Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it the right thing to forgive for your child

20 replies

Flowerpowerr1 · 07/05/2019 09:04

Hi all, so I’m currently separated from DH we split up when I was 8 months pregnant my DS is now 8 weeks and I’ve moved in with my parents.
I recently filed for a divorce not sure if it was too soon though
He’s done something I find soo so hard to forgive it even makes me sick to my stomach he really doesn’t deserve a second chance but I don’t want my DS to grow up with separated parents. Everyone looks at him and feels sorry for him.
I’m sure he will be a really good dad to him and he’s very helpful but that would mean i will be the one sacrificing for my DS. I know it will never be a normal marriage again and I don’t think I could share a bed with him again.
I don’t know what’s best for DS could I really just act like a happy married couple for DS I’m not sure ..
I’m also scared if we ever separated again DS will be old enough to understand then and it will really hit him hard..
it’s so difficult

OP posts:
HelpAFattieOutHere · 07/05/2019 09:11

Kids deserve happy parents and if that's separated, then so be it. It's your (both parents) job to model healthy relationships. Staying together for the sake of children isn't the right thing to do

Aquifolium · 07/05/2019 09:14

It completely depends on what it was your DH did , I would say. Are we talking murder?

Mayalready · 07/05/2019 09:14

Your ds having separated dps will be his norm. All he really needs is a happy dm imo.
What sort of message will it give to not be in a proper relationship bringing him up? His view on stable /balanced relationships will be very skewed which isn't healthy.
And if your dh has behaved so disgusting to you don't assume he will be any better as a df.....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/05/2019 09:16

Do not become a martyr for your DS going forward: he wont say thanks mum to you for doing that and will call you daft for doing so. Also being with your H prevents you from meeting someone else, someone who is, unlike your H, actually deserving of you.

This man crossed a red line in your mind and you parted when you were 8 months pregnant. That was also very hard and took a lot of guts. You have gone onto file for divorce.

Do not stay in a marriage for the sake of the child, doing that just teaches your child that a loveless marriage will be his norm too. He can also be a good parent to his child if he chooses to whilst separated from you; the two are not mutually exclusive. I would also think that not all people look at your H and feel sorry for him.

What is so wrong with your DS growing up with separated parents, what is your reasoning behind this?. Is it fear of your current H, the unknown, supposed parental disapproval at getting divorced?.

Notjudesmum · 07/05/2019 09:21

Happy parents are better than ‘together’ parents. I know this from experience. My parents were miserable together, they had nothing in common and rarely talked, never laughed, never showed any affection. I don’t ever remember them holding hands, cuddling, even sitting together watching tv. I remember being intrigued by my friends parents and how happy they looked. My parents eventually divorced when I was 8 and around a year after my mum met someone else. She changed, she was laughing all the time, had so much energy and life. They travelled together and went out for dinner, went on long walks and took up hobbies together. It was like I had a new mum. She had a new life...a wonderful, happy life that she deserved.
It was then that I understood that that’s how it’s meant to be....you’re meant to spend your life with someone you love, someone that knows your worth. I wouldn’t in a million years ever have wanted my parents to stay together. YOU need to be happy so ur DC can be happy x

BitchQueen90 · 07/05/2019 09:23

Loads of kids have separated parents. Because your DS is so young he won't know any different. I split from my DS's dad when DS was 10 months and all of us are very happy.

bobstersmum · 07/05/2019 09:43

Depends totally on what he did!

hellsbellsmelons · 07/05/2019 09:47

Don't sacrifice your happy life for your DS.
He won't thank you for that.
It's not fair to put your unhappiness on your DS shoulders.
You left because he did something that was a deal-breaker for you.
Stick with your moral compass and don't falter from it.
Your DS can still have 2 happy parents that are separated.
Far better than 2 unhappy parents modelling a loveless relationship.

BoomZahramay · 07/05/2019 09:49

And if you get back together and split again when your DS is 5?
Better for him to grow up with split parents as normal.

