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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Work relationship

1 reply

Ejkipb · 07/05/2019 20:37

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a year and a half now and our relationship in general is great! We love each others company and we have so much fun together.. however....
We met at work, when I started working as a receptionist at a local car sales showroom. Other than one other sales person, I am the only woman working there, the rest are all men. Which is fine as I get along great with them all, some more than others and some I don't really like but I get along with them for works sake anyway. Here's my issue.. before me and my boyfriend got together, I was always included in things the lads at work were planning etc. The Christmas doo I was invited to by one of the salesmen who is good friends with my now boyfriend, I said no as I couldn't make it but it was nice to be invited.. however the next one (where I was with my boyfriend) no-one invited me .. which I get as they wouldn't want to step on his toes and it's ultimately down to him to do it as we are a couple and they may not think he wants his girlfriend there he may want a lads night. I was fine with that. Didn't like it as I felt I was excluded from a work event purely because I now identify as his girlfriend and not an equal colleague .. but I let it go. However ! Now they are planning something else, just a meal and a few drinks for everyone and once again I am not invited, I made a comment to my boyfriend about it and only then did he invite me, granted he also added that it would be awkward because none of their girlfriends are going. So I said I won't go. It sucks, a lot! Another guy at work said he didn't ask me if I was going as it's "his job to ask you isn't it" on about my boyfriend.. they don't want to be stepping on anyone's toes and given that he hasn't even suggested asking me to go then they all assumed he doesn't want his girlfriend there. When I told him what our colleague said he just got very irate and said that our colleague is just "trying to make him look like a d*" in my opinion my colleague is right and the fact that he hasn't even brought up to the other guys whether it would be okay for me to go makes me feel really crappy. I am a colleague as much as he is but because I am also his girlfriend that means that I am excluded from work events? It is really getting to me and I feel like I need to call him on it but I don't want him to get all defensive like he did when I mentioned the conversation I had with our colleague .. am I just being silly??

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 07/05/2019 22:07

Personally I'd call them all on it, point out that you're a member of the team too so you're coming on the team do. Don't give them a choice. Maybe miss this one, but next time they're talking join in "oh when are we going out?" "Where are we going?" In waiting for your boyfriend to ask you it seems you are enabling them to perceive you more as his girlfriend than their colleague. If that makes sense? Presuming if you went out you'd spend the night engaging with them all and not just hanging off your boyfriend's arm. I don't mean that funny, I just mean if you would go along and act like a plus one rather than an equal colleague it might seem a bit odd. My DH and I worked in the same industry when we got together and used to go on do's together. We would mingle separately but come back together at points in the night. It's very different now we don't work together, if I go to a work do it is very much as a plus one, so I largely avoid them and let him have his night out.

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