Asexxual or not

[Flute56]

I am a virgin in my mid 50s. I have pretended to a couple of friends that I have had sex with boyfriends because I do not want them to think of me as odd. The truth is that I have always been scared of sex with men. I have never been sexually abused so that is not a factor. I did wonder for a while that I might be gay and for a while made some lesbian friends but never got into a relationship with a woman. Then I decided to ditch that and go back to a straight lifestyle and try and find a man again and maybe if I felt he was right for me then sex would happen. I come from very strict old fashioned parents who did not believe in sex before marriage but its not really about that. I don't know how to get over this. I do not even like looking at naked men as they do nothing for me

You could be....but does it matter? If you're happy that is.

I am in my late 40s and have found men attractive from my early teens....if you've never looked at a man and wanted contact in that way, then as far as I'm concerned you're missing nothing.

Are you happy in life?

yes I am happy in life

@Flute56 I think you might find it helpful to explore these thoughts among people who feel similarly to you.

I did spend some time wondering if I was asexual, ultimately I came to the conclusion that I'm probably not, but reading and posting on the forums at www.aven.org was really helpful to me in various ways.
I'd recommend the "older asexuals" part of the forums there, it's not particularly active but you will find many life stories similar to your own.

Oops , wrong web address, aven is actually at www.asexuality.org

Have you ever felt sexual attraction to any man, even if it was an actor in a film etc?

I don't know how to get over this. I do not even like looking at naked men as they do nothing for me

Have you ever had any kind of situation where you got to know a man really quite well that lead to any kind of physical attraction (for example a boss or colleague at work or a friend at university/in education)?

If you've ever had that sort of feeling, it maybe that you are demisexual. Demisexuals will describe exactly how you feel about naked men doing nothing for them and never having a sense of feeling attracted to a filmstar or a man across a bar. For demisexuals, attraction only arises after there is an emotional connect with someone.

This doesn't mean standard dating getting to know some one over a few dates. Many people will say they only feel attraction with an emotional connection but they are talking about something completely different - short term dating. Demisexuals referring to an emotional connection are talking about getting to know someone over months of regular contact or even years in some cases. It is that sort of emotional bond (often admiration or close friendship) that then lights a fuse to a powerful sexual attraction.

This may not echo with you at all but it is possible to be demisexual and not to know if you never have the opportunity to develop those kind of connections.

www.bustle.com/articles/155277-what-does-demisexual-mean-here-are-6-signs-that-you-may-identify-as-demisexual

wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual

Demisexuality resources: demisexuality.org/

PP's have given you good advice OP. And the best web site to research and investigate.

only once when I was about 17.

Flute56

only once when I was about 17.

Is that in answer to my question Have you ever had any kind of situation where you got to know a man really quite well that lead to any kind of physical attraction (for example a boss or colleague at work or a friend at university/in education)?

or in answer to @JenniferJareau

If it's to my question and you became later attracted to someone you knew well (ie. you had a physical attraction that was not evident to you for a long time until you knew them very well), this may possibly be an indicator of demisexuality but it's hard to know.

It's partly circumstance dependent as to whether someone who is demisexual realises they are consider these scenarios -

Woman is demisexual. At school she has a serious bf she's attracted to as he was her best friend. They split up at the end of her first year. She goes to university. In the second year she develops a serious attraction to a classmate who she has bonded with. They date for a few years but split up when he moves away. By this point she's got to know her boss really well. He's older wiser and very attractive to her. They get together and get married. They remain married for 40 years. This woman would never realise she was demisexual as she never had a fallow period where she notice her physical attraction was only something that latently developed. She would just put this down to being in love with one man at one time and not click that there was anything out of the ordinary. She (wrongly) assumes she is oridinarily heterosexual as she's never had the opportunity to realise otherwise .

Woman is demisexual. Attends an all girls school, knows no men and doesn't bond with anyone. Goes to university, does a female dominated course and lives in an all female halls of residence. Doesn't bond emotionally with any men. Leaves university. Moves into working world where most of her colleagues are women. The ones that are men are married and avoid becoming overly close emotionally to their female colleagues. She tries internet dating but feels no attraction for any man on a first, second or third date. She assumes she is asexual as she's never had the opportunity to realise otherwise.

I do not know how to answer your question. I suppose if I did meet the right man then that would be fine but I have never met the right man and to be honest I think I am too fussy and the perfect man is not going to come along and if I do see a man that I think gosh I could go for him they are either married or with someone else or way out of my league an the only men who do want to date me are men I would not touch with a ten foot bargepole and the last man who wanted to date me was a scruffy overweight man with greasy hair and if that is the only kind of man I am able to attract then either there is something wrong with me or I am not trying hard enough to attract the type of man I want and I think you have to be true to yourself and you should not deliberately change yourself into someone you are not just to get a good man. I dress nicely so maybe my personality does not attract the better men and I am left with the kind of men that other women do not want and I do not want that and I am not about to date them because they are better than nothing. I did that when I was in my 20s and as I got older I decided never to do that again because it is a waste of my time and theirs