to that person or completely switch you off and either of those feelings are pretty immediate I think for both sexes. Of course there are blokes just after sex but they will announce themselves loudly by their actions early doors so any grown woman should be able to spot them a mile off.

Onemansoapopera · 09/05/2019 23:27

And of course there's not a nice guy around who wants to tell a woman he's switched off from her after sex for obvious reasons of being perceived as a shallow knobhead, so they ghost, because it's easier than saying "turns out you don't do it for me"

Dieu · 10/05/2019 18:20

I think he's using this as an excuse. Sorry, OP Sad

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