DH keeps me in the dark about things

[KnackeredMoo]

I don't feel like DH and I are w close partnership. We have been married for 5 years and have a baby daughter. The issue is how he keeps me in the dark about his day to day life. I'm not suspicious about it it's more that I'm just not involved in any of it. For example he's in the process of selling an arm of his business but I only know through gleaning information from conversations I've overheard. When I ask him about it he says he's too stressed to talk about it and completely shuts down.

He works for himself and I never know what he's doing or if he's going to be at home or at work from one day to the next. He can be working on various projects and I have to drag it out of him to find out the bare bones of the project. I just don't feel we are close. He wants to know the ins and outs of what I'm doing. I've confronted him about it a lot and he says he doesn't want to stress me out with it but he knows I find it more stressful the way he behaves now.

WWYD?

It sounds like you need to tell him you find it stressful knowing nothing about the business. Can you have a set time each week to talk about it maybe and leave him to it the rest of the time ?

Maybe start with compassion for the stress rather than confrontation. I know when things are difficult for me I shut down communication for fear of looking stupid or unorganised etc. Try "I understand that your projects are stressful, but let me be a sounding board. I don't want to be judgemental but it often helps to say it out loud"
Good luck.

He’s enjoying the power. Keeping you in the dark and knowing everything you do. Take back the power. Give him a taste of his Ian medicine - if he asks why, explain calmly. Refuse to budge. You can’t live like this.

I agree with Twizz
Dh runs a business and actually has the opposite problem, when he’s stressed he doesn’t stop talking about it!
Running your own business can be very lonely. I actually joined the business, in a small capacity at first but it helped us both, I knew what was going on, he didn’t have to explain things and I was able to have input too.
I now work in the business full time, and working together has really improved our marriage and the business!

Would you want to get involved in the business in some way?

If I have work related stress things, I actually don't want to talk about them. It reinforces them in my head, and brings them to the front of my mind all the time.

I should add, money/tax wise, there are huge benefits for a couple to be involved in a business together, so that’s a very positive incentive for your H to get you involved in it.

I am betting the posters here who say they shut down when they feel stressed still do their partners the courtesy of telling them whether they’ll be at home or at work the next day.

He probably doesn't want you knowing anything about 'his' business in case you split at some point and you decide to go after half the business assets that you have helped him accumulate.

Seems very odd.
Also seems very disrespectful to you.
To actually not know when your DH will be around is very strange.
How much does he help out when he is home?
Do you work?

Next time he asks about your day, tell him you don’t want to stress him out.

See what he says.

I agree - tell him as much about your day as he tells you about his.

He wants to know what you've been doing? He goes first, then you'll tell him about yours in the same level of detail - a vague response from him only gets a vague response from you, etc.

It'll probably frustrate him, so take the opportunity to point out how stressful and unpleasant it is to be shut out of your partners' life.

I’d be wondering if his business is in the process of going tits up and he’s concealing it while stressing over it.
It’s most unfair of him to refuse to discuss it with you. Marriage is a partnership- he made a vow to endow you with all his worldly goods, which surely includes his business and source of income? How can you budget if you have no idea what state his finances are in, or what the prospects are for his business long term?
I’d be sitting him down and having a discussion on the meaning of marriage.

I just don't feel we are close. He wants to know the ins and outs of what I'm doing.

I think that says a lot.
He likes to know what you do, in detail.
He doesn't care to share what he's doing.

Do you feel like an equal partner?

Oh I had this. He remortgaged the house against his business and never told me.
He is now my ex.

OP are you working at the moment (or on Mat leave?) How old is your DD?

I'm trying to be charitable here and acknowledge that running your own business can be really stressful and sometimes scary, and maybe he thinks of you as his "safe space" where he can retreat and leave all that shit outside.

But if that's the case, he needs to acknowledge that you and DD have needs too - you're not there to bring him his slippers and pipe and give him a relaxing shoulder massage FFS. He needs to let you know his plans for the day, in advance. So you can do basic meal planning for a start!

Does he own a company with employees, or is he a solo contractor?

When he asks you what you've been up to during the day, does it feel controlling or critical? (EG You took DD to the park? What did you dress her in? It's cold in the wind! There could be perverts out there! etc)

Or do you get the sense he just wants to hear about family life to take his mind off work?

Dh runs his own business. It drains him.

When he comes home he has to switch off otherwise it will consume him. I dont need him to get home from work at 8pm and give me a complete run down of his day.

He focuses on me and the girls.

If I ask he will tell me. If any thing massively important happens financially - he will tell me.

Maybe he is just switching off

This is a tough one because some people hid things on purpose for underhanded reasons or to be controlling, others just really aren't bothered about conversing with their spouse. Neither is ideal but the first one is worse and needs sorting sooner.

I'm in slightly the same situation but with us it's that he isn't bothered talking to me. I was at a family gathering with in laws and BIL mentioned their grandma's funeral last week, how it was to bad they couldn't go (as she lived overseas). It was the first I heard she had died! DH apparently hadn't thought it worth mentioning .