Anyone feel friends and family were not there for you following a life crisis

[chicalang]

I'm in my mid 30's and lost my husband suddenly just under 3 years ago through traumatic circumstances. I have 2 young kids. Initially everyone was so good and phoned and called frequently. Time has ticked by and I'm aware people move on. The problem is I have not. My thoughts are still around my late husband and the care of my kids. I feel a lot of my good friends have drifted and have abandoned me. They no longer seem to consider what I've gone through and to be honest I rarely here from them now. This has made me angry. My sister and one friend has and still is there for me when I need them. Am I been irrational or should I expect more from my previous good friends

I'm so sorry to hear that, must have been so hard for you to go through.

Have you tried to contact them much? I do think it works both ways once it's been a few years maybe they are going through things they would also like help with. Reach out to them - they may love to hear from you.

I think you need to reach out and seek support from people who understand what you are going through.

I have lost a previously very good friend recently. She has been through a difficult time over the past 3 or 4 years but our entire friendship became nothing more than me supporting her through several related crises. I didn't hear from her from one week/month to the next until she next needed support.

Whilst I was happy to spend this time with her, eventually she became sneering/dismissive of any of my attempts to bring joy into her life, or to suggest we had fun as she felt that was unimportant in the face of what she had been through.

Ultimately, our friendship couldn't survive the persistent negativity and I experienced, what I can only describe as, 'compassion fatigue'. Not because I'm an awful, uncaring, unfeeling person but because, as much as I loved her, I needed our friendship to be about more than just absorbing her misery.

So, I would suggest seeking support from those who are qualified/experienced to give it and seek out your friends for life and joy.

for your loss x

They don't know what to do or say. Whatever they say might strike a chord and remind you and bring it all back, so they say nothing. Give them a break.

Also, you say they were there for you after the life crisis, they are just not there for you in the same capacity 3 years on.

As you acknowledge, life moves on and, over the past 3 years, they might well have experienced their own life crises. Perhaps they would like some support with those, or feel the need to look after themselves if you are not in a position to be that friend to them.

I’m sorry for your loss.

IME if you want support you need to reach out, especially if it has been several years since. They may think you are ok, they may not be the right people you need to your side at this time, they may find the situation awkward (it happens) so although I know how difficult it is to find the time to meet with people when you are raising kids in your own, inviting someone for a cup of tea after the kids have gone to bed or after school drop off, a lunch while they are school can make wonders to make you feel better. But as a good old retired friend of mine once said... “people are busy with their lives, if I sit and wait for them to call me nothing happens, it is I who want to see them so I organise the meet ups otherwise I don’t see anyone” she did say it with no resentment, just after I asked how did she managed to be always surrounded by friends.

I don't think you're being irrational but sadly your friends aren't either.
I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how that has felt for you and your DC.

From my own experiences of grief and bereavement what I have learned is that people are scared to upset you (they shouldn't be, but they are). Because they're scared to upset you, they don't ask how you really are. So now they've left it too late and they just don't know what to say or do.

If I were you, I wouldn't waste too much time being angry with your friends who you feel haven't been there. The anger won't help you. It takes time but try to find new friends or acquaintances. The others are your past, leave them there. Your future will be different now and new people might help that.

Have you seen this Ted Talk? Please do watch it, I think it will resonate with you x

https://www.ted.com/talks/noramcinernyywedonntmoveeonfrommgriefweemoveforwarddwith_it

What did you hope / want to happen? Genuine question.

I ask as I felt the same after my Mum died. It was like everyone fucked off and I was left alone. I know now they had their own lives to get back to but I felt abandoned at a time when I was desperately in need but couldn't articulate that need.

I don't think I've managed to paste that correctly unfortunately... but if you google Nora McInerny Ted grief, it will come up...

Thank you all for your honest answers. In relation to them not knowing what to say this is not the case as I'm a very open about my DH death. Most likely the poster who said life moves on and maybe they have problems of their own now is correct. I do make an effort to socialize and don't discuss DH. Maybe I compare other peoples problems in my head as small against mine. I sometimes think maybe I have PTSD as I can't get the trauma around DH death out of my head. Although I coped well with kids/work full time, I'm still tormented in my head. I have had lots of counseling but it still all I think about when I'm not busy with the kids.

