Would you consider these red flags?

[MeltedEggMum]

First date. He is due to pick me up at my house any moment and rings to cancel, saying he has a "hot date" with someone else. Rings the bell after I become obviously disappointed and laughs at his joke when I open the door to him standing there, mobile phone in hand.

Tickling me when I'm holding something heavy or bent over doing something else.

Pushing me over onto a couch or bed as a joke and not letting me back up for a minute or two (pushing me back down whenever I try to get up).

Calling my meals "slop"

Laughing at me not understanding something the first time.

Sleeping late every day so can't help with DC in the morning, working late so can't do bed times, ignoring me when I ask for help and then getting annoyed when I ask again because I don't know if he heard me the first time.

Joking that labour pains were all in my head.

Saying yes to doing something/helping me out bit never doing it and getting cross if I ask about it.

Using my things and laughing at me when I can't find them.

Buying me presents he knows I won't like, but are expensive and tricky for me to return myself.

I would have dumped him at the first date. I would not have had him come to my house and I would have slammed the door in his face. His behavior that night was absurd.

Huge, huge red flags, and abusive, controlling behaviour. How long have you been seeing him?

Each one on its own is a red flag. Combined, at best they equal a man on a power trip.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position. You deserve so much more and can attain it

I have another thread. I am trying to process nearly two decades of abusive behaviour that has culminated in a physical attack.

I've kicked him out, I'm divorcing him. I just wish I'd seen the truth sooner.

@MeltedEggMum I think I'm on your other thread OP. I was going to tell you to run for the hills before I realised

😘😘

I appreciate the frank and honest replies. They are painful to read though. I don't know why it's taken me so long to recognise the truth. I was young, naïve, thought I knew what I was doing. I'm learning.

Oh crumbs, you've been with him for a long time then.

I know only too well how behaviour like you have described just becomes "normal" life, and also how the control and manipulation destroy self-esteem and make you doubt your every thought and feeling.

Well done on kicking him out, and divorcing him. It is important to process everything you have been through, and if you're anything like me, then things will be randomly popping into your mind that you all of sudden realise weren't normal or acceptable. However also look to the future, you are strong, and this is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter in your life. Good luck.

He’s just thinks he is a bit of a funny geezer , ‘oh how we kaughed’ in actual fact he’s just a knob who gets a buzz from feeling superior , I bet he isn’t that bright either

@MeltedEggMum

You know none of this is your fault, right? X

I know. Mostly. It's easy to blame myself but I'm trying to recognise it and remember I'm not the bad person here. I trusted him. He broke that. He tried to break me.

What sort of relationships did you see, growing up?

OP you didn't "make" him behave that way. Abusive partners often coerce those around them into believing they deserve the abuse or "made" them behave badly if only they'd done x, y and z.

In your rational mind (which will become clearer with each day that you're away from him) you know his behaviour was a choice made by him alone. You know the abuse was his and his alone. You've spent a huge proportion of your life being told you deserve to be unhappy; physically, emotionally, every which way. Give yourself time to heal, and look into the Freedom Programme run by Women's Aid. It will help you reset your boundaries which will help you process the horrors you've been subjected to.

OP, of course it's easier to blame yourself because that is how he has conditioned you to think!

Not a single thing that has gone on is down to you, not in any way, shape or form. This is all on him. It's his shitty abusive behaviour, not yours!

Much love OP, you are doing the right thing 😘

He’s a nasty bully. Best of luck with the divorce, but get a very good lawyer. You will need one.

And I’d add that the reason you need a very good lawyer is that if you can expect him to try and break you during the divorce process. You need protection from the legalised bullying that will otherwise come right at you.

You're not alone in not seeing the behaviour for what it is, OP.
It took me longer than 20 years to recognise it and for the penny
to drop.

I found it's no good trying to explain to him or others - you know
now and that is enough.
I'm in the fortunate position of arriving at feeling indifferent to him - nature has been kind to me.
I hope you get there soon too. You didn't cause it, you're just late to
the realisation because you're a decent human being.

You cant be to blame.
Sometimes we don't see whats in front of us as we don't want to.Like many other women (myself once included) you've probably just got on with it for your DC.
Sending you love an strength-you can do this xxx

@PorterBella the beauty of hindsight eh x

You couldn't have possibly made him behave that way, because he was an utter cunt from the minute your relationship began. I'd not have left the house for a twat like that on the first date. He was trsting your boundaries, and he saw that you had none. Each of those times he did something you didn't like, and you stayed, he saw you were a perfect victim. And doubtless he did the lovebombing etc that made it harder to see.

But the behaviours speak for themselves. Something I've learned from dating after a sociopath is that toxic people with ALWAYS do a small boundary push, right from their first conversation - it's will be so small that most people won't notice it (but I do now). If you let them get away with it, they will gradually increase the magnitude of boundary push, always looking to see if they can potentially control you. If you don't let them get away with it, they will drop you like a hot potato (if you don't drop them in maintaining your boundaries), and that is GOOD. They don't want to waste time on people they can't control.

Well done on getting to where you are. It is so hard, and yet over time you will look back and see how he achieved his control - and that will make you wiser for the future

Red flags are the early warning signs. What you have there is a fully fledged abusive arsehole.

I wanted to believe that his abuse started recently, but I suddenly remembered our first date and realised this has always been our relationship. His treatment of me.

The controlling and nastiness has increased though, and grew so big I couldn't ignore it in the end. Plus his behaviour to our DC. I couldn't ignore that, either.

The man I thought I loved never actually existed.

I don´t know if I would say that exactly those things are abusive but they are huge signs that the man in question is a complete dick and shouldn't be given a moment of your time. I can also believe that a man who starts off this way could well turn very abusive in time.