So fucked off.. why is it never reciprocated??

[Youwantshoesinashoeshop]

As per title. Am so sad.
Just come out of a long, deeply unsatisfying relationship.
Met someone new in a traditional non-tinder way. Lots in common. Interesting, unusual man. Told him tonight I was keen, we had a snog a bit back. . .... silence.

Only one relationship I've had in my life that I felt really wanted in ( not my long child-bearing one ....)

Aside from that, I've liked lots of men and .... nothing. Always get the "it's not you but...."....
I'm not hideous. I'm intelligent, averagely attractive, funnyish, great job, and have lots of hobbies and friends.
It really hurts and I just want someone to want me like I want them.
I feel raw and pathetic.

I'm sorry your old relationship left you feeling lonely. Few things are more horrible than being dismissed by the person you share your life with. Glad you're out of it, but of course the hurt remains.

It sounds as if you might be anxiously seeking the relationship you thought you should have had with the ex? Very understandable if so, but it will feel difficult to the men that you date. It's pretty easy to have a clear idea in your head of the ideal relationship, then try to make potential partners fit your model, iyswim.

I'm just guessing. It could equally be that each of your dates so far has his own stuff going on and it really isn't you! Maybe they have ideas in their minds, that no 3-dimensional human woman could match. Maybe they just don't want a full-on relationship. Lots of people don't. I don't.

... Aaand there's the thing. Any advice column, from 150 years ago to next week, would tell you that 'searching' is a flashing sign that attracts users & weirdos while warning sane, balanced adults to keep a safe distance. Self-sufficiency is paradoxically attractive while vastly reducing that "sad, pathetic" longing for someone to validate you. So I'm afraid the answer's always going to look something like: validate yourself first :) See a counsellor if it'll help, look up self-affirmation techniques online (and do them!), get yourself some new friends, take yourself away for weekends. All that.

Some things are clichés because they're true!

I can only speak for myself as an individual and as a woman but I always found potential partners that were super keen quite suffocating. It doesn’t mean I wanted someone nasty or very distant. But I agree with the self sufficiency mentioned above, that describes me well and though it sounds awful I think being grateful and trying to please too much is a big turn off for many.

Thank you both for your posts. I think you are absolutely right. I've gone from being a buttoned up person to someone who is pretty straight up with my emotions these days, but I imagine this isn't what everyone's used to! This chap is a bit peculiar in many ways - veers between wearing heart on sleeve and drawing up the barriers. Probably a lucky escape, in the cold light of day.

But I don't half feel a plum. I feel kind of.... humiliated.

It's more the sexual side of things I was on about rather than relationships. I'm actually not into having one of those at the moment but I was hoping that maybe in the fullness of time we could have a little bit of .. erm, fun!

My experience has been that people I want to shag, don't want to shag me. Which is not that great for one's ego! With a couple of notable exceptions. It must be great to have the allure ;)

Oh lovely you sound just like me!!
You aren't alone at all in feeling how you do.
I am also out of an awful relationship in the last year and have only met one person who I have an interest in (who I knew as a friend a long time ago).
I am very similar to you but definitely average looking and would consider myself weird
I can never tell when people like me / fancy me - if they do at all, in fact! So a lot of it passes me by.
It's definitely to do with my low self esteem and coming out of a terrible relationship - if anyone is interested in me (rare) then I do kind of think either a) they are pretending or its a joke or b) what the f is wrong with them if they are interested in me?

I also do really admire the people who have magnetism, wish I had some!

@Backoutthere, thank you, it is really good to know I'm not alone but I'm sorry you've had similar experiences!

This guy was definitely giving me the eye a while back, and wasn't averse to a bit of flirting and got quite touchy-feely on a night out, so I was pretty confident it wasn't one way traffic. I think I've freaked him right out though.

You've hit the nail on the head - I too don't meet many people I am actually, physically attracted to. I could probably count the number on, well, two hands, during my whole life.

Rejection is fucking hard! The older you get, the more baggage everyone has and its just so bluddy complicated.. Hence the name.

