Mismatched sex drives ruining our relationship.

[Santafan]

He says if you love someone you should want to do those things with them.

I say I've just got a normal sex drive but it's diminishing due to the pressure.

He thinks if I don't feel in the mood then I should at least make the effort to be. I.E dress up sexy, engage in kissing and touching and see how I feel.

I think I know before all this happens whether I'm in the mood or not.

I'm worried he's ruining my love for sex with the pressure. Please help!

NC for obvious reasons.

He’s being an idiot for putting that level of expectation on you.

Sex & money are the main reasons why couples split. If you’re uncomfortable you need to end it

Tell him if he wasn't such an arse hole you might fancy him more. Seriously OP this isn't right.

Is there anyone who has positive stories on how to overcome this?

I think the answer is different if it's a new boyfriend or long term marriage or boyfriend.

If new... get rid, find someone better matched and less pushy.

If long-term, and you want to stay, there are definitely ways to rekindle things, make sex a more inviting prospect for yourself.

There just isn’t enough information to advise you. But I will give it a go.

I would start with trying to determine if you have a problem in yourself. I don’t think you do but there is a contradiction in your post. You state that you think you have a normal sex drive. But then say his behaviour is putting you off, implying in this relationship it is diminishing. Is that the only factor? What about hormones, stress and age?

Then you say that if you are not in the mood then you are not in the mood. This is correct to a certain extent. But as we get older, busier and more stressed then the mood sometimes never comes or is less frequent. We don’t have the raging hormones of the young. This is were it is recommended that you try to increase contact and sexual affection, without the intent to have sex. This needs to be explicit for both of you.

You need to identify what does get you aroused and what does make you feel attracted to him. Unless this is a new relationship you should know what this is to some extent. But it might have changed.

His approach is clearly unattractive to you. Rightly so.
He presumably thinks your response is apathetic.

There is some truth in both of these statements. Do you want to try to make your sex life satisfying for both of you. Do you want to be in this relationship.

He thinks that he is entitled to sex from you whenever he wants it. He is a sex pest. Do you really want to endure his nagging indefinitely?

Is there anyone who has positive stories on how to overcome this?

Nope! If you do what he suggests, kissing etc to "see if you are in the mood" and then you want to stop because you still aren't, he'll throw a massive strop - why won't you just do it, why are you teasing me, etc. You can't win either way.

I was in a similar situation and he said similar things, but in reality once we "started" I wasn't allowed to stop for literally hours - he didn't physically force me but the massive tantrum if I wanted to stop wasn't worth it. Many times I ended up gritting my teeth and going along with it. I deeply regret that now! Never again. No means no for me now.

@LemonTT thanks for the reply. Both early 30s with young children. Both work full time.

The way I see it is if we hadn't had sex for a few weeks/months there would be cause for concern. Not 2 days. It kind of gets to the 2nd day and then starts the comments. If it was left to me I'd probably start feeling it by the 3rd day. Despite my busy life I do naturally start thinking it and feeling it myself from around day 3. Sometimes other factors do come into it. I'm on medication for anxiety which may not help. Also sometimes tiredness.
In the evenings we do sit and cuddle/kiss/hold hands while watching tv which I feel is something positive. A lot of the time it feels he takes this as he green light to go to the next stage.
I've asked about consent and if he could ask if I want to go further instead of what happened last time with it being him trying to turn me on and I wasn't in the mood. I'd also had some sad news yesterday and had a busy day with kids so I was just knackered.
I've tried showing him articles on mismatched sex drive and it does talk about pressure and how to prevent this but he never looks at it. It's like he wants to ignore the situation. All he says is it won't stop him feeling the way he does.
I've explained to him I feel a massive responsibility for his needs and making him happy so I put pressure on myself to do this but I don't feel he lets me relax. I'm always on edge til the minute we go to bed wondering if he'll tell me to go to bed and relax or he'll just keep thinking about his needs.
He does have sulky behaviour and it is offputting when everything else about him is perfect.

Hi OP he’s not listening to you and your needs and wants. He’s a sex pest by the sounds of it.

Maybe you need to agree a timetable. you feel under pressure and he feels rejected. These are both negative energies which will just fuel each other. You could say, as some have remarked, that if he didn't put you under pressure you wouldn't reject him so much, but it could be as easily argued that if you didn't reject him so much he wouldn't pressure you. Don't play the blame game, this is a situation where communication understanding and a willingness to meet in the middle (so to speak) will provide dividends not just in this situation but other problems that your relationship will face.

2 days!! Blimey. Yes he’s being totally unreasonable. How did he manage that before being in a long term relationship? Unless both people want to do it every day then it’s not ok to keep pestering. It’s borderline abusive isn’t it? It’s putting you under huge psychological pressure to give in. Maybe you should both go see a sex therapist for some professional help on how to deal with this. Won’t he masturbate rather than pester you? Couldn’t you agree that he can go watch porn upstairs and satisfy himself on those days you’re not up for it?

I don’t think op should have to suggest he go and watch porn to make up for her not wanting to have sex every day! That is a lot by anyone’s standards and he is being unreasonable to suggest otherwise.

