Who owns my mother's anxiety about me?

[Missproportionate]

So,
namechanged coz I'm a regular on a few boards and this is quite personal.

I'm struggling with my relationship with DM and I don't know who is being proportionate or not... And I don't know if its should be 'water off a ducks back', or if I have a 'right' to be as upset as I am, or indeed if I should toe the line (I feel quite robustly angry unable to meekly go and do as DM suggests).

Bear with me. Here's me: 45 years old, no health problems of any consequence - lucky me. I have healthy kids too, and a nice place to live too! - I know I'm lucky on that one too.

I also weight around 185lb and I'm a size 16. I didn't used to be a size 16 - but these things creep up on you ( and FWIW as a young adult I was effortlessly and painfully thin). I must eat too much as I'm overweight (Einstein here), but I eat healthy food for the most part, enjoy food, enjoy wine, enjoy vegetables, don't eat meat, don't smoke, have three fussy kids to cook for and a DP (he cooks too), don't binge, don't really snack, eat cake sometimes...I do my 10k steps but I could exercise more... I'm not a lunatic...

Anyway, my DM, who is getting on, has some health problems its hard to come to terms with, but is very lucid; has come out with some ... what I would call 'disproportionate' stuff to me. She is apparently 'really really worried' about me - as in, sleepless nights worried. I would say she is catastrophising, but she can't see that. She has said I am loading on weight, I eat too much, my family will get cancer because they eat 'too much' meat. She is also worried that I will get diabetes, and... consequently go blind and have to have my legs amputated. She has then suggested that she will go out and buy me some 'nice dessert plates she saw in John Lewis' so that I can eat less on a smaller plate. They very thought of meekly sitting at the table with my family with my special small plate saying 'oh NO, Mummy can't have the same as everyone else because I am FAT' make me actually burn with rage (disproportionate?)

FWIW the rest of the family is genuinely average weight, the kids are on the 50th centile and DP is fit and slim.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I may not be neurotypical (ASD) that has dawned on me recently, my mental health and anxiety isn't great (I'm on anti-Ds and they can mess with appetite and weight anyway), and my DCs aren't neurotypical either. Life can be challenging round here, and there is a lot going on (think major life-changes, jobs, homes - but thankfully a solid relationship with DP). It's not the first time she's focussed on one thing and extrapolated into infinity the worst case scenario (when there have been lots of other low level stressful things going on in my life)

I hadn't spoken to her for 10 days after this conversation as I was really upset. I've just spoken to her for an hour but she doesn't really understand. Maybe this is an AIBU - am I actually upset because she speaks the truth?

From what you say, your DM's anxiety is entirely hers to own. Her fears are irrational.

However anxiety IS irrational a lot of the time. I suffer from anxiety and some of the things I'm anxious about are plain silly. Recognising that doesn't get rid of the anxiety, sadly.

I think I'd take the line that you're sympathetic and concerned about her anxiety while being very clear that it's irrational. Suggest she sees her GP and asks for CBT. If she can afford it she might benefit from a private counsellor.

"Mum, you're getting yourself in a dreadful state over things that really aren't likely to happen. I'm not clinically obese, we're all well and happy. However your anxiety is very unhealthy and it's making you miserable. Please get some help for it."

Or something along those lines.

Gently - if you suspect you may be somewhere on the autism spectrum, do you think that your DM may be too? Focussing on, and catastrophising about, one thing can be signs of autism.

For what it's worth - my DS is diagnosed ASD, I reckon my DSis and I would probably have got a diagnosis if it had been on the radar when we were young, and I see autistic traits all over my mother and her side of the family.

Apparently size 16 is the average size for women in the UK. (That includes me). A little heavier than we'd like to be but overall healthy, and able to do everything anyone else can do. Has dm not got anything else to worry about? She's certainly got a serious problem if she's losing sleep over this. Maybe she needs to go and see her GP about her anxiety problem?

@Seeingadistance -
Yes Yes yes!
My uncle used to read the telephone directory backwards and memorise it as a child. My DM has all manner of sensory issues. Always has. I have different sensory stuff but I'm becoming more and more aware or them (I absolutely can't stand sitting at a desk or working with people behind me, I can't even lie in bed with DP behind me if he's facing me - I just thought I was weird). My DGF was clearly ASD from descriptions of him (obsessive, unsocial, very rigid views on politics and life, not many friends, an autodidact, a bit of a savant - he was a real shed in the end of the garden inventor.)

