Question about dealing with (minor) anger

[INPH]

Hello, dear all. I want to ask how to react reasonably to my husband's minor anger, tantrums. He is really a good man and everything is fine, but his minor anger issues are starting to get on my nerves.

So, we dated around 3 years and are now rather newly married, 6 months in. No children yet. He has always been wonderful and I dearly love him, but he has always had this minor anger issue.

I am a very calm person and even if I get mad or furious about something, I just remove myself from the situation and deal with the situation/thing later or I just quickly calm myself down internally and keep it to myself and everything is fine and I continue doing whatever I was doing. Most of the time I do not let myself be bothered about surrounding things, so I do not even notice things to get mad about.

So it is rather difficult for me to understand his reactions. At first I tried to calm him down, then I just started ignoring it. But to be honest, it's starting to get more and more on my nerves. I'd like to handle it somehow.

So, he is not violent and his anger is not towards me. It is related to things like:
a) he starts doing something and then he gets fed up of it, is no longer interested in it and then he starts rolling his eyes and sighing and gets mad if something goes wrong (swears, makes angry comments, and is sulking);
b) he tries to repair something, for example, and if it is not going as easy or the way he likes, he gets again mad, to my eyes even furious (sighs, swears, raises his voice, sometimes throws stuff around a bit (really only sometimes and only a bit), blames everything and everyone around him)
c) we go outside or to a store and something is wrong, like the store does not have the thing he wanted or if someone is on his way or if we have to wait for a waiter of if the bus is late or if a dog runs into his legs, or if someone accidentally touches him - he again starts rolling his eyes, gets tense, starts making passive-aggressive comments about the situation, blames everyone and so on.

The last point (c) is just plain annoying and sometimes ruin my mood. I can ignore these, but as they happen basically daily, it is so annoying. Regarding the louder reactions (point b), I do understand why one would get upset if something does not go the way it was planned, but still it is difficult to understand such a strong reaction. And this is the part where I get so tense and feel sick in my stomach when he reacts so loudly, especially as usually he is the most calm and relaxed person. Such big things do not happen often, but when they do, I actually hate him for being like this. Luckily, he calms down soon and then also apologizes.

So my question now is. How to deal with such situations? Talking to him about it has not helped (he says it is not easy to not get angry, so there is nothing he can do about it); ignoring these things does not make the problem disappear and as it starts to annoy me more and more, then ignoring is not a solution. I mean, as we have discussed having children, I'm starting to think whether I actually want children with him because children could make his issues worse...

Perhaps I must call him on his actions somehow? Really show him how unacceptable these things are and that I'm being serious?

For example, we are doing a joint project at home; for me, it is a very enjoyable thing to do and the result is good for both of us. He wants to participate, but does not seem to be so keen as I am. At the same time, I do need his help also, because he has knoweledge and skills I do not have. So, when we have worked on it, he seems to get fed up rather quickly and the "tantrum" starts. He does the task, but is swearing and being impatient etc, he won't stop, just keeps on doing it while swearing and commenting by himself. I haven't said anything to him. So, it has been on hold for some time now and I really like to finish the project, because I want it to be done and also because I enjoy doing it. But I get scared that he ruins it again with his moods.
I was wondering, perhaps I should tell him, whenever he starts his "tantrum" again, that "stop, go away if you can't handle doing it, it is something that is important to me, it is a pleasure to me, but with your reaction you are ruining it to me and I do not want you to be here doing it". Would it be too harsh?
Also, like when we are in a store, for example and he gets annoyed by something and it affects me strongly. Would it be OK to just tell him I cannot take it and I will leave and then walk out the store?

Or am I being too harsh? Not supportive to my husband? I should accept the way he is, especially as I chose to marry him, and just ignore it? I mean, I have also things about me that annoy him, but he ignores them or copes internally with these things and never uses such harsh ways to deal with those, only makes some comments sometimes. I do love him and want to be with him and everything, but this little thing is really affecting me. I keep thinking that maybe it gets worse if I just ignore it and maybe we already have children then and he cannot control himself then?

I have never known this sort of thing get better. It's interesting that he could control himself in the early days, because he knew you'd dump him if he behaved like that. Now he feels secure and thinks he can behave how how wants.

I wouldn't have a child with him, I'm afraid.

Did he do similar behaviours prior to marriage or has this from only really ramped up ever since you married him?. Why did you ignore or minimise the red flags re him here?.

He sounds like a petulent manchild (the sulking behaviour of his is really another form of emotional abuse) and is also likely to be very much a product of his own upbringing. He is blaming everyone else but his own self for his apparant shortcomings.

Have a close look at his parents OP: one or even worse both of them act as he does. This is learnt behaviour and thus deeply ingrained within him. He is not going to change, you can only change how you react to him.

I would certainly not bring any child into this dynamic and such men do not change. This is who he is. You have a choice re this man, a child does not.

Does your husband act this way around his boss and co-workers? Does he start swearing around them, bang around and blame them for all the ills in his world? Of course he doesn't. YOU are his emotional punching bag. If you're not already, you will soon find yourself walking on eggshells in your own home, all day every day, because god forbid something happens to set him off. As for the bullshit that "he can't help it", what a load of bollocks. He chooses to act this way and he simply expects you to take it. Imagine a lifetime with a husband who tantrums like a spoilt child. Just the thought makes me sick, and I promise he will not get better. He will get worse.

As someone who has raised their children to adulthood, I cringe at the thought of you having children with this man. If you think he's bad now, just you wait. No matter how lovely they are, children bring an enormous amount of stress and upheaval into your life, and that's on the good days. Don't bring children into the world who will have a tyrant as a father.

He doesn't sound remotely wonderful
Don't have children with a child who tantrums like this

He needs pulling up on it every time.
Your love and respect for him will keep taking hits until there's nothing left.
He needs to understand how this affects you.
Could you have some joint counselling?
Would he agree to that?
This won't last if he keeps this up and that is something he needs to realise - sooner rather than later!

I doubt very much that he will entertain counselling because he likely thinks he is doing nothing wrong here. If he does refuse counselling then go on your own; you need a calm safe environment to talk in.