How to support our son in a marriage breakup

[Felistrix]

Hi, I just joined this with a hope that it’s not just for young parents with young children, but hopefully for older parents of adult children, and issues affecting a grandchild.

First some background, my husband and I, and our daughter, have always had issues with our sons wife. From when our daughter wasn’t allowed to bring her 5 month old baby to their wedding, because she might take the limelight from the bride, she had to leave her with a friend, and because she had to leave before the speeches to get to the friends to breastfeed her hungry baby, never lived it down.

We have never said anything to our son about our issues with her, because we aren’t those sort of parents, we have tolerated the various issues with her. She constantly needs to be praised for anything, and that is just one part of it.

In the last few weeks our son has opened up, and is now on the point of moving out. For years, a lot of what he’s done and said was to appease her. And, today he directed me to a link of the signs of abuse from a narcissist, and he said that it was as if someone had listed what his marriage has been like.

He has phoned the helpline Mansline to get an outside opinion, and they confirmed the that how she has treated him over the years is a form of abuse.

I’m not one of these parents that think their baby boy (even when he’s in his 40’s) can’t do anything wrong. He’s no angel, but, his observations now confirm our observations over the last 13 years.

They have a 9 yr old son, and my son has been open with him over the past weeks, he doesn’t want things to hit him like a sledgehammer. He’s told him that mum and dad aren’t getting along, (I’m sure he’s witnessed that), he’s asked how he’d feel about him moving out, and he’s saying he’s ok. Asking where he’ll sleep in his dads flat, and if he can put posters up.

We want to support our son and grandson in the best way we can, so, I’d appreciate any feedback from anyone in his position.

If some of the controlling situations were gender reversed then people would be telling the woman not to accept it. But, a 6ft 5in man with a 5ft 1in wife, controlling his movements, who he is able to spend time with etc, people have more difficulty in accepting that.

I also have an adult son who has been through a relationship breakup. His partner was horrible. I'd say that your best action is to simply offer a sympathetic ear if he wants to talk. He is a grown man and can decide what he wants to do , so let him make his own decisions. Your grandson may well be fine about it - he seems to be OK , asking the practical questions like where he can sleep at Dad's place. Your job will be to just continue to be a loving grandmother and mother to them, to listen if they want to talk, and to avoid bad-mouthing your DIL . They'll be fine .

My son went from being suicidal 6 years ago, to a very different picture now where he has his children 100% of the time and they are all doing really well. All I did was to listen to him when he wanted to talk, and I found a family therapist for him to talk to . But it was all up to him , and he was able to pull himself out of his despair and build a new life. Hopefully your son and grandson will be able to move ahead now too. Best wishes to you - and them.

You must be very upset for your son and worried about your GC. I'm a grandma too so I really sympathise. Obviously you have a close relationship with your son as he trusts you and is Sharing this with you. That's the most important thing right there.
I think you're already being really supportive and I would encourage him to see his GP who will hopefully get him proper counselling. He's lived through years of abuse so specialist help would definitely be warranted. Also encourage him to take legal advice. Go with him if he needs it. He needs to endure he has access to your GC and know his financial rights/responsibilities
You sound like a loving, sensible mother. You'll do the right thing instinctively

I think all you can do as others have said is to be there for him and listen when he wants to talk without judgement. It's good he is looking for other support too as it can be hard sometimes for a man.

Hard as it may be, for your grandson's sake you need to be able to keep a civilised relationship with his mum. When your son and his ex start talking about the time their son will spend with each parent controlling people can get nasty. Grandparents can often be a useful "buffer".

If you're going to take a side, take your grandson's.

Support your son without denigrating your DiL.
Offload to your friends.
Understand your son is no way blameless. It was his wedding too. Ultimately he made made the decision about his breastfeeding sister and her baby.

I agree with PP, stay neutral and support your grandchild without slagging off his mum. It was your son's wedding as well so it he'd wanted your daughter's baby there he would have sorted it.

"Understand your son is no way blameless. It was his wedding too."

