I'm going to ruin my relationship with my trust issues

[Zoe0686]

Dear Mumsnet,
I'm fighting a battle against myself. I separated from my kids dad and the divorce is has just finalised. I've been with my current partner for 9 months and I'm completely in love with him and he is with me, well, at least I think so. I've never liked myself, hate my body,my looks. Was bullied in school for the way I looked etc. When I saw my partner on a dating site I thought that there would be no way on earth he would like me or reply. When he did I was gobsmacked. When we met I told him he could run if he wanted to, single mum with4 kids who thinks she's ugly.
He is way way out of my league, like he could get one of these tanned, big boobed, perfect girls so easily, no baggage.
Problem is, I'm constantly thinking he has or will. I watch him when we are in the car to see if he's looking at girls,if we are in town and gorgeous girls walk past I put my head down and look at the floor cos my confidence just plummets and I don't want to see him looking. He went to a work conference back in October when we had been together for over 2 months and already told eachother we loved eachother. I found out he spent most of the night drinking,talking and dancing with two girls from a different work company and then found phot booth photos of them and he had his arm around the waist of one of them in every photo (there where three lots of photos from through out the night)
I was sick to my stomach and confronted him which ended up in a massive falling out and I nearly lost him and he was so angry and upset that I didn't trust him. He told me he didn't want to go through all this pain and hurt again after his past relationship. But I still do it, I get butterflies every time he gets a whatsapp text incase it's a girl, but it never is and hasn't been since we've been together but I'm waiting for it to happen. Before I met him I was ready to end my life and don't worry, I've never felt so guilty about thinking about leaving my kids but when you hit rock bottom and hate what you see in the mirror it's hard. My ex husband cheated on me and had photos of porn star girls on his phone.
I sometimes feel like my partner is trapped and he's scared of hurting me if he finds someone prettier. I don't want to lose him but I've thought about ending it to save him from my issues and he can be happy. He deserves so much better and I feel ashamed and embarrassed for him to be seen holding my hand or kiss him in public as I see girls looking at him thinking "what the heck is he with her for" 😔😔😢😢 I know it's all in my head but if this carries on I'm going to lose him and push him away. I still cover myself up when I get out of the bath with him and I take my clothes off under the covers at bed time. He tells me if I can't be comfortable in front of him then it doesn't speak well for us and our future if I can never appreciate what he sees in me. Please don't judge, I know I'm a prat xx

Put the relationship issues to one side for a second, this isn't a relationship issue this is a self esteem issue. You really hate yourself and its affecting your whole life. Its not normal to be on edge every time your partners phone pings or to look at the floor when you see an attractive woman, you are probably attractive too, you just cant see it!

Is there anyway you could afford some counselling, because you cant carry on this way. No matter how attractive someone is they will eventually push their partner away acting this way, its suffocating.

I admit the dancing with girls at the party thing isn't exactly great but as long as you trust him and it was just an innocent dance I don't see the harm really.

@NASA20
My mouth opens before my brain engages sometimes and I say something like "you looked at that girl" or I say something about there being too many perfect girls around but most of the time I just shut down and go quiet or depressed.
When it was hot weather it was my worst nightmare. All these perfect girls in shorts and crop tops while I'm over here in my skinny jeans cos I have stretch marks all down my legs from having 4 children and weight loss. He does reassure me most of the time but it's not as a compliment, it is more like a counselling thing which he shouldn't have to do, he should be my partner and best friend, not a counsellor everytime I get one of my worries. I don't think the dancing was provocative in anyway, he told me that nothing happened and they all danced and talked and if I get pissed off each time he talks to a girl then our relationship if going to hard as there is no trust. We have both been through some bad relationships and he told me that he isn't ready to tell me the main reason he split with his kids mum as it's too painful and he doesn't want to open old wounds so I'm guessing he's probably been through as much shit as me. When it good it's really good, our sex life has fizzled since we moved in, maybe once-twice a week something will happen (not always full sex) and straight away I think it's cos he doesn't find me attractive anymore or I'm no good at it which isn't the reason, he's exhausted from his new job and he loves nothing more than to cuddle and tickle with me.

God you could be me writing this OP, I feel very similar about my DP, he seems so far out of my league. I don’t know what to advise but you’re not alone feeling like this 🙄💐

We’ve all been there where we think we’re not good enough or not pretty enough, the truth is the girls you think are “perfect” probably pick themselves apart just like me or you. Research into counselling, listen to self esteem podcasts/hypnotherapy on Spotify or YouTube. When he gives you a complement believe him, stop focusing on other women they aren’t your competition. Nobody can be taken from you but they can leave if they want to. He’s with you for a reason and he obviously loves you. Try work on yourself and I’m sure your mindset will change.

Why are you putting this man on a pedestal? He's just a man as you are a woman! Your self esteem issues are very deep and you may need professional help if you can't deal with them alone. Whether the relationship survives is another question altogether.

Not only have you put him on a pedestal but tbh normally our gut is right. Two days ago my 'perfect' man who acted like an angel to me was actually cheating all along. You could be totally right that he is up to no good. If he was away at that conference and you found photos/he was dancing with girls who knows what he got up to. Don't blame yourself so much and try and learn to love you. You're an amazing woman and mother I'm sure and if anything he should be lucky to have you.

You got to fix your self esteem! Listen to Nathaniel Barden's ''six pillars of self-esteem'' on you tube and do the exercises. Take it slowly and work on them.

you are more than the sum of your parts so don't start thinking of yourself as inferior boobs and inferior hair and inferior legs please !!

