He's getting a bit much....

[Moofreemum1]

Split from DS dad 2 and a half years ago. DS is almost 3. When I left my ex i went into a refuge. Was emotional, mental and financial abuse. Not as extreme as some people's case but still quite bad and he's a bully. However never stopped him having DS. He seemed a good dad and has always provided for him and paid maintenance. More than he should actually. Anyway I've never really had any issues with him since out of the refuge. Recently though he keeps wanting to FaceTime every evening around tea/bedtime. I've answered most of the time but I'm uncomfortable now that it's becoming a regular thing. Sometimes DS gets upset and wants to see his dad then and there. Other times DS is busy and wants to play. Ex then gets funny and says "well I'll go if you don't want to talk to me" I've had a go at him for saying this and said don't make him upset.
Also another thing that bothers me is that he smothers him. When I've dropped DS off he won't let him go demands a kiss and big cuddle. I know ex own dad never bothered with him and I feel like he's using our son for his own happiness to fill a gap.
When DS gets dropped off on ex weekends he is Sometimes inconsolably crying and I'm worrying about what ex says to him e.g. emotionally abusing maybe? DS usually calms down after 5 mins when ex has gone and plays fine.
Ex has demanded 50/50 which he has almost half nights in the month anyway and I work part time so have him more and feeling like he resents that.
Sorry I'm rambling just want to make sure I put everything down so I don't drip feed. So what would you do if you were me?

Also just to add, he threaten to reduce my maintenance if he didn't get more days. I didn't budge however and said in not bothered about the money. He then threatened court. Again I didn't budge because I know the court wouldn't give him more and he could get less days.

Bump

Your OP is a bit of a mixed bag. To me this insistence on daily Facetime is teetering on controlling behaviour. Your Ex is keeping tabs on you while ostensibly it's all about your DS. I can understand why you're concerned.

But then you say another thing that bothers me is that he smothers him. When I've dropped DS off he won't let him go demands a kiss and big cuddle. I know ex own dad never bothered with him and I feel like he's using our son for his own happiness to fill a gap.

Er, has it not occurred to you that your Ex is engaged in a father son bond with his son and that's entirely a good thing?

My DF's DM was very cold. She never, in his whole life, told DF that she loved him. My DF responded to that by telling all his DC how much he loves us and showering us with cuddles and attention. He still tells me he loves me every time we see each other.

I can't believe you think your Ex is weird for cuddling his tiny child.

You need to set clearer boundaries. Tell him that FaceTime all the time is disruptive to your son at this age.

If you are afraid to do this you need to ask why.

Wanting a kiss and cuddle isn't in itself isn't so bad.

It's hard to say if he is being manipulative or just missing his son.

It's good you got away from him, it's also good he is paying maintenance.

prawn it's hard to explain, that's just one small example. Because I know him I know he uses our son to fill this void his dad left. It is nice that he loves him and wants to be in his life but I feel it's smothering. Like if DS doesn't give him a kiss his tone changes and he demands a kiss. DS is a toddler. You shouldn't take it personally. Just like when DS was disinterested in speaking to him on the phone, that he took it personally and was saying well daddy is going to go then, trying to make DS feel bad and then DS started getting upset. I feel like there's a line and ex is beginning to cross it with DS with being too much.

Yes this is horrible behaviour - emotionally blackmailing his tiny son.

These days surely we never ever demand kisses and hugs from even our own children. They are allowed to choose who touches them.

Regarding the Facetime I would just refuse. When your son is with you, let it be just your time.

Not sure what you do about the hugging thing - the problem is too deep rooted. HOpefully another poster will be able to help you.

Just like when DS was disinterested in speaking to him on the phone, that he took it personally and was saying well daddy is going to go then, trying to make DS feel bad

How else is he meant to say it though? Would it hurt you if your son who you only see part time would prefer to play with a toy than talk to you?

I think the dad's reaction is normal.

Yes, normal for an imature bully.

whichway it was his tone and our DS is 3 for goodness sake he doesn't fully understand. Fair enough if he was 6ish. With his abusive/manipulative ways I know what he's like.
Recently we had a family member tell us her ex makes their son cry on purpose just so he can then cuddle him after. I turned around to my parents and said I could imagine my ex doing this. They both agreed.

Don't shoot me I'm just giving an opinion. If the dad felt hurt he may have said it that way. Yes it's immature but it sounds as if on the whole he is giving him his time and paying for him. As he should do.

What are you going to do about it all then?

I turned around to my parents and said I could imagine my ex doing this

But he hasn't done that, has he?

You clearly can't stand the guy, fair enough, but is there any point saying he could do x,y,z? I don't get it

whichway yes I do hate the guy for what he done to me. And I'm also trying to prevent any emotional abuse coming to my son. Which I believe he's capable of

Well not much helpful advice

OP stop him in his tracks, go through CSA, tell him all contact will cease until a Court Order is in place because you will not be threatened or blackmailed full stop. And do just that. The more you let him in crawl cack the more he will do it. You left him and went into a refuge for exactly this reason. Just cut all contact, email back when needed, keep it civil, keep it all about your DC and document everything.

Like if DS doesn't give him a kiss his tone changes and he demands a kiss. DS is a toddler. You shouldn't take it personally.

Ah, right. I didn't get that bit. I understand where you're coming from now.

*Back, not cack lol

You need to set boundaries

No face time when he’s with you. He already has his time with him.

Cut him off when he says I’ll go then it’s manipulation on his part and he knows it. Just say it’s bye bye time and hang up No fuss if you can’t not do the FaceTime.

If he threatens court let him. Reduces maintenance let him.
He wants to bully and control you through your child.

You already went to a refuge.
Did you do the freedom program? Did you get and counselling? All things to look at the latter if you can afford it.

My DM said this morning it's seems he is trying to keep tabs on you. I refused the FaceTime last night. He just sent me a thumbs up, I ignored. Truth be told I am still a bit scared of him.
@dullardmullard I began a programme while I was in there but left before I finished it. I've had counselling about various things which included him too. I've been on anti depressants, for anxiety and depression. Don't take them no more though as I'm alot better than I was