I say good on you for being straight. You are at least finding out and can move on. I'm hanging in there in a new relationship that I'm not sure is a relationship and haven't done the deed yet in 5 months or so... So it's not just you! (this is after being single for years and no sex for god knows how long).

You are no way pathetic. You're being honest. I understand the hurt though. I feel the same but it's a low self esteem thing.

@AlllSoComplicated..... baggage, oh yes, both me and him have serious baggage alright. Him more so actually. A very strange upbringing.

Go on, I dare you to jump your maybe person and see what happens ;) I'm rooting for you, no pun intended.

I've done a lot of being brave this last year. Now I think it's about bloody time it started to bear fruit. Lady luck, please smile down on all those on this thread

OP you said you've liked lots of men in one post and barely any in another, which is it? Also there are probably lots of people who want to shag you that you wouldn't touch with someone else's so it's not that mysterious , the stars just haven't aligned for you yet. If mutual attraction was commonplace, we'd all have married at 16 and never split up.

True... there was a contradiction. I'd.say I've seriously had the hots for about 10 blokes. That's not than many I dont think. 2 of these have willingly shagged me and the sex was great;) And my other relationships have not necessarily been based on initial physical attraction but he sex has been loving if not wildly ... wild :)

So, I saw him after my big disclosure. It wasn't good.

He asked me whether what I'd said was true. I just gave him the look that said ... yep, sorry. Followed by ..."please dont say anything"... it was not dignified. He looked like was about to cry.... this was not the effect I was going for [hmmm].
Still I'm glad I was straight up actually. What is the point in doing a stupid dance? Life is too short.

Damn, though: I really liked him.

I don’t mean to minimise how you feel, as I really do empathise, but come back when you’ve been single (and looking) for two years without ever reaching even a third date... I have no problem finding men who want to shag me but nobody wants anything more and I’m practically suicidal from loneliness.

Surely part of it is just a numbers thing then? If you've only liked that many men you have a reduced chance of meeting someone compatible. That's not meant as a criticism at all btw or that you should lower your standards, just the unfortunate reality.

Yes, I really think you are right @whatsthecomingoverthehill ..the things though, you cant force yourself to fancy people. I like very quirky and slightly odd men... there arent that many around. Maybe everyone feels that way, though.

I wouldn't care if I were single for a good long time. I like my own company. What I really want is some connected, passionate sex. It's been literally, a decade!

@SonataDentata I'm sorry for your experience. That sounds tough.

I guess it just feels that there are so many people I actually really rate, that the stakes are very high when I meet someone I click with. I wish I met more.folks who I just clicked with. I've never been one to exude (or seek out!) Mass appeal. So I guess the odds of meeting a keeper are lower than for someone who can get on like a house on fire with 8 people out of 10!.

SO FEW... not so many!

I wonder why he asked you about it a week later. Also, it seems strange that he is tearful.

This is an interesting thread.

I am also one of those, those I have liked, haven't liked me and the ones who I don't like love me.

My perception is to do with the chase. If you're potentially attainable and potentially not he is intrigued. Men have different needs to us and I think the ability to tune into that makes someone more likely to be successful.

I have been on many many many many dates. Nearly all 1st dates. Sometimes I wasn't liked, and I never knew why. Sometimes they were sweet or lovely or would make a great bf...but for someone else. Think of all the potential great men you've met but just wasn't for you.

Others may disagree, but youtube Matthew Hussey. He makes a lot of sense. Maybe use this to help with some early stage dating and see where it gets you

I am now in a happy relationship, with someone who isn't my type looks wise though has some attributes I like. The men I find aesthetically pleasing don't look twice at me. I also have a very low sex drive which made dating so hard as I felt objectified often. I chose companionship with someone who has similar values, morales, beliefs, dreams and enjoyments to me. It's everyones choice to make.

@ConfCall I'm confident he's not into me. The crying bit, was weird, I'll give you that. I think he might have been scared. He has intimacy issues for a good reason, which is a whole other thread. Anyway, he made himself very clear so there we go. One to chalk up to experience!

And @PWestgate thanks. I'll google that chap. I need schooling, that's for sure!