" it he'd wanted your daughter's baby there he would have sorted it."

If his wife has a narcissistic personality, and he has indeed been living in an abusive marriage, then these comments are simplistic and inappropriate, as any woman in an emotionally abusive marriage would tell you.

But I agree with pp that you mustn't speak negatively of his wife within earshot of your grandson, who will be reeling no matter how ok he says he is. He needs reassurance, and to see his parents co-parenting amicably, and to feel no pressure whatsoever to 'choose a side'.

Your son may need you for emotional support, to talk things through, or it may be appropriate to direct him towards counselling. If the separation becomes acrimonious you can offer calm advice, remind him of your gs's best interests if he becomes in danger of losing sight of that, make sure he does not shirk any financial responsibilities.

He may need practical support - a bedroom until he can find his own place, childcare at times.

You refer to your son as 'no angel' so you may want to consider the possibility that your dil has her own version of events and keep lines of communication open for your gs's sake.

Well, I just wanted to get more off my chest, away from family, I hope that's ok, I only really have one friend to open up to.

My sons head has been all over the place, he was starting to wonder if it is him, blowing things out of proportion. He was able to talk to a councillor through work, and was advised to not look at the whole picture, but deal with one thing at a time. The first thing was to talk to his wife, explain how he feels, what needs to change, and decide for certain if there's any way to repair the relationship.

So, he did just that, and she listened. However, it seems she didn't actually hear anything. The councillor suggested she could have depression, and asked if she'd ever had a head injury. He explained that she has hydrocephalus, since birth, and has had a few episodes, a couple of which needed surgery to replace the shunt, or the valve. On the build up to needing the surgery, she would have seizures, similar to petit mal/absences, wetting herself, and obviously unwell, but has always been in denial of these times. My son had to video her once, when he called an ambulance, to prove to them the situation, but she is still angry that he did that, in total denial she was unwell.

Anyway, after bringing that up to her, she was angry again, even saying she considered suing the councillor for even suggesting it.

He has showed be screenshots of messages to and from her, and it's obvious she thinks he's the one having a breakdown, and she just has to listen to him and be there for him. It has helped him to realise she has no intention of trying to change. It does seem to have given him the empowerment to realise that there's no fixing his marriage, and he's more clear about moving on.

I'll share a couple of incidents he has shared with me. Firstly, she gave up work when she had our grandson, our son is in a well paid position, financially it's not an issue. He has tried to encourage her to look at a career, (they met at university), and after a few years out of the work environment, he'd suggested voluntary work for experience, and a foot in the door, but she had responded with "so, you don't think I'm good enough/capable of a paid job, only good enough to volunteer?" so he left it. The latest, and more worrying for our grandson, he came home from work, and she said she'd cooked a chicken dinner. He thanked her, and then had to spend a minute on a work email, when she tried to talk he said "I'll be with you in a minute, I just have to reply to this" She then decided she was going to eat all the chicken dinner as he hadn't time for her. After pointing out there was a lot there, she said she didn't care. He told me if this happened in the past he'd just get a Pot Noodle and let it go. But, feeing more empowered lately he went and dished his meal out, and took it upstairs, she then stood at the foot of the stairs, stamping her feet and screaming at him, "THAT'S MY DINNER" (on and on) and our grandson went and sat on the stairs, between them, to stop her going upstairs. Later, my son put the rest on a plate for her, but she decided she wasn't hungry.

Thanks if you've read this far, I know there's a high number of women on this forum, and I'm talking from my sons point of view, but, imagine if this was reversed. If a 5ft(nothing) woman was describing emotional manipulation from a 6ft 5in man, would you bat an eye? But, this is reversed, and he's the one being manipulated. For his mental health, we're here, and will support him and our grandson.

In a breakup he will support her till she can support herself, as well as supping his son. He can financially commit to both as well as looking after himself.