Honestly you should dump him.
He has some deeply sexist views. He thinks you're only there to have sex with. He doesn't care whether you like it or not. It's irredeemable op

Op he could well be a sex pest but I am going to give you credit for being a rational person who did not marry and have children with a man who was a sex pest. I assume this behaviour is new and that you are both in a downward cycle. But it would be foolish to not recognise that his current behaviour is wrong and inappropriate in many ways.

My own experience of long term relationships is that they are based on an ability to communicate effectively on a lot of levels. The most complex is understanding your own particular language of love as a couple which doesn’t stay static. The lines are between sex and affectionate overtures blur and meander. It is easy to get off the same page. It does not help that as individuals we throw a whole bucket full of self worth and esteem into our sexual prowess and attraction. Nor, that we often cannot disentangle our belief that sex is the most important expression of love.

Over time in my relationship as we got older we miscommunicated and at times his sex drive was just not there. Honestly I would love to say that I responded with deep understanding but truthfully after a while I felt rejection and insecurity. I expressed disappointment and frustration on occasions in negative way because it is hard not to feel that sexual rejection is an indication that he was falling out of love. But we worked through it. He provided assurance and recognised that it had and impact on me. I was able to let go of the insecurity.

I did get annoyed that although he was understanding he didn’t do enough to address his low mood. As it turns out he was sliding into depression brought on by a high pressured and stressful job. So inadvertently his treatment for depression addressed his sex drive. Yup, he got a better sex drive on anti depressants 🤷‍♀️

I wonder if your DH is reading a lot more into your response to his overtures. That he doesn’t understand that you have changed the language of love between you. He could be feeling unloved and threatened. This is driving negative and unwanted behaviour.

I think maybe you could both benefit from some counselling to help you get to a better position. One where he can get assurance that he is loved and valued. One where he understands that affection and touching don’t lead to sex all the time and especially as you get older.

It’s quite hard to explain a reduced or changing libido to someone who have never experienced it. The want to find the spark but it just not igniting. But some of this can be improved or addressed. Inevitably it will slow down for both of you. So it needs to be brought out into the open.

I have suggested we go and see a sex therapist but he's not really showing willingness for that. I have told him if it doesn't change then I just feel like walking away.

He has massive insecurities from his past which I feel is the reason he's so overboard about it. After the honeymoon phase it just became a massive deal as we wasn't having sex pretty much every day. We still to this day have never been more than 6 days without it and that is only due to when I've been too poorly to.

I've said to him I'm happy to give him a hand if I'm not in the mood but he just said that he doesn't feel a connection like that. I have had my own doubts about him which he is aware of. For example I used his phone recently to google the number for a takeaway as I was using my notes on my phone to read from. I noted that no recent searches came up and there was no internet history whatsoever. I did say I feel that's a bit strange. He said he must have just gone on and cleared it without thinking too much. Do people actually do this?
Cut to this morning I've gone to brush my teeth and there's no toothpaste. He's taken it and his wash bag to work to have a shower there before coming home. It's not the first time he's done this, but I didn't think much of it at the time.
For context he works in an office all day and there's no reason he can't wait til he gets home. If he knows I'm not going to be at home when he gets home, he'll have a shower when he gets back.

I just wonder if my spidey senses are telling me that all this insecurity from him is actually a massive cover up for his own wrong doings since I've never given a reason for him to be secure about my loyalty to him.

He's probably been looking at porn and clearing his internet history so you don't see it.

He doesn't want to go to a sex therapist because he doesn't think he has a problem, you do. It isn't insecurity, it's acting like a knob

Just walk away op.

I wouldn't even mind if he was watching it. As long as it was nothing extreme or illegal. He knows I've watched it in the past.

Just feel like it's double standards when he knows full well if that was me doing that he would lose his shit. I've taken his word for it that he's not up to anything so I'll just keep an eye out for anything else.

Do you realise its not ok for him to pressure you at all though? He shouldn't be doing it and you don't have to put up with it

I do realise that it's wrong @Shoxfordian but whenever I say to him about feeling under pressure he says that i shouldn't and that he doesn't want to have sex with someone that doesn't want to have sex with him.

That's all well and good but then the comments of he can't understand that if you love someone why you wouldn't want to do that which get inside my head. I've told him this and he said he can't help how he feels. I've told him I can't help how I feel either, feeling like I have to else the negative comments start. To be quite frank I do ache usually the next day which is another reason I can't do it every day. If I try then it makes it uncomfortable for me.
Last night he kept asking if there was someone else. Fucks sake man I haven't got the energy to keep you happy, let alone anyone else!
I've told him that his behaviour towards it is very unattractive and does nothing for me. He thinks if we have got along for 2 days with no issues then it means I'll be in the mood. He doesn't stop to think if I'm tired or have other things on my mind that prevents me being in the mood.

Left to my own devices I would make the effort and I do compromise already for more than I'd like. It only came to a head last night where I got upset when he was doing things to me and I said I can't take it any more. I was scared to tell him to stop in case he reacted badly.

Saying you were scared to tell him to stop is really concerning. Sex should be a completely enjoyable experience, you shouldn't ever feel coerced into it or like you owe him it. He's manipulating you by saying you'd do if if you loved him. If he loved you then he wouldn't treat you like a sex doll

You deserve so much better than this
What advice would you give your daughter if her partner treated her like this?