Feeling unappreciated and down.

[JammyGem]

It's our anniversary today. I'm currently on maternity leave with our first DC. I saved up and arranged a day out to do with his hobby for him - he was really happy. I'm glad as I wanted to give him something to show that I really appreciate him supporting us while I'm on maternity leave, and I appreciate all the (very long) hours he does at work.

Before I fell pregnant I used to go to a massage therapist once a month for my neck and back as I have a few issues there. I stopped when I was pregnant as I wanted to save the money to put towards the baby, and £40 a month added up. I've been saying for a little while that I should book up to go again as my back is really feeling the strain. His anniversary present for me was saying he'll look after DD tomorrow morning and I can go have a massage.

Maybe I'm being petty or selfish or grabby, but I just feel very disappointed. It's a nice thought, but he has left all the arranging to me. I've organised a special activity for him (that cost quite a bit) and I just feel there's no thought involved from him.

I know it's a lovely present, and I don't know why I feel so sad and disappointed. I never normally compare "value" of gifts but I'm a little sad that I spent £150+ and he has a last minute "Oh I'll pay the £40 for your massage". He knows I've been feeling down lately so has currently told me to take a bath to relax before dinner (I'm pretty sure I'll be cooking)

I sound so selfish and silly but I just feel very unappreciated. I spend 24/7 looking after DD, with only a couple of hours 'off' each week. I do most of the cooking, all of the shopping and getting bits for DD, and I try to keep up on housework but am admittedly a bit crap. DH often complains about the state of the house, says he'll help with housework and tidying but never does.

I'm just rambling now. Why am I so sad today?

Sorry, I forgot - we planned to have a nice day out today as DH had managed to get today and tomorrow off work, but instead he slept in and we ended up just going to the local shopping centre, where he bought something for himself for his hobby.
In another shop I was looking at children's books and he made a comment about how we already have so many books for DD. It's true, we do have a lot, but something about the comment just made me feel really down.

THere seem som inequality and inbalance how are finances and chores split

IT seems as if you feel grateful for him losing you to be a Sahm forgetting that it is his child too nd you are enabling him to work

Thanks @Quartz2208

There definitely is an imbalance. Yes, he does long hours and brings in more money, but admits himself he'd never be able to look after DD all day. I'm back at work in a couple of months and worried that it's going to be the same, with me doing all housework and cooking and childcare when I'm not working. I was scared when I became pregnant that I'd end up being a housewife and sahm and made it very clear to DH that I wouldn't be doing that. Only now, it seems that's exactly what I'll be doing, even when working.

I just want to feel a bit appreciated as a person, rather than just a skivvy.

Talk to him clearly set out what he needs to do

Admitting he can’t do it is a cop out he is her father he needs to be able to comfortably look after her all day

AND you are sad because he is not being the husband ir father you need or deserve

I hope it’s ok to be honest, because you’ve posted asking for opinions, but when I first read your post, my first thought was “oh that’s nice, he’s offered to look after their child so she can go get some me time” I think that’s a nice gesture. You say he works long hours. Spending ages booking up a gift isn’t really going to be on his radar? Surely it’s not about how much cash is spent but the thought? I’m not sure you want this to be the battle on which your marriage falters/ends? Is it? If he’d done or said absolutely nothing then I could understand it more but he’s done/doing something. When you’re in that “small kids” stress space then that’s to be applauded and encouraged. Just my opinion. You could be positive and say to him “thanks for offering to take dd while I go get a massage. I really appreciate that because I really need to feel valued” then it sows the seed for the future. Positivity breeds positivity? The housework situation sounds crap but it’s something you can probably sort with communication. Rota chart plus he pays for a cleaner once a week when you go back to work plus he pays for you to get your massage once a month. Easy simple things that means he’s doing something and you then feel valued and less taken for granted. He doesn’t sound like a bad one to be honest. It just sounds like you need to be more assertive and communicative with what you want and need. Sit him down and say “I’m feeling overwhelmed with doing everything in the house. I would like it to be a fairer split. I’d like us to go through the house chores and split our weekly some things that you can do to help”

I agree with most of what Shinyshoe has said, however, it’s not really a nice gesture to look after your own child for a couple of hours! It seems that it is assumed that Mum will be responsible for childcare 24/7 and if Dad does any he’s being a hero! Is this how you agreed the childcare responsibilities would be?