Hi MN’ers. I’d appreciate your take on this issue.
So, I have been with my partner for almost three years now, and it has always been a long distance thing. On average, we see each other once a fortnight which I dislike, but have to consider money and, most importantly, my two kids (from my ex). When we first got together, we were seeing each other more regularly and about a year into proceedings, he suggested moving to my side of the country to live together. I said it’d be something to work towards and that with children involved, it was best to tread carefully. So that idea was parked, if you like. We re-visited it a few times over the years but never named a date.
Fast forward to today and I’m feeling ready to take the relationship to the next level and guess what...? He’s completely changed, saying he has too many commitments to make the move at the moment. I might add, the main commitment is his voluntary work, which he could easily transfer over here. He volunteers for a national organisation, after all. When I suggested putting a date on it to work towards (say six months) he agreed, but has since made zero effort to look for paid work (or voluntary work, for that matter) around here. I feel fobbed off, to be honest.
There are other issues which I’ll summarise - the main one being money. He hid £30k of residual divorce debt from me for over two years and to be honest, there’s a bit of me wondering what else he’s hidden. I chose to overlook it, and thought that eventually the debt would go. I’d just stay financially unlinked from him until such time.
Having had a dreadful relationship prior to meeting him (the children’s dad was a horror), I feel he provides the gentleness I needed for so long. However, I also feel that me and my children are playing second best to his hobbies. Are my children going to wonder why they’re not good enough to live with one day, I wonder? I’m feeling increasingly annoyed that we’re not taking more of a role in his life at this stage. He says he isn’t bothered about the fact that I have kids, that he does love me and wants to be here with me, but I’m not so sure. I can’t help wondering if he’s scared it’ll not work out, or that he’ll have to live on ‘my’ terms. It’s hard to say it, but it really feels like he’s acting like a self-centred single man.
What do you think? Should we be more important to him at this stage in the relationship?