It sounds like you are not healed from being cheated on previously and so are now looking for/expecting it to happen.

You don’t mention too much context of what happened with you ex-H but if that was a total shock at the time within the confines of wedlock then it is natural to think that if HE could do it (after marriage/kids) then it would be definitely something someone who was not that “officially” committed would be capable of.

You are trying to spot it before it happens and seeing things that aren’t necessarily there. That is understandable (although I wouldn’t be happy about the arm around the same girl in every photo at the event either tbf).

I’m so so sorry you feel like this - you are definitely not alone in feeling like this. It’s shit but it is a mindset - YOUR mindset - and you can start to be far, far kinder to yourself. It might be hard but you have 4 beautiful DC to whom you are the most important person and it sounds like you’ve been through a very difficult time. I think you should try and slowly grow an inner voice that treats you with the respect you deserve.

Every time you hear the inner voice starting to slag yourself off try and imagine that voice is using those words against your mum/best friend/child. How would you react? Tell them to leave them alone and F off? Say it to the voice. Don’t let it drag you down.

Start a new voice. One that says “I am an amazing strong woman who had the strength and balls to leave my cheating, [insert adjectives] exH even with 4 DC”. THAT is bloody impressive. You’ve surpassed Beyoncé there!!!

You deserve to be loved, respected, valued and treated well. You should start treating yourself like this.

If you’re dwelling on other random girls this undermines every other quality you’re bringing to the party. And no matter how much you don’t want to admit it, you must have something pretty hawt going on as it sounds like this guy really, really likes you.

He is not out of your league. You’re in a relationship. He’s not better than you. Please be kinder to yourself. You sound like a lovely strong woman just in a cul-de-sac of self-loathing and you deserve better than spending your time punishing yourself and putting yourself down.

My mum used to say “the only person you’re guaranteed to wake up with every morning is yourself” - please be a good, loving friend to yourself.

Good luck OP xx

so long!! Sorry!!

*SomewhereNow

God you could be me writing this OP, I feel very similar about my DP, he seems so far out of my league. I don’t know what to advise but you’re not alone feeling like this 🙄💐*

Op, I’m the same too. Doesn’t help that I cyber stalked his exes and they’re all genuinely younger, prettier and better figures than me. It makes me insecure and I know I have self esteem issues mainly from childhood and series of bad relationships but also because I now have disabilities and can’t exercise and have put on loads of weight due to pain and drugs.
I’m waiting for counselling to help me to work on my anxiety and self esteem issues, maybe this could help you too?

Thank you all so much. You have given me great advice and support. He is a lovely man and deep down I think I know that he wouldn't cheat but it's like I'm sort of preparing myself for it. I'm 32 and he is 34 but he certainly doesn't look it.
I will look into some of the counselling sites you have all given today x

One thing to be aware of OP is ‘some’ men however decent looking themselves genuinely don’t like high maintenance women for actual relationships, they find them a bit much. They might think ‘oh she’s a looker’ but couldn’t be arsed with them. As one good looking bloke told me , ‘got fed up of a girlfriend who spent more time on a night out in the bathroom titling her face up’ than she did with him.

I know I'm going to ruin it if I carry on. Just by the way he reacts straight after I've said something or accuse something, I can just tell it's hurt him and he can't be dealing with it.
You're right when you say that I have no love for myself, I honestly spent years of being made out to be worthless and lonely.
Things ended badly with my ex, he was a narcissist, emotionally and verbally abusive, he would lose his temper and throw things. He would always put work before me and the kids and if I was ill to the point where I could hardly stand up and being sick as soon as I sat up, he wouldn't take the day off to help out, I literally done everything. I've been left with all the debt and bills while he gets all his money and pays no rent and pays pennies for his kids.

Honest response - yes, you will ruin the relationship if you continue as you are. No matter the reasons, if you're constantly suspecting him of cheating, wanting to know who is messaging him, checking to see if he's looking at other women, and responding with suspicion when he has to work away, that behaviour is not just totally exhausting, but crosses a line into abusive. That's because it means your partner is constantly walking on eggshells, second guessing himself and trying not to trigger your suspicions. It's not okay. I've been there, and it is no way for anyone to live.

I inderstand that it comes from low self esteem. But that is your issue to fix - it isn't your partner's responsibility to manage that for you. Seek counselling. Get hobbies. Revanp your appearance if you want to do that (for you - not for anyone else). But take ownership. And stol telling yourself that you can't control this behaviour. You may not be able to control the feelings you have about your appearance, but you can control whether and how you choose to act on those feelings, and the position you put your partner in as a consequence.

Never mind the relationship, you're ruining YOU. Thoughts are not facts.

You have worth as a human being. You are loved. You are enough, just as you are. Worrying about something and everything won't stop it happening. None of us can control the actions of others, just our own. Now is the time to build yourself up and believe in the great things about you.

I just wish I could accept myself. Sometimes I will do something or say something really ditsy or stupid and he will look at me funny and instead of laughing at myself I get defensive and say "great, you think I'm stupid and weird" then I think to myself "why do you have to be such an idiot, he will want someone normal if you carry this on"
I think I need to find someone who can help me but money is so tight. I got 4 children, single parent, their dad isn't helping much so I got to pay for mainly everything. I have had counselling before through the GP for depression but it was mainly online and I didn't find it helped, I prefer face to face