Husband sleeping on sofa

[Starlight2004]

My husband has been sleeping on the sofa for over 2 years now! I don't even remember how it started. We hadn't had a fight or anything. He just stays up later than me and started falling asleep down there. We have been together over 20 years, have older teenage children. To look at us you would guess we were happy. But I feel rejected and sad. I spoke to him about it about a year ago, I said that I miss having him in the bed. He said that it's not a big deal, and not to take it personally. But how can I not? I think after that conversation he came back to bed for about 2 nights!

We have sex very occasionally maybe every couple of months, usually if we have had a drink or been out to a party or something and then he will sleep in the bedroom but otherwise nothing. I don't know if I can go on feeling so sad. I know he will just shut down if I try to speak to him about it again, or get very defensive. He seems to be quite happy to live like this. Has anyone else experienced this?

Only when my exh was having an affair, and stayed up later than me so that he could chat to the OW in the living room.

Not that your dh is necessarily doing that. But if he claims that his behaviour is normal and you are unreasonable to comment or want to discuss it, then he is being deliberately obtuse to avoid the topic and/or trying to control you by making you feel in the wrong.

Two years is a long time.
Is he too embarrassed to say he's looking at porn?

I could be being blind but I really don't think there is a OW, he never goes anywhere but work, has no social life, so unless it's a purely virtual thing then I don't see how he could see her. And as for porn, well don't most men watch it? But I don't think in the living room with the dogs and where our 2 teenage boys could wander in at any time is where he would be getting his sexy time on. And besides I'm really open minded with that sort of thing and I'm not convinced he would go to those extremes to hide it.

Maybe he just likes sleeping on his own. Lots of people sleep in separate bedrooms for that reason. The problem for me would be his refusal to discuss it with you, or deal with the fact that it's making you feel unhappy, and the manner in which he is refusing (trying to shame you into not asking). That's just making you feel worse.

I'd say you need to make it clear to yourself that you are not being unreasonable at all to want to discuss this, and then approach him again with that in mind.

What could you say if he shrugs it off with "don't take it personally"? For instance, you could laughingly say "Too late, I already feel bad, so what are we going to do about that?"

Also, I find it useful to think up some nice possible explanations for a person's behaviour, and suggest those yourself, so that they see that you're not blaming them or attacking them, but really want to discuss it nicely. You could ask if he gets fed up with your snoring / moving about; if he wakes up and doesn't want to disturb you; if there's some other problem you can help with.

Sounds ideal to me. Love having the bed to myself and if my other half is sick he sleeps on the couch. I get the best night sleep ever!

Surely the discomfort would be reason enough for him to address this. I really can’t fathom why an adult would do this for any length of time. Maybe on the odd occasion if he stayed up to watch a box set.

Perhaps you do need a discussion about separate rooms or 50’s style twin beds. My DP is a nightmare to sleep with. He hogs the bed and duvet, kicks and tosses and is prone to suffocating cuddles at times. My age and medication have me going to the toilet quite often which is annoying for him too. Although quite why he asks where I am going and if I am ok each time I don’t know. I think we both snore.

But I wouldn’t sleep on the sofa or let anyone sleep on the sofa. Beds are for sleeping in.

Do you snore? Hog the covers?

My parents sleep separately about half the week because my dad has a bad stomach and my mum snores like a foghorn so often one of them will move to sleep in my old room.

Maybe he just sleeps better on his own. Still, seems a shame that he never really tries to start out in the same bed as you.

I would just ask him outright 'does my snoring wake you?' 'is the mattress too soft for your back?' ect… I mean I get that he maybe just wants to sleep alone but he should at least give you a reason so that you don't worry yourself sick thinking its a big marriage issue.

Does he at least use sheets? We have them on a bed for a reason...

Even if in his eyes it's just become a habit it is still something that's bothering you and only sharing the bed after sex would make you feel lonelier the rest of the month.

Fwiw I know some couples opt for separate rooms after decades together but it's strange that he never really discussed this.

