Can we talk about the Rules?

[YellowAardvark]

I just read this. Some of it gave me the red haze but there is a lot that I wish I’d read earlier too - not to entrap men but to protect my own self esteem a little better. What do other people think of it? Does it work?

What rules?

I’m sure they work for a particular type of man who enjoys game-playing and stereotypical roles. I doubt they work for men who offer and expect straightforward interaction - just as they don’t work for women who can’t be fucked with what amounts to manipulation to keep a man interested. I couldn’t behave as The Rules tell me to and not squirm inside, to be honest.

Sure, some of it is good advice - don’t change for a man or try to change him; don’t bare your soul to strangers; don’t fit your life around a man but make a man fit around your life. But really that’s basic self-preservation and needs to be something we tell women as a matter of fact rather than included in a book as a way of attracting men.

Yeah I think it might help snag a man but not lead to a fulfilling relationship

whatever it’s a dating book

If you need to jump through hoops as @ComtesseDeSpair posts suggests, why the hell would you bother? If it ain’t easy, don’t bother seems more sage advice

I’ll talk about the Rules. They’re absolute bollocks.

They're not bollocks.

Yes there is an irritatingly twee way to read the,.

But if you look at the core message 'value yourself, don't put up,with shoddy treatment in even the little things, fill your life with good stuff so your relationship is an add-on not the whole focus' it's standard MN advice.

Also, the idea that you deserve a man that really fancies you (initial stages) and values you (as things move on) is spot on. Now, counting frequency of phone calls might be a bit obsessive (do remember it doesn't advocate waiting around to be called, it recommends getting on with life, and seeing if he's interested enough to call you).

The basic message is sound. Don't over-invest in a relationship until he shows willing. Don't sell yourself short or do all the running in a relationship. Give him a chance to step up.

A big caveat, which is not in the book, is to continue to have your twat-dar on because a person who lovebombs or future-fakes can pass the rules but still be unsuitable.

My new rule is: if I feel compelled to start a mn thread on him it’s probably a no 😀

What would your actual rules be?

I read it and married dh less than two years after reading it. I think that was more coincidence looking back. The authors marriage didn't work out did it.

I do agree that it's good to write down what you believe it is reasonable to expect. Because so many times I knew that in theory x, y or z wasn't good enough but then some man would come along and I wouldn't feel ....entitled to walk away because of the 'issue' that I knew in my heart was not good enough for me.

I did this a few times until I don't know, something snapped in me maybe I just finally genuinely understood and believed that I could not only BE happier alone but that I was more likely to be happy alone. Since then I've found it easier to give up and walk away from men.

You have to FEEL the rules, not as rules, but just feel it so entrenched at your core ''i want this man's focused attention'', and ''If he's dating other people as well as me then eugh''. You have to be brave enough to not care if you put your terms out there and he walks away though.
I've had that. I put my terms down once (just, no circular dating if you want to date me) and he shrugged and walked away but I felt very empowered actually, not rejected.

I can see why the rules get slated though. It depends what you want. But the core principal is don't accept shit that you don't want just cos you're a people pleasing lonely singleton.

I recommend reading a few books about self-esteem as that probably has a more naturally similar effect to the rules. eg the six pillars. listening to a lot of clips on youtube helped me too.

yes, there is a risk that by playing hard to get you attract the avoidant types. I think you have to BE hard to 'win'. Not in a fake way but just have that genuine self-confidence and lack of investment in to whether a relationship with a man you've been out with twice develops or not. It's very hard to fake the second, hence ''rules''. They kind of work for a while but I can definitely see how you could end up in a shitty relationship with an avoidant man because you didn't text him too often, or didn't ring him up, you played ''coool'' and the prize you won was an avoidant boyfriend.

I have a close male friend who is definitely avoidant. I could see him becoming infatuated with a Rules girl. But then he also laments ‘why do I always disengage after 2 months?’ You can’t keep up the Rules forever.

I like the part about not being available spontaneously but that’s because when I’ve done this in the past I’ve gotten in bad habits of being ‘free’ just in case.

I think it’s quite outdated the stuff about diet and exercise