Ohyesiam · 07/05/2019 09:54

Could you really live a lie spending your days being sick to your stomach. As well as ruining your chances to have a genuinely fulfilling relationship?
And if you did decide to do that, how much happiness could it produce for your son?

Children thrive on being surrounded by love, not a sham marriage where no one’s needs are getting met. Imagine growing up in a house full or simmering resentment and a toxic atmosphere. And as you say, it wouldn’t exactly be sustainable.

I think you know the answer op.

Sorry you’ve been let down so badly. I think the thing that would most serve your son would be to put your energy into being civil and forgiving enough so that your ds has good access to his father and doesn’t have to witness animosity between you at changeovers. Separated parents can have happy kids.

Original poster
Flowerpowerr1 · 07/05/2019 13:49

I agree with all of you, I’m sure we can get on if I forgive him but the thing is I can’t get passed what he did, he’s willing to see a psychologist/counselor to change.

I’d feel like a real door mat if I got back with him but other than what he did he was a good husband he just had deep issues.
I think he was a bit of a sex addict he even went onto harass my younger sister for nudes through fake accounts on social media. It’s absolutely vile I know ! But he’s telling me he did it because he hated her and wanted to expose her which also I wrong :(
He’s a real weirdo it’s such a shame we have a child together

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2019 13:54

Oh god, that’s grim. I think you posted about him before? I couldn’t forgive that and what sort of marriage, what sort of family life could you hope to have if he makes you feel like that and you wouldn’t have a physical relationship?

I agree with others your baby needs happy parents and you can be happy apart. Do the people pitying your ex know what he did?

Lottapianos · 07/05/2019 14:00

'I think he was a bit of a sex addict'

Theres no such thing OP, just an arrogant man who thinks he is entitled to women's bodies. How absolutely vile for your sister, and for you. You do not need someone like that in your life. Hold tight to your boundaries. Your DS will not thank you for making him grow up in a miserable home, take it from me, and others on here

pallisers · 07/05/2019 14:10

I don't think it even depends on what he did (although seeing your update, I'd dump him and would happily tell people why I left him if he continued to bother me). What matters is that it is something YOU cannot live with. If that is something that wouldn't bother someone else is irrelevant - it bothers you.

There are loads of happy children reared by separated/divorced parents. You don't have to martyr yourself.

barryfromclareisfit · 07/05/2019 14:14

Don’t be ridiculous. If the father has done something you cannot tolerate, do not live with him. At all. Ever.

Haven’t you posted about him before? I remember the younger sister.

flumpybear · 07/05/2019 14:15

I think whSt he's done is so wrong, it's sickening and I wouldn't want to bring up a child with a father who thought that was ok to do under any circumstances - really, who died and made him the person to judge her then try to harass and 'out' her ffs- he's wrong I'm so many levels

Personally I'd also resent having to stay together for the sake of the children, could you really go through 18 years of this? Also where's the cut off point, where is it allowable for your child to have split parents?

I'd stay apart and just get in with your life as a single parent

hellsbellsmelons · 07/05/2019 14:18

But he’s telling me he did it because he hated her and wanted to expose her
Wrong and fucking illegal!!! And.... he's lying.;
This is beyond deal-breaker territory and you know it OP.
Don't allow this man anywhere near you again.
He's vile!

englishdictionary · 07/05/2019 14:21

It completely depends on what it was your DH did

It doesn't depend on what he did at all. How ridiculous.

OP you be with someone because you want to be, not because you feel some misguided moral obligation to your baby. The relationship didn't and won't work.

Give yourself some time anyway; your baby is far too young for you to make any major decisions.

BitchQueen90 · 08/05/2019 18:15

If you're the poster I think you are you have posted about this man before and he is vile. You're better off not with him.

SkySmiler · 13/05/2019 10:04

No, you should not forfeit your happiness for the sake of your child, do you think he would want you to? He needs a strong, happy mother to raise him to be a strong , happy man. Your EX sounds disgusting

New posts on this thread. Refresh page