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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separated boyfriend still attached to wife

25 replies

Kazzz65 · 07/05/2019 17:58

I've been in a relationship for 1 and 1/2 years with a man who's been separated nearly 2 years, he has adult children and grandchildren. The issue is that he sees his wife with his family and even goes out with her and his children, does the repairs around the house and is far to pally. There's no talk of divorce and I feel he is maintaining this attachment even though he says he loves me and I'm more important to him. I'd like to know what people think as I feel he should be disentangling from her and keeping his association to a minimum.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2019 18:01

Why did they break up and is she also seeing someone?

I wouldn’t be happy they’re not getting divorced. Have you asked him why? You’re dating someone else’s husband.

bamboofibre · 07/05/2019 18:05

Wow, he didn't waste any time jumping into another relationship, did he? That should have been your first clue. Of course he's still entangled with her, they have kids and grandkids together, so that means quite a long history, you can guarantee he won't move to divorce her because it will cost him a mint and his kids and grandkids will probably be furious because they see you as Joannie Come Lately (or perhaps you are OW).

You're his side chick. If that suits you, fine, it's your life, but right now he's having his cake and eating it, too, why would he change?

NameChangeNugget · 07/05/2019 18:08

Sorry but, he doesn’t sound that into you if he can do that to you

Chocolate50 · 07/05/2019 18:10

Were they friends before they got together?
Are you sure they have separated properly? Has she moved on with another relationship? Does she know about you?

I would consider all of these questions prior to making a judgement- he may just want to spend time with her & his children but if he's keeping you quiet & holding out to see if she'll have him back at some point..... that's what I would worry about.

I would suggest that you go with him to mert his ex &/or his children? His reaction will tell you everything you need to know...

IhavetoD0something · 07/05/2019 18:15

I went out with a man like this. I also recommend suggesting that you meet his xw (even briefly, handover style, or in some capacity that would be natural but that you would be acknowledged). Or if that seems to out of the question maybe he could introduce you to his parent(s) or a long time friend...

What did he do on mothers day as a matter of interest?. If he raced over to her house for mothers day to do stuff with the kids for her, then eugh, just bail.............

Original poster

Kazzz65 · 07/05/2019 18:16

They agreed to mutually split as the marriage was over. She knows about me and I met his son, who wasn't very happy about me. I accept there has to be some contact but what are peoples thoughts on how much is too much? I've just found out his son bought him tickets to a concert for his birthday and his wife is going with them too...

OP posts:

IhavetoD0something · 07/05/2019 18:17

sorry i see the DC are adults!

NoBaggyPants · 07/05/2019 18:19

It's great that people can separate and still be friends. Sets a great example to their children too. What's your problem with that?

Original poster

Kazzz65 · 07/05/2019 18:23

I think it's good to be civil or friendly with your ex but I stop short of actually going out with mine and acting as I did when I was married. Surely separating people need to be unattaching in that way not maintaining a bond like that?

OP posts:

ScreamingLadySutch · 07/05/2019 18:26

Run.

You are being used, and you are being triangulated.

AnneLovesGilbert "You’re dating someone else’s husband." is telling it like it is.

BunnyColvin · 07/05/2019 18:54

You are being used, and you are being triangulated.

This. You're essentially his booty call.

bamboofibre · 08/05/2019 08:12

but what are peoples thoughts on how much is too much?

What's it matter? He is doing things his way and this is his idea of keeping it amicable. He rebounded with you and it shows. You can't change him or tell him 'People on MN say you're associating too much with your wife (because she is) and adult kids, so you have to stop,' because he won't.

This is who he is. You're his side chick. You decide if this works for you or not but he won't change.

TheStuffedPenguin · 08/05/2019 08:20

He doesn't know what he wants yet . You may well be collateral damage.

Langrish · 08/05/2019 08:24

It is quite possible that people who’ve been together for a very long time, raised children together, have interests, friends and family in common and fundamentally still like and respect each other just don’t want to be in a romantic relationship any more. There’s no reason they can’t be the best of friends.
It’s rare but it is possible.