Maybe I compare other peoples problems in my head as small against mine. I sometimes think maybe I have PTSD as I can't get the trauma around DH death out of my head. Although I coped well with kids/work full time, I'm still tormented in my head. I have had lots of counseling but it still all I think about when I'm not busy with the kids.

The friend I spoke to about definitely experienced this. She was dismissive to the point of being truly offensive when other people tried to talk about their own pain.

It would be the equivalent of:

"My DH has had an affair with my best friend. I'm humiliated, broken and have no idea what to do next. My whole life has been torn from me and I'm terrified about what happens now."

"At least your husband is still alive..." and then discussing the traumatic events around that time and the impact it's had since without considering the pain the friend is going through. It shuts down the conversation and doesn't 'honour' them.

I'm not suggesting that's what you do but, when we are going through a terrible trauma, it can be hard to recognise trauma in others - or respond with empathy. In those instances, it is very easy to wonder what on earth someone is worrying about if their problems seem minor compared to your own.

I know that when my marriage broke down and both my parents died in the space of 6 months a few years ago, I lent quite heavily on a couple of friends for about a year. I look back now and realise that my expectations, borne of my needs, at that time must have been quite an ask for them. They were fantastic for that year but I doubt they would have been there in the same way 3 years on, especially if I hadn't been able to recognise their problems too.

I would suggest that 3 years is a long time to be holding onto the pain and trauma to this degree. It might be worth addressing that privately and sending a message to your friends to say, "hey, it's been a while. How are you?"

Thank you fairy lights for your honest reply. I'd like to think I have considered any issues my friends have had but maybe in truth I'm not really there for them. There was a lot of hype around my husbands death which I won't go into as I don't want to out myself. At the time it made national news. I had so much support to begin with but as has been said life moves on.I will phone a few friends today. Thanks

I am such a fan of peer support, do find any orgs/support groups that address the type of bereavement you are experiencing. It makes a huge (vast) difference to me to be with people who understand and I don't have to explain or pretend or cover up. So healing. I prefer it to eg counselling where I struggle with the power imbalance that is often, imo, mismanaged.

I'd also see about addressing your trauma. Perhaps talk to your GP. Also try EMDR? I've heard great things about it.

I'm so sorry you've experienced such a traumatic bereavement, I really am. Ime of bereavement and also cancer I felt let down by those close. I suppose I felt people are generally not very courageous I suppose, or don't have the confidence to know they can make a real difference. I didn't want them to move heaven and earth, just to show they cared. I think some were overwhelmed at what they thought I needed or expected... then I felt insulted and patronised blah blah blah. I just had to dump the lot of them from my head and heart bcs I could ill afford to be eaten up with resentment. I feel more charitable now the crises are over but the memory still stings a bit. Some people were really great tho, people I completely didn't expect.

That said, I think I'd know what to do in a crisis like the ones I've experienced - but a neighbour was horribly bereaved and my instinct was to avoid her. I was so surprised at myself. So I'm just as bad really.

I went through a bit of a trauma three years ago op-not on the scale of yours but it affected me badly. It still does and it's really changed me as a person. A couple of my friends were great and very supportive and still are. Others not so much.
Two points really-one-as pp said time moves on and your trauma just isn't as important to other people as it is to you-they have their own stuff to deal with and they will forget-sooner of course, than you will, what you are going through. That's no one's fault but it can lead you to resent people a bit I've found at times. And that eats away at the friendship without you even meaning it to.

Two-what happened to me changed me hugely. I'm not the same person I was before. I go out with my old friends now and I feel like I'm putting on an act a little bit. I was a big believer in fake it til you make it but it's very tiring. And I'm
Sure people see through it and feel a bit-annoyed maybe? -That I'm
Not as I once was.... I find it easier to spend time with people that don't know my history sometimes-because with them I'm not defined by it... so the old friendships are drifting a bit-which I feel sad about but I can also see why iyswim?

I'm
Sorry for your loss op and I hope you find some happiness down the line...