Help me come to terms with my workaholic husband

[roses2]

Apologies in advance for the really long post. I need help on how to come to terms with my workaholic husband which I am sure many of you here have experience of.

Me and DH both work full time. He spends 50% of each month abroad (2 weeks abroad / 2 weeks working from home based). He works very long hours (big 4 consultancy firm) and working on a week end isn't unusual. His parents also have their own business which he spends a significant amount of time helping them with.

I also work full time, earn more than him (but I don't bring that up - I don't want to belittle him!), but work half the hours and am home by 5.30pm every day. We have an au pair to help with the 2x kids for school drop and pick up, bath etc.

When DH is here he will read the kids their stories and put them to bed. When he is not here I do this. On Saturdays he is here (2x per month), we spend the day together. On Sundays the kids are with me all day whilst he works (either his job or helping his parents).

He gets time to himself (albeit it to work). I don't feel as though I get enough downtime because if I am not with the kids, I am doing laundry, emptying the bins, food shopping, paying bills cooking etc. The only chore he does is wash up after dinner. Absolutely everything else I will do.

We're going through a rough patch at the moment. Laundry, general tidying, cooking every day are getting to me and I am tired of doing all of this by myself whilst he gets to do the fun things with the kids during the little time he is around.

He isn't going to change - that's just the way he is. I'm just wondering how some of you in similar situations get on board with this and be happy?

If I was you, I’d buy in as much help as possible. You have an au pair but if I was you, I’d have a cleaner twice a week including sorting out the laundry. Get a regular babysitter for Friday evenings and one eve during the week so that you can go to the gym/theatre/cinema/hobby so that you aren’t stuck indoors doing everything. It’s not ideal but you earn well so buy in as much help as possible and see if that eases your irritation with him. Cooking, again, buy it in. Take a look at that shop Cook and get a chest freezer for storing the meals. Make life as easy as possible for yourself. I know people are going to comment saying “oh here we go with mumsnet middle class advice” but you say he works for a top 4 consultancy and must therefore earn well and you earn well so those are your circumstances. I have friends in similar circumstances. Husbands are pilots etc. They buy in the help. It works for them. Nanny, babysitters, gardener, cleaner, laundry help, dog walkers...it’s why these businesses exist because people need them. No point struggling if you can afford not to

Another vote for get a cleaner. Earmark a couple of evenings a week for yourself; go the gym or just get out of the house/visit friends. Can you get a regular babysitter or could the au pair cover this? Buy a dishwasher and ask him to spend more time on the laundry etc.

I babysit for a child who's parents are in this exact same situation. I regularly pick up the child from nursery 2 days a week and I do the occasional Saturday afternoon etc. The child is still young so in bed rather early and I always potter about the house after she is in bed emptying the dishwasher etc.
The dad works abroad 50% of the time and the mum is in an equally high powered job. Sometimes on those nights that I have the child she just does simple things like getting her nails done - some ''me'' time - it's so important
They also have a cleaner that comes in once a week

Buy in help. But why does he need to help his parents business? To be that's the obvious thing the needs to go.

I'm guessing your income is pretty high.
Use that income to buy in the help you need so your precious free time is proper free time. Some possibilities are:

• a housekeeper
• a cleaner
• a laundry service who will collect and deliver
• a food delivery service (a friend of mine who is a chef runs a very successful business where she prepares and delivers freshly cooked meals to households. You may have something similar near you).

I think he should look at getting another job that doesnt require living away and doing that many hours. Absolutely unreasonable to expect you to pick up the slack and especially as he also helps his family. He isn't a single man and you l, the kids and the house is his responsibility!

Thanks all, this is really helpful. I already have a cleaner but getting one in twice a week for things like laundry and an in between tidy would save me a lot of time I think. I enjoy my time with my kids and this would allow me to spend more quality time with them.

DH getting a new job is out of the question. He loves what he does. Also regarding his parents business - I do think he spends too much time helping them but he said that's non negotiable for him. He keeps telling me it is our future inheritance to enable us to retire early