Finally decided to move out - need reassurance and tips for the kids

[OMGMyLifeIsCrazy]

I have posted on here in the past about my horrible home situation with a morbid jealous husband. It's been going on for 2 years and I am an emotional wreck. We've had doctors, psychologists, marriage counsellors and psychiatrists involved but we have not been able to resolve our problems so for both our sanity's sake, I am moving out. I'm so devastated and sad but because of how toxic the relationship has become, my health has been suffering (and so has his) so it's time to go. Now that the decision is made, it's going to take about a month to get the move all sorted and I am really worried that I will get talked out of it. 18 years is a long time together and he has a special talent for talking me out of leaving. We are still working with the counsellors as he needs help but he is in complete denial that he has a problem as he has a fixed belief that I am doing all sorts of nasties with an imagined 6"8' well endowed man. Recently I even uploaded a porn video of myself to pornhub and even though the faceless woman looks nothing like me, his delusions tell him it is me.

Ok, back story done, I need reassurance that I really can't fix him. At the moment we are organising through our dr for us both to get assessed. Him for morbid jealousy and me for bi-polar or pathological liar - I don't have anything wrong with me but he's only agreed to do the assessment if I do the same because he believes I'm cheating and can't fathom the idea that it's all in his imagination. For the kids sake, I am happy to do this. The assessment will take months/maybe years and we'll both be destroyed emotionally if I stay. If anyone has ever been in this horrid situation, I'd love some reassurance about the leave.

Now, the kids. 12 (girl) and 14 (boy). Hubby isn't violent - never has been and he lives for them. He suggested we don't tell them the nature of the break up because it will be my word against his word. I think they are old enough and because I'm the one leaving the family home, I think I should tell them what's actually going on. They love their dad and I'm sure they would be ok. I'm moving close by and even though he would definitely never hurt them (counsellors and drs have assured me that they agree on this) I think they should stay one week with me, one week with their dad but on any day of the week, because we'll both be close, they can come over to either house.

Does anyone have any insight as to whether my idea will be ok for the kids or any suggestions on how else we could fairly do it. I don't want to give them a choice initially because I think we need to take the reins here and also (selfish thought), I'm terrified that they will choose the family home they know and love over the unknown. I have also had to travel for work in the past so they had a couple of years where they were used to only seeing me on the weekends. This was not something I wanted to do but our home town has no work for me and hubby couldn't/wouldn't work for a few years.

Please don’t tell them the facts you’ve posted here, that would mentally scar them. Just tell them you are going to live separately and you are both there for them. And that they can visit each parent when they want to, that is enough for them to cope with

I’m really sorry to say this (and I think you’re being absolutely right in leaving) but I can’t see two teenagers (or nearly teenagers) doing a week here/a week there if the family home and all their stuff is in one place and the door us always open at the new place. In the nicest possible way, why would they at a time when they’re starting to evolve an identity outside of the nuclear family as with mounting pressures of schoolwork etc.

Thanks for your honest comments. I really have no idea how to do this for the kids. These are my babies (even though teen now). It is not an option for me to stay in this house but I also don't want them to stay with their dad majority of the time. He is a good dad but he doesn't instill the ideals that the kids need in today's world. Eg He pats them on the back for doing the minimum at school to get Cs instead of encouraging them to do better and he hasn't worked by choice for 3 years letting me pick up his slack. When he and I are together, the kids get balance. Without me, I'm worried for how they will turn out with him having the majority influence. Maybe I'm being a selfish twat but I have worked so hard for our family at my own sacrifice and I can't just walk away from them - especially when he has a mental health problem.

Given the ages of your DCs I'd be surprised if they weren't already aware that something's not right. Is it an option for the kids to go with you full time, with visits to DH?

That would be the ideal situation blubblubblub but unfortunately, at this stage, he doesn't believe he is the one with the problem. He wants to either let the kids decide or have the kids with our current home as their base. That's why I though the half half may work. I can talk with the counsellors about this but they are completely impartial (nature of the job, I suppose). I think they are quietly with me on the whole thing as they keep giving me domestic violence booklets as the whole problem has caused a lot of emotional abuse towards me. Having said that, because he doesn't think he's got a problem, he believes I'm emotionally abusing him because I keep putting the 'blame' back on him. I don't see it that way. I tell him the truth as it is happening because I know the factual truth - while he believes that the truth is what he suspects. I can't prove a negative and he can't prove something that isn't happening. Two years on, you can probably see how frustrating that conversation is!

No, please don't tell those kids what the accusations from both sides are (not accusations from your side, obviously, as he's actually doing it). They don't need to know. My mum and dad played that game for years, and then my delightful step mother took up the "your father said this, your mother that" mantel, and it mentally did me in as a child. I wish with all my heart they could've just left it at mum and dad love you guys so so much but someone people just aren't very good at living together. That kind of thing. They probably already know anyway what he's accusing you of.
Two years on, you can probably see how frustrating this conversation is. It's not a "conversation". You can't have a conversation with delusion.

With the who stays where thing - well, we can't tell you if that one week on off thing will be ok. Only time will tell how that will work for you all. But just be aware, he'll probably start to emotionally manipulate them about you when you're not around. That much vitriol and utter sense of he "knows" what you're like and what you're doing - I'd be seriously, seriously concerned and worried about leaving my children with someone like that.

Hi, I am in a similar situation re leaving H.

I have a long running thread "confronting sulking DH".

I am moving out soon, and our DC are the same age and will do 50/50 with occasional nights here and there if they want to or if one of us is away for work.

If you read the end of my thread you will see how things are going here.

I told the DC that daddy and I couldn't manage to get living in the same house and so we are going to live separately.

For the moment they have accepted that but are very sad.

On advice we are thinking of doing Friday to Friday which means you start with a weekend and avoid the dreaded Sunday night feeling .

Absolutely don't give them the details of the reasons for the separation.
I am a firm believer that children are better having one home /base and visiting the other parent. You know them ,and must have an idea of their wishes. From what you say about their father I would be concerned that he may then spin a warped story to them to suit his needs.
I'm sure at their age they are well aware of issues between you, so just explain that you can no longer live together. I'm sure most children would make a choice based on the parent rather than the house.

Hmm, one home base seems to be the norm in the UK but where I live (France) 50/50 is totally the norm.

I'm hoping the psychiatric assessment that starts next week will make him see the light. Not that I'm hoping to reconcile though. Too much damage.

He sounds nuts and I'd be very wary of leaving the family home tbh. Surely if he hasn't been working and you were only seeing them at weekends a court would award him main residence and you would end up the part time parent and having to pay maintenance?! Can you look further into your options before making a final decision?

Are you still working away OP/ is your DH still a SAHD? He obviously doesn't seriously believe you're cheating or he'd have kicked you out ages ago.