42 and completely alone in abusive marriage

[lalavan]

I have no one who really cares for me. H has temper. Has been abusive (verbally, emotionally throughout). In between becomes affectionate, cuddly. Occasionally ashamed and remorseful of his behaviour, other times self-righteous about anger.
I grew up with a very controlling (loving, punishing) family. So I can see how I landed up in this marriage.
I have a very small family. I talked to my aunt, she advised me to stay with him as he has admitted he was wrong to say (really hurtful things in aggressive way). He had told me 100s of time now, he would work on his issues, that he was wrong. When angry, he really portrays me an evil person, really dominating, threatening (not physically) said he wanted me out of his life (said that last week). I spoke to him yesterday, he says he is very stressed (true), he said things in anger, he will do meditation to work on his anger but no therapy. He doesn't want to end the marriage.
I don't trust now. I miss him for those affectionate moments as my family is neither affectionate nor empathetic. I think I still feel some love for him. I have no work, kids, and a family who support by adding salt to wounds and then arguing back.

Has anyone out of abusive marriage late in life, without any family, social support. How did it turn out for you? I worry for future either way. Thanks for listening.

Hi OP, I was 37 and just had my youngest when I left my abusive Ex. I missed him and what I thought I wanted, but I knew deep down I deserved better and I was not happy.

Ask yourself if you are truly honest, are you completely happy with him? Ask yourself if you could imagine spending the rest of your days with him waiting for him to be abusive then flick back to promising you the world.

I think you already know the answer, plan for your future instead of investing in your past.

Thanks for your post. Are you happy now?
I feel my life is over. I will never have kids, family of my own. I worry I will end up completely alone. I come from a very small, dysfunctional and egoistic family.

Make your 43rd year and subsequent years on this planet a lot happier for you.

You only need to give yourself permission to leave your abuser and you do not have to stay within it. As you rightly surmise growing up within such a dysfunctional abusive family yourself made it far easier for you to end up with your own abuser. He is projecting his own self onto you; abusive men do this all that time. He targeted you and your boundaries, weak as they were to begin with, have and are being further eroded by your abuser now.

The nice/nasty cycle he shows you is a continuous one. He is only "nice" to you on his terms and if you were to look closely you would find that the "nice" is becoming further and farther between.

Your aunt was and remains totally wrong here. She really did give you some crap advice. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

What would you say to a friend of yours in this situation, would you for instance tell her to stay?. No you would not. You will be far better off out of this abusive marriage; it will destroy you further emotionally and physically if you were to remain within it. I can see why he does not want to end the marriage; if he did he would have to find another sap to control and that takes work. He does not see you at all as any sort of equal here, men like this hate women, ALL of them.

The fact he will not go to therapy anyway speaks volumes as well and abusive men anyway rarely if ever do well in such sessions. He would need years of therapy in any case.

You are not safe to do any form of mediation with him; its never recommended anyway when there is abuse within the relationship. You would cooperate with the process whilst he would absolutely not.

If you are in the UK I would urge you to contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and or your local domestic violence organisation. They can help you plan you escape from this person.

You are probably codependent in relationships and are perhaps confusing love here with this. His needs are however not more important than yours.

There is help out there for you, you just have to take that first step out yourself.

Your relationship is doomed, I know this from experience.
Get yourself sorted to suit you and get safe from now on.
Your timescale is what matters, don't hand around waiting for the inevitable.

Having worked in refuges for years, I can say that the trajectory is upwards. You cannot go back and undo the spent years, but you can start afresh.

Your husband is abusive and he doesn't need to admit it for it to be true.

I'd start an escape plan behind his back and, when free, start a massive self help project using books and a journal, and work it all out.

Just because you come from abuse doesn't mean it needs to carry on. Dint look to others to change, you do it xxx you'll be fine, it will be exciting and life will get better I promise x

42 is not late in life!!! Things could get so much better for you. Get out. Next time he says he wants you out of his life, grab the opportunity, even better, go now.

You have a massive CHUNK of life still to live in a happier environment.
You are more than capable of doing this.
Decide how, when and where and when all your ducks are in a line...and the time is right, try not to allow yourself to make excuses not to take the plunge.
Because you can do it, you are worth it, you know you want to do it and it will be the right thing to do.

Good luck.

Have a look at www.littleshaman.org for some really helpful, quality info about abusive behaviour and it's effects. I hope you can find a way through the confusion you must be feeling. No matter how nice someone can be that never cancels out their nasty ways of abusing power and control. That's the true them. They're only nice to reel you in and keep you working to please them. The Freedom Program is great for helping to see how the nice/nasty combination is all part of he cycle of abuse. They say that abusers aren't nasty all the time as no one would fall for them if they were. FWIW I doubt you can see which way is up having been in an abusive relationship for so long - little steps can turn into big things. Look after yourself. You can be strong x

Ps should have said I've been there and still have the emotional scars but I am better as a result. Stronger and so much more aware. I am a few years past it now and life is good if not quite as I had hoped hope that helps x

Thanks everyone.

H is not a typical abuser. To be objective, he does a lot in other ways.
He himself have a dysfunctional family and was abused.
We both come from Indian backgrounds- where a lot asked from women. He comes from more traditional background.

I have now learnt through therapy that many of punishments from my family in childhood, and shaming and criticism later was abusive.
My aunt says if he admits to those mistakes (he didn't apologise), that should be enough. To be honest, I don't think she cares to the extent to worry about long term impact on me, she herself had/have difficult life. She was also very critical and insensitive growing up, now has changed.

I worry about future as when I will be older I will have no kids, I have no niece, nephews, my sibling is arrogant and dismissive.

Atillathemeerkat It's meditation not mediation he wants to do. I know it's easier to advice a friend. I really feel not having kids and supportive family makes me worry about being alone in future.

I am not co-dependant. When not abusive, h has shown me love which my family could not. So I find it hard to leave. I am in UK. I have no physical threat. I grew up with people around me, I am not someone who can live happily alone.