love my mother in law but so annoyed!!

[Mumoftwox]

so I will start by saying I do really love my mil and have been with her son for 8 years, we have a good relationship. however, when my kids go to stay for the past year she never ever brushes their teeth it has got to the point my 4 year old daughter always says everytime she goes in the door gran u need to brush my teeth. I have bought them toothbrushes for when they are down there and toothpaste and still she never does it. They stayed yesterday and when I went down today on way home my son said all he had to eat all day was chocolate buttons and crisps, first thing hes got when hes got up was chocolate buttons!. this was at 4 o'clock!! I'm so annoyed. I know they eat chocolate more than usual when they are there, my daughter was also sick during the night never sick when home because of the chocolate she has ate and hasnt even had her teeth brushed inbetween! what should I do?

Teach your kids to brush their own teeth? Get them electric or battery toothbrushes so that it's fun, and impress on them how important it is.

Ask her to brush their teeth when they are at hers.

But pick your battles. The best thing about staying with grandparents is having those treats you are not usually allowed at home.

If it's just every so often I'd let it slide.

A four year old should be able to brush their own teeth.

Is she definitely giving them these things? My DS used to go to mil's and tell her he was allowed chocolate spread for dinner. He would also go there and tell her he'd had no breakfast. Just a thought. Although I do know my mil gives my DC far too many treats and tries to play the popularity card to get one over on me.

yes obvcourse they can brush their own teeth, but she is not enforcing it and when I went down other day one of their toothbrushes was on the table and she said to my daughter aww i had to use that because grans toothbrush was broke so now u cant use it. So now i know there will only be one. This isn't a rare occasion they are always eating rubbish when staying which I am usually fine with as it's a treat at grans house but I dont think it's right when it's the middle of the day and hes not had breakfast or any lunch and just had crisps and chocolate

I probably wouldn't let them stay over to be honest

Professionally speaking, a 4 year old is incapable of brushing their teeth. They haven't developed the necessary manual dexterity and must have adult supervision/ intervention.
As a one off, it won't be an issue for their teeth but if your MIL has them once a week overnight for example, it is a problem.

I dont let my child stay at their grandparents without me

when my kids brush their teeth at home I let them do it while watching then I go over them, it's not just the teeth brushing its that thought that my son has just had chocolate and crisps all morning like why is it normal to make breakfast or lunch? my kids stay once every 2 weeks if even I just dont want them being allowed chocolate and crisps for breakfast then not getting anything else leaves me feeling uncomfortable

What does your dp do about it? Does he speak to his own mother about it?

I wouldn't let them stay in that case.

That's neglect 😐

that's the problem me and my partner have mentioned it loads of times so she is just ignoring us about brushing their teeth. My partner knows it's not right I told him to phone and ask why our San has had chocolate and crisps and no other food he said he will phone her later. I have been in this position over the years numerous times and when simple things like this are discussed (especially if it comes from me) my mil gets extremely defensive and we end up falling out.

Then why let them stay?

well before I've never known them to have chocolate and crisps in the morning and they only stay once every few weeks and have repeatedly said about the teeth brushing! she is a great gran in many other ways and loves our kids deeply hence the reason I wouldn't want to stop them staying

I wouldn't let them stay so often. Having treats is one thing but not giving other food is not good either or eating so much chocolate it makes them sick.

I can't trust my MIL to give my son his medication properly so they just don't stay over. It's a shame but can't risk him being ill.

This is the problem with free childcare basically. You have very little control over what goes on. I wouldn't be sending my kids to stay twice a month with someone who lets them eat shite all day long and doesn't insist on tooth brushing. That's basic care. If they were staying a couple of times a year, maybe I could let it slide but definitely not on a regular basis. It's not good for your kids and it is sending them awful messages about how important (or not) it is to take care of themselves with regards to healthy eating and personal hygiene. They are spending up to 10% of their time with your MIL (depending on what time you drop them off/pick them up) which is not an insignificant amount of time and does mean that the choices she makes will have an impact on their health.

I would insist on staying with them when they stay over. If there's nowhere for you to stay, say MIL can come and stay at your house instead.

If she asks why, say "I want to make sure their teeth are being brushed and that they're eating properly. I don't mind treats but they need proper meals too." And don't apologise! It's fine to be firm as you have already asked nicely multiple times.

I think the other issue is that your partner is not saying anything to her? That suggests he's either not seeing the issue (weird) or not willing to stand up to MIL and support you (relationship issue).

Send them with a packed lunch?