The "too nice" thing

[ThatCurlyGirl]

Sorry for the essay but really want some advice from wise MNetters.

Been speaking to someone and potentially arranging a date. I hate that I'm thinking this but I think he's "too nice" - I'd eat him alive I think when it comes to a relationship.

I'm not thinking about this situation specifically but taking notice of my thought process for future.

However, I have previously been with men who have been pretty selfish with the exception of one so maybe I'm comparing a "too nice" guy with what I'm used to.

I want to be with someone with a bit of oomph about them - I can be ballsy and gobby (a lot of the time and never in anger or to put someone down) and I think I'd miss that kind of joking around together.

Has anyone worried at the start of a relationship about someone being much less dominant but then settling into more of an equal partnership?

Or do you think he's actually just being very open about how he is early on and then it's up to both of us whether to see each other again.

I guess what I'm asking is whether anyone has been either relieved or regretted not listening to their instinct that someone would be a bit of a (and I HATE this word but can't think of an alternative to describe wuss?

And to be clear I don't like bad boys or anything. I don't want someone always dominant but absolutely do want an equal teammate.

I don't want to feel someone is maybe in love with the idea of love and so feel so pleased that they're with someone they like.

I worry wouldn't stand up for what they wanted when it came to decisions / activities / relationship styles?

Basically am I being an arsehole that when thinking about being in a relationship in future with someone who might be described as "too nice" (again not specifically this guy just trying to recognise and reflect on my own feelings.)

I think you need to listen to your gut. What do you feel really deep down? If you are being completely honest with yourself

I think it really depends on the guy. People have many sides and your knowledge of him is extremely limited at this point. I think that there's a good chance that he's just being open with you and you should give it a go.

If you previously made bad decisions then I'd give this one a chance to see if he can hold his own opinions without being a selfish git.

I think someone being nice is one thing, being drippy is another. After the bad experiences I've had, I'd be very pleased to meet someone nice, but I have come across men who I found to be so "wet blanket" they got on my nerves. By that I mean they had no opinions on anything, couldn't answer a question about what they liked, didn't seem to have any initiative at all. I think they would have been harmless and unlikely to act like arseholes, but I don't want to have to think for or mother an adult man.

I always thought 'too nice' was polite a synonym for 'not sexy'
Can you imagine sleeping with him. Or does it make your skin crawl a bit

By reading your post I think we like a similar kind of dynamic - banter, quick witted and stimulating.

If you’re thinking he’s “too nice” and this is putting you off the very first date, you may well be right but are def judging too quickly.

It sounds like you don’t instantly feel the spark/chemistry, but this can be totally overturned if you meet him and in real life he has the “twinkle”

Maybe meet him with an open mind but no expectations and see if you get on?

As long as he’s not a maniac you have nothing to lose

If you’re worried about requiring chemistry and banter (which it sounds like you are describing to me - apologies if I’m wrong!) in a relationship, plenty of guys will have this and be decent too so I personally wouldn’t overthink or try and retrain my attractions unless they were genuinely abusive tendencies Xx

I could have written your opening post. I identify with everything you've written.

For me it translates as the diference between me perceiving the man as masculine (and sexy) or wet and femine (and not sexy).

Wetness to me is a bit of a turn off.

I wouldn't write someone off too early though. The most rampantly macho sociopaths may appear "too nice" early on if they are mirroring what they think someone wants.

I hear you though.

Also just because you don’t want to be with someone who is “too nice” this does not mean you are “not nice” (or an arsehole)

You don't find him sexy. You don't seem to respect him. It sounds like any relationship with him would be doomed from the start.

Just go on a date or two with him.

You can't judge anything before actually meeting someone.

He may have that oompf but not over the top with it so fast.

I would give it a try and see how you get on. There’s nothing to lose.

I am a very assertive person with a fiery personality. My dh probably falls into the ‘too nice’ category. I thought he was lovely but maybe a bit boring when we met. He was kind and respectful and no drama. That was not what I was used to.

But here we are, nearly 11 years later...we have a very happy relationship and a happy family life. It turns out being ‘nice’ is a really good thing. All the drama I craved in my 20s, definitely is not something I want in my 30s and 40s. We’ve found a good balance. I’m still bossy and overbearing, but he is patient and knows how to deal with it and it works just fine.

There’s no harm in seeing how it goes. If it isn’t for you, then you can always just not see him again.

Funny, isn't it? Women say they want someone that treats them well but very often a man is described as being "too nice". I've never yet heard a man say a woman he's been dating is "too nice".

ShatnersWig sometimes men can't win.

Which is awful, I should have clarified.

I’m not sure his starting out behaviour will be his continuing behaviour for one - I’m more dominant as I know people better. The fancying thing is crucial, I’m not sure how much you can tell before you get to a critical point!

As others have said, if you’re a bad picker, worth seeing a bit longer how things develop.

Thanks so much to everyone who replied I really appreciate it.

I think it's spot on that I can't imagine myself physically with him. Although I've been a bad picker in the past, I've had a couple of lovely partners who were gentle types but could still hold their own with me - I adored them and vice versa but just not compatible long term. So I think that's maybe a better description of what I like - someone who can hold their own.

Perhaps "too nice" was clumsily worded and what I mean is overly earnest - agreeing with everything you say when they actually don't, or not having strong opinions on anything at all.

Appreciate what you say @ShatnersWig but I date men and women and have stopped seeing women in the past who I felt were overly earnest so not a man thing to me. It feels fake to me I guess if someone is always trying to be agreeable rather than being themselves.

My gut says that he's so keen to be in a relationship that it wouldn't be about "us" and he would act the same way with anyone, so it wouldn't be about two people being compatible just about him acting out what he thinks a loving relationship would be like if that makes sense.

I feel a little that I'd be using him as a kind of experiment to compare to previous relationships that have gone wrong. I've known that I wasn't happy before and not listened to my gut and left, so maybe from now on I need to listen to my gut more rather than proactively choosing to date people who don't share any traits with my exes?

Go on a date and see how it goes.What's the harm in it? If there's no spark, you don't have to get into a relationship with him.