Sorry to hear your son is going through this. I have been the man in an abusive relationship with a woman who most people assumed was meek and mild-mannered. In my case, it was a significantly escalating level of control, jealousy, rages, and - eventually - physical assaults. I left her three years ago, after ending up at hospital being checked for broken bones after an assault, and with the Police involved and my kids having witnessed the latest episode. So, the first thing to say is that these things typically escalate over time - getting out before they get that far is absolutely the right thing to do. There will be times when your son seriously doubts that he's making the right decision (he's been conditioned to believe that it's his fault). You have an important role to play at those times - don't tell him what he should do, but act as a 'mirror' to remind him what it was like, and talk him through maintaining a sense of perspective whenever his brain starts telling him that surely it wasn't that bad, and he can take some more, because if he just finds a way to be better, surely it will all be okay? He WILL think like that at times. You might want to encourage him to keep a journal - looking back on that when he is having a wobble about the wisdom of leaving will help to prevent him minimising what has happened.

Prepare him for the fact that he will lose friends. There will be people who simply don't believe that a man can be the victim of abuse. His wife will almost certainly put about stories of how terrible he has been. My own ex was desparate for people not to know the truth, and so she struck early by putting out lots of rumours about how terrible I was. Real friends saw straight through that. But others bought it. So prepare your son to lose friends. And don't ever retaliate. I told a few trusted people what had really been happening for years. Most, I didn't. Because the people who really suffer when parents go to war on one another's reputations are the kids. Your son needs to take the high ground, put the kids first, and trust that the people who deserve to be in his life will see through any lies that are put around about him.

Custody arrangements are critical. Here, you can be of practical support to your son as well as emotional support. My biggest fear was getting myself out of the harmful situation, and leaving the kids in it. He needs to see a lawyer fast, and he needs to be willing to fight. My ex played silly beggars, and thought she could bully me into having things her own way. She quickly learned that, when it came to the welfare of my kids, I was unstoppable. When she indulged in behaviour that was harmful to them, I involved the school and social services. When she tried to limit my time with them, she hit a legal brick wall. She quickly stopped the worst of that, when she realised that I wasn't going to back down. We agreed 50/50. I still have to watch closely, because some of her behaviour remains a concern. Just this week, I raised a series of safeguarding concerns over her treatment of our eldest daughter, and made clear that certain things have to stop or I would reopen safeguarding activity. She will always be mentally unwell (I'm pretty sure she has Borderline Personality Disorder), but she understands that some things have consequences, and that moderates the worst of her behaviour. You will need to help your son stay resolute if he has to go into battle for his kids. They come first. Always.

Follow his lead when it comes to talking about it. Sometimes, he might want to talk about. Possibly, the same thing many times. Because he is trying to make sense of it all. Other times, he will not. Take his lead, and just be there when he needs you to be.

Above all, help him to see that there are much better times ahead. I'm three years down the line now, and I've never been happier. My girls and I have an amazing time together - we are living our lives fully, and doing things we'd never have dreamed of when we were living in the shadow of my ex. It gets so much better. But it's really hard for a while first.

Good luck to him. He's far from alone. 1 in 3 victims of dlmestic abuse is male. We don't talk about it much. But there's a lot of us out there. He will doubtless discover many friends, colleagues, or acquaintences in a similar position as this progresses. I was astonished when I found out just how many of the blokes I know had to deal with an abusive partner. Use charities like The Mankind Initiative when he needs support, and never quit.

I think it's good that your son has decided to leave. Ppl like his wife will not change. She's been used to him being a pushover.

Can I suggest that your son doesn't tell his wife what the counsellor says. She will never agree with anything unless it paints her in a good light.

For your DS... is he close to his son? Do they have a strong bond? Because if not, it will be easier for his wife to use him as a pawn and withhold access.

My brother went through a divorce. We were there for him. Tried to see if they could work things out, but it became clear that wasn't going to happen.

As others have said, dont be negative about your DIL around your DS or DGS.

Thank you both, I think he has a rough road ahead before it gets better. She's not going to make it easy for him. But I'll take on board your advice. Thanks