Together or not

[Stephejkb]

Hi

I have been with my partner for almost two years and due to many circumstantial issues, we separated last week. However we still love one another, still living together (with my daughter). After spending a week sleeping apart, I am now back in our bed ( we haven’t had sex since a few weeks before the “split” although we are kissing and cuddling before saying goodnight etc)

Last week, my partner was adamant that even though we love each other so much, she ( we are both female) did not want to work on things as she couldn’t ever see the issues being resolved. There was a lot of talking, a lot of upset and a lot of indecisiveness. However, she went away at the weekend where we didn’t speak about the “separation” and her mother has said she talked about me and my daughter as normal as if nothing had ever happened.

We are back talking about the future etc and we have discussed changes that need to take place in our relationship.

So tonight, I ask her to join me on a small walk (my daughter is with her dad for the her overnight stay) and I take her to the first place I ever held her hand in public, tell her I want a future together etc. We are holding hands just being normal etc and then she says “we are still not really back together, I’m not telling anyone we are together as things can still go either way. I need to see changes first etc etc”. On the next hand, she’s talking about when we get married and how she doesn’t want to wait longer than five years bla bla bla.

I am really confused. I know we have had a rocky time. Is she making a point that things need to change? It certainly seems that way to me.

wow, did you split up because she wanted to get married and you didn't?
the way you write 'blah blah blah' sounds very dismissive of what she wants and it's not even clear reading your post what HER side of the break up is! You don't even put that forward as a foot note?

You also mention going to the first place you (publicly) held her hand. Was she always more open about your relationship and you were keener to keep it under the radar? And she got frustrated with that?

No, not at all. I have been very public about the relationship from day one. This was just the first place we ever held hands on a walk,if that makes sense. And no, we have both said we wanted to get married and I was even planning on proposing soon, which she kind of knows about too.

I don’t think the reasons for splitting are important to divulge here, I’m just condused as to the relationship. We live together, we are talking about the future, kissing and telling each other we love each other, faithful to one another, yet she still doesn’t want to say that we are “back together”, more like we are working towards getting back together.

Impossible to really understand whats going on here without knowing what the circumstantial reasons are/were.

Seems sensible to keep things low key and not public if things are still rocky. People will be more supportive long term if they dont see the relationship as on again off again.

I need to see changes first

What changes does she need to see?

Ok, the reasons are mainly to do with me not being assertive enough with my ex husband when it comes to changing my daughters access days. My partner wants us to settle more as a family, and we have been negotiating for a year with my ex husband to try and put a better routine into place for my daughter so that we get more quality time with her at weekends and so does he.

I am now at the mediation stage. The constant stress of having my ex husband involved in our lives (recently been divorced too) has taken its toll on our otherwise amazing relationship which had led to a few nasty arguments