Smallereveryday · 08/05/2019 08:27

I will come at this from a different angle. I think the adult children have a very big part to play here - and the reaction when you met his son...
Your DP May very well WANT to lower the contact but be in a situation where the kids emotionally blackmail him into playing happy families and exclude you.
I had S neighbour in exact this situation. Only not divorced but widowed. The adult children could not accept dad moving on and told him they would not invite him to family/grandchildren events if 'that woman comes' ..

On the ONE occasion the daughter accepted an invitation to come and meet my neighbour and dad at neighbours home - wait for it .... daughter bought her mothers ashes with her and plonked them on the coffee table, explains that there was only one woman in her dads life and she couldn't be replaced . (Short meeting!)
Dad wouldn't 'upset' daughter and didn't want to risk losing contact with dgc.. so sadly he gave in to her.

Smallereveryday · 08/05/2019 08:37

I forgot to say that the fact that his son has bought tickets to an event and invited his mother as well - looks a lot like a child who cannot accept that dad has moved on and is ensuring he is pushing the parents together whenever the opportunity arises.

There are only two solutions here. He either mans up and makes sure his family know you are a solid part of his life. No more keeping you in the corner whilst he carries on family life.. if it REALLY that amicable - then you can accompany him as his partner- and if they can't accept that then he doesn't go.

If he doesn't want that - then time to walk.

Tensixtysix · 08/05/2019 08:39

Stop wasting your time with him. Get your own man!

booboo24 · 08/05/2019 08:44

I'm a bit in both camps here, I can see your point op, however my ex and I get on really well, he comes to my daughters birthday meals with my parents, sister and her family and my fiance! I've invited his girlfriend too but she choses not to come. We were together since we were children and broke up 22 years later in our mid 30's. He left me but really we'd grown apart, but we managed to keep it friendly and civil, he's genuinely a friend now. My fiance and him will happily stand chatting over a drink for an hour so, and I'd hope that both my children are grateful to see that we can be friendly. My children are 11 and 17, they know the score. I suppose the difference is I've invited the girlfriend along to things and it's her choice not to come (if hes even told her- that thought has crossed my mind more than once). Anyway I just wanted to give you a genuine insight into how it can work and be totally innocent

Lemonsquinky · 08/05/2019 08:48

How do you know she knows about you? Have you actually told his wife that you are having sex with him and been a couple for over a year? She might think you're a friend or a passing fling. He's having his cake and eating it.

ShinyShoe · 08/05/2019 08:51

You’re rebound. Why on earth did you bother getting with a guy who had only been on his own for such a short period of time! You’re being used as a crutch. Not nice and he’s going to dump you one day

SandyY2K · 08/05/2019 09:31

He's still very entangled and you're like a third wheel in their family set up. It's like his DC want you to disappear...the concert ticket says it all.

Not many women would put up with this.
Why are you still in the relationship?

Time to move on.

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 09:35

I think that breakups where people don't fall out and hate each other are actually really healthy. Especially where both parties are parents. It IS possible for the right kind of people to stop being in love, and yet remain friends. I had a very similar situation with my DH and his exP - who became one of my best friends and a lovely person.

I do understand what you're saying about repairs around the house, and perhaps there is a need for further boundaries here. But I don't think it would be fair or reasonable to set an expectation that the pair of them never help one another or see each other.

pissedonatrain · 08/05/2019 09:42

I think you're the third wheel.

His words may say he cares for your but his actions say different.

I'd move on.

Original poster

Kazzz65 · 08/05/2019 14:33

Thanks for all the frank comments and advice. I'm going to look out for someone truly single who's not in such a complicated situation xxx

OP posts:

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/05/2019 14:53

You can be amicable with an ex without being reliant on them still. House repairs, family days out without you being invited along etc is overstepping that boundary because unlike a regular friendship you do need some emotional separation there in order to move on. I personally don't call on my friends to do my house repairs (or I'd expect to pay them if they worked in that trade).

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