My ex used to do this. He always said it was just because he fell asleep down there. He would hang around with his mates until the early hours pretty much every night - (weed). He was also looking at porn and also our sex life was non existent which was partly my fault. I found content on his iPad that he had not closed down showing what he had been looking at. In counselling after i left he said it was because I made him feel rejected. He didnt think about the way he treated me - being out until the early hours, drugs etc but looking back it made it easier to leave him as he was emotionally abusive. It was just another reason to check out of the marriage. (I was only 26 and really thought it would work but I didnt live with him until after marriage, didnt know what I was getting into). I think there is definitely a reason for it and I would speak to him and get to the bottom of it.

I don't snore but I do suffer with insomnia occasionally so I guess I can be a wriggler but he has always been the out the second his head hits the pillow type so I can't imagine anything I would do would bother him.

I suppose it's the lack of affection that's really bothering me, no one to snuggle into when I've had a hard day, I miss sleepy morning sex I suppose just normal stuff.

He does smoke weed but not in the house. it's a habit I've tried to overlook, as he rarely drinks, doesn't really go out, doesn't gamble, doesn't smoke cigarettes so I've not really put pressure on him to stop but maybe this a bigger problem than I realised.

I would check if your sex life is compatible. If he is constantly being rejected, then this maybe a way of him reversing the control.

He's not being rejected, I've always had a slightly higher sex drive but not dramatically different.

We were in this same position..I convinced myself it was fine, normal just a bit unconventional. But the impact it had on our relationship was summountable. It got worse on and worse each. K never so aware of the distance between us and lack of effection. Even tho we had sex weekly still. We lost our connection.

We now sleep together every night and I cannot tell you the positive impact it's had.
It took us a good week or so, to get used to each other in bed again.

I think you need to force the issue and male h see how much it hurts you. And how unhealthy it is.

If you had twin beds due to bad sleeping habits then it wouldn't be bad
You would have a dialogue aboit it.

I started to hate the settee and loving room!!

I think the lack of affection would be hard for me. I like a night to myself but... We already have separate duvets. He snores. I have a white noise machine. He wakes me up with his 3x a night wees. Our dogs sometimes make fusses... i wouldn't change any of it, but i do occasionally take myself off of I'm desperate for a good sleep.

What will you do if he just doesn't want to share a bed anymore but you're certain he's not misbehaving and it's just this?

I am with Dudsville on this, you have to confront it. Even if that means you agree to sleep separately or discuss what exactly is going on in your relationship.

The current situation is just nonsense and must to be very weird for the children.

Why haven't you said anything or challenged this? I just couldn't tolerate someone sleeping on the sofa

Your sofa (and his back) must be wrecked!! My STBXH preferred to fall asleep on the couch as he felt he woke up on going to bed. But he usually trooped up about 3am ish waking me up which was even worse. He was very selfish in a lot of other ways too.

I think you have to confront it, too. I'm another with a husband who slept separately when he was having an affair. And yes he was always home in the evening so I didn't suspect, but think he was messaging her when he was on his own.

I would insist on you sleeping together - it's really not normal that someone sleeps on the sofa every night.

I’d feel totally rejected and upset if my H didn’t want to sleep with me. You have to tell him how this is making you feel.

It is perfectly okay to want to sleep separately if either person has trouble getting a good nights sleep. But it needs to be negotiated beforehand. And he needs his own bed or at least a mattress. Sleeping on the sofa every night definitely can't be good for his back.

I agree with having a talk in finding a solution. Maybe separate beds in the same room would work?

I agree with other people that you need to have a conversation as to what is going on, but you need to do it in a way that is not confrontational or accusational as well. If you go into the conversation with guns blazing all it will do is put him on the defensive immediately and nothing will be accomplished. I'm married and my sleeping situation sometimes makes me feel guilty, my DW is an early to bed and later to rise person (9 PM to 6 AM) while I'm a later to bed and earlier to rise (11 PM to 5 AM ). So, sometimes it can be difficult to not accidentally wake her at night, but in the morning she loves to be woken up with a cup of coffee in bed, and a kiss as I'm leaving for work.