It is her anxiety to own, not yours. However, I found with my own presumed-autistic DM we'll never know now but FUCK she ticked a lot of boxes that a rational response to statements like that didn't help at all. She would just say "Oh well, I suppose you're right" and continue to think it privately. The best you can do is tell her that you are not unhealthy according to your GP and that you don't want to hear it anymore. She will doubtless give you the plaintive "I can't believe you're not letting me say these things, it's just because I CAAAARE" face for the next several years, but you should calmly ignore this.

My mum is like this on and off about lots of things. When we were younger it manifested itself in ways that made her appear very controlling - not wanting us to go out, or travel, or have boyfriends - I was aware even then it was irrational and that her thinking was often catastrophic (she’d immediately jump to the worst case scenario regardless if its likelihood). She was recently diagnosed in her 70s with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, something she’s probably had for most of her adult life. She’s on medication now and it has helped enormously. I just wish we’d known 35 years ago.

Ahhhrgh.
She’s now phoned DP and told him I’m ‘in denial’

Right, so she won't accept she has anxiety.

IIWM a good old fashioned F-off until DM can stop offloading onto you would be forthcoming.

Then you can get on with your busy life.

You're going to have to ignore her and, if she keeps boring on, tell her that you have neither the time or the inclination to indulge her obsessions. I wouldn't go so far as a fuck off, but I think I'd make it clear that if she wants to chat you'll withdraw if she doesn't give it a rest

Gently - if you suspect you may be somewhere on the autism spectrum, do you think that your DM may be too? Focussing on, and catastrophising about, one thing can be signs of autism.

This

Although I see you've already replied that you may agree.

If this is the case (and Im not trying to diagnose your mum, just give some possibilities) then as you get older with ASD , ie your mum, it can become harder to "adhere" to societys norms ie her having having no filter may worsen as she gets older in the same way that physically it can be harder to do things. (for example I could easily do cartwheels as a child with no physical consequences but if I tried to do it now as a middle aged woman i would likely injure myself badly and or suffer for days afterwards)

Women with ASD esp undiagnosed ASD have often spent their lives unknowingly "masking" their behaviour in order to fit in, its mentally exhausting and for some as they get older they cannot do it (ie the cartwheel analogy) so it seems like their ASD symptoms are getting worse, ie she now has no filter when she talks to you when previously she would have and her anxiety (which is often part of ASD) is also worsening. It can also be compounded by dementia.

If you think that she may have undiagnosed ASD then try not to take her comments personally ie there is a possibility that she that she has no filter/worsening coping social skills due to ASD, but equally you will have to set some boundaries, ie say to her you acknowledge that yes you are overweight but that it is hurtful for her to focus on it and can you both do something positive together instead and try and change her hyperfocus onto something else hopefully positive that she can obsess over.

Missproportionate I will bet that your weight gain crept up when you went on ADs.

I developed a ridiculous craving for carbs on those damn things, and in the side effects it mentions increased appetite.

I rue the day I took them! Off them now thank goodness.

Apparently Wellbutrin (Zyban) has the opposite effect.

Your mother owns her anxiety, not you.

Thanks all.

Making a lot of sense.
Still - the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree does it? - so it’s really not an easy thing to deal with your own brain as well as another similar one. So any tho ga she has done this with in the past now I think about it - but I can’t go over them with her - I will have to find another outlet for them

I’m in two minds about your dm. My grandma is elderly and has begun to ‘get a bee in her bonnet’ about particular thing and won’t let go. She was convinced kids were jumping her fence to steal her oranges. She didn’t let up until the fence was heightened.

You can either tell your mum to stop. She is being rude and insensitive about your weight or lie.
“You are right to be concerned mum, I have booked in to see a GP about my health.”(no intention of seeing GP)
“Saw the GP Mum and raised my concerns about my weight and potentially getting diabetes. The dr said I am very healthy and am not pre diabetic.”
“Thanks for the plate mum, that was a good idea to remind me to eat smaller portions” (shoves horrible plate to the back of the cupboard only to pull out and dust off of dm is visiting)