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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever been ‘played’ by a man?

40 replies

Orangemarker · 07/05/2019 09:58

And if so what did it feel like and when did the penny drop? How did you cope with it . Thanks for reading . I am not sure if I am being played so rather than giving reasons why I think I’ve been played, i wonder of any of your experiences would be familiar to mine .thank you

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 07/05/2019 13:12

I had a friend at Uni who I had a massive crush on. He always seemed like he was interested. Anyway nothing ever happened. I wasn't the only girl. Fast forward 20 years and we become FB friends and during our first conversation he tells me that we always had a special connection... He is happily married. I am also happily with partner and I realised at that point he'd played me all through Uni and wanted to start again. I just left it and gave him no more time. Just ignore his contact unless it's work related.

Chocmallows · 07/05/2019 13:16

He's playing you as you are biting. Ignore, block, be boring (grey rock him) and let him find someone else to play!

Original poster
Orangemarker · 07/05/2019 13:18

Thanks. Yesterday I got an awful feeling and I am
Upset by this. Rather than being a friend all along I feel more like an ego boost. I believe that he wasn’t a fried, only someone who used me . I am upset and feel creeped out all in one. I maybe am overinvested. I feel hurt and lied to. I trusted him and feel used .

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 07/05/2019 13:23

Tell him to stop or you will report him to HR. I had a colleague who kept making random sexual comments and laughing at my discomfort so I told him to stop or else I would report him. He avoided me ever since which was great

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 07/05/2019 13:27

I would be very cold and very firm.
No friendly chats, no nice warning.

Clear loud firm messages.
“That isn’t appropriate.”
“I’m busy. unless it’s about work I can’t talk”
“You are so critical of your girlfriend - it’s a really unpleasant trait”

Get earphones and listen to them at your desk.
Don’t reply to any what’s app messages at all. If questioned just say you were busy.

Give him a wide berth, He sounds like a right weirdo...

Original poster
Orangemarker · 07/05/2019 13:48

Yes I am seeing that now . I am ridiculously upset over it though. I thought I was strong and my bullshit sensor was tuned . Looks like all along I was some weird crutch for him. I can’t understand why I’m so
Emotional and angry
About it . It’s not like who I am at all . I spent a lot of time consoling him, advising him, listening to him and got a lot from the friendship . Looking back though, he would rarely follow up in anything I discussed with him. Only self absorbed behaviours a lot of the time .he knows I’m off as he keeps following me which makes me more agitated .

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangemarker · 07/05/2019 16:06

Should I speak to him personally again ?

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 07/05/2019 16:33

No just blank him. If he asks why you can't do lunch then 'you have a lot of work on' 'you are busy' etc etc

Original poster
Orangemarker · 07/05/2019 16:36

I will find that tremendously difficult and awkward .

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 07/05/2019 16:40

Read up on the grey rock technique of communication and just be really really busy.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/05/2019 16:47

I will find that tremendously difficult and awkward.

You can speak to him at work, about work. But as soon as he starts being inappropriate you tell him so. Say that you value him as a colleague but feel he crosses boundaries and gets too intense with you, so you'd prefer him to stop contacting you outside work. If he tries to claim you're soulmates point out that both of you are in LTRs and you don't need another soulmate.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/05/2019 16:53

Should add that it may take a while for the message to sink in. Rather than make a speech and expect him to accept your boundaries you're going to have to chip away bit by bit.

Be polite and always smile fairly broadly when making your points. I've found people who are being unreasonable find it very hard to attack if you just keep smiling.

So "I'm sorry but that's inappropriate". Smile

And repeat...

If he starts giving you a hard time then you're going to have to speak to HR/your boss. Hope it doesn't reach that stage

Middersweekly · 07/05/2019 16:54

He isn’t a player he’s a creeper! Slowly trying to creep into your life so you ‘notice’ what a catch he is! You’ve made it clear you’re not interested as you’re taken and he’s not let that stop his barrage of texts etc. perhaps he’s trying to fabricate a relationship type scenario so that your OH breaks up with you and he can swoop on in and play the hero! Sounds like a weirdo! I would avoid and stop texting him!

Original poster
Orangemarker · 07/05/2019 17:09

Thanks for. Advice . Wish he would just back off and make a go of his own relationship and leave me alone. I feel bad for saying that as we have been such good mates but yes he wants his cake and to eat it too and I’m not bothered to be some kind of weird substitute girl for when he is bored or lonely or his girl doesn’t entertain him

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 07/05/2019 17:10

Yes. By my husband of 15 years.

I was devastated.

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