Assaulted by my 17 year old, and his dad is victim blaming...

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

My 17 year old pushed me backwards this afternoon because he didn't like the concequences of his actions (ps4 removal for swearing and shouting at me, my partner and with his little brothers in the house).

His dad was informed by me. We have text back and forth for several hours where he basically victim blamed. It's all my fault blah blah blah.

His dad assaulted me when I left him. He hit me, trashed the house and held a knife to me. He recieved a police caution. This was 10 years ago. He has never repeated the behaviour, or had done anything like it in the 9 years prior of our relationship.

It took about 2 years for things to feel completely amicable. He has always seen DS regulalry, but it has only been for 1 overnight once a week at most, but often every other week instead. He has had DS twice for 5 days for a holiday. That's it. He really hasn't been involved in day to day parenting. His choice. Not mine. I'd have prefered that he saw him 2/3 days a week and wanted to be involved in parenting decisions.

So cut back to today, and suddenly DS's behaviour is all my fault. He isn't like this with him. Yeah, because he isn't with you 95% of the time, bellend. His college have had the same attitude problems. It most definitely isn't behaviour restricted to me.

I don't really know why I am posting this. But I do not want my son growing up with this attitude. I have worked hard to make sure he treats people with kindness and respect. I have taught him my feminist values. To no avail it seems.

Can anyone offer any kind advice?

Was there a reason you needed to text back and forth?
Is your son threatening to move in with his father or did he complain to his father about your punishment?

I would not be bothered by your exs opinion. You need a conversation with your son to find out what he thinks about his actions

Hey.

Honestly i think you should lower your expectations of his father! Hes clearly not going to back you up or support you and certainly isn't going to explain to your son that his behaviour was utterly disgusting.
My ex husband blames me for everything and i mean everything, what i have learnt is basically not to share things with him as it empowers him and alternately doesn't make the situation any better,
Its frustrating and sad that he isn't backing you up, but you know his behaviour was wrong, your get my joy speaking to his college.
Personally i would be glad he didnt go to his fathers more often as his behaviour sounds bloody horrendous and then he wonders why his son behaves the same way.

We usually communicate by text so there are no misunderstandings. It was a back and forth conversation.
DS just walked out. Threw his key down. Threatened to smash my car on his way past. He was at his dads anyway tonight. His dad would never let him live with him and has said that to DS and me. DS knows it's here, or fend for yourself in the world.

To be fair to his dad, despite his lack of day to day parenting, up until this year he has backed me up 100%. Any issue he has played a united front on.
This last year he has disagreed on DS's future. He encouraged DS to join the RAF. DS is not RAF material - not yet at least. I encouraged him to stay at college and finish his engineering course, or find another course if he didn't enjoy engineering. His dad wants him to join the RAF because it was his dads dream. He had DS at 19, and feels it ruined his life. DS's reasons for joining were to "get out this town" and "dad says it's best for me".

The RAF issue is a side issue - but, to be honest, I think you should support your son in investigating joining. Unless you are part of a current RAF recruiting team or a training officer, I don't think you can really determine whether your DS is RAF material or not. I've got to be honest and say that you don't sound particularly supportive and a bit dogmatic. The reason I bring this up is because your DS' behaviour is completely unacceptable. But you will need to speak to him about that and try and discuss how you can repair your relationship - if he feels dismissed and not listened to, then that is going to be harder

In an ideal world, his father would support you in this but it doesn't look like he is going to. As he has been previously supportive, it might be worth setting the texting aside and speaking to his dad face to face to see if you can agree a way forward and if he has any insight into your DS' behaviour

I think maybe you should investigate the RAF with him - there are a lot worse things for him to be doing and he wouldn't be the first difficult teen to go into the services. It could make a real difference to him.

They offer engineering apprenticeships in the RAF so he could continue his studies that way. The physical test is quite tough though from what I've heard.

Personally I would support him by talking with him to the raf about his options and what he would need to do to join. Show him that you support him.

In regards to the other stuff, totally unacceptable, can you have a chat when he has calmed down? His dad just sounds like a bellend!

The only person who wants DS to join the RAF is his dad. DS hasn't the first clue. He didn't even know about basic training. Or thr fact his BMI is currently too low (17.5). He literally listened to his dad and said it seemed like a good idea to "get out this town".

Are you telling me you'd be happy with your child making that kind of decision with no actual knowledge? He was half way through his engineering course when it was brought up. I have encouraged him to finish his course first. He finishes in June.

My mum, step dad (ex forces), dad, step mum, my partner, and my nan are all of the same opinion. Knowing my DS as I do (and all the above people who know my DS better than his own father as they see him more!) now isn't the right time for that kind of commitment.

That's really a side issue. I only mentioned it in defence of his father who had previously shown a united front on these issues. That was the only thing we haven't agreed on.

If my child was violent towards me and thinking of the RAF, I would encourage him - it takes him away from home and gives him some discipline.

I'm not sure really why you're confiding in your abuser that his child is now abusing you - of course he will say it's your fault, just as he thinks it's your fault that he abused you, too.

No. I wouldn't be happy with him making a decision without investigating the RAF - hence why I specifically said you should support him in investigating it.

So, OP what are you thinking of doing, re ds, immediately?

If the choices are that your DS lives with you or is out on his own as exH won't have him living therre, I'd be inclined to issue him with an ultimatum. He apologises and adjusts his behaviour and attitude if he wants to live in your home or he ships out. There is no way I'd put up with being pushed around by my DC.

This must be so very difficult for you and the rest of your family! Virtual hugs to you OP! I encourage you to visit a thread here titled : Is parenting a teenager adversely affecting your mental health?
I have a son aged 18 not neurotypical who became violent 4 years ago in the midst of a mental health crisis fueled by puberty hormones. Now he is better but it was very hellish and took months of inpatient treatment. My DH and I have aged so much and we don't have other children in our house. Best of luck