Hi,
Long story. Please don’t judge me for what I’m about to say as this has been totally out of character for me and I still don’t know why I did it.
I am 47, married to a man, 57 and we have 2 children of secondary school age. I work FT and awful shifts (forced to do 12.5 hr nights three years ago plus a mix of other shifts). We have never had grandparents to help. Hubby also works shifts but not overnight. My father and MIL were RIP before we had children and my mum and FIL both died of cancer in the last 3.5 years. I had been looking after my mum as well as my children.
My work: in a professional career. Studied for higher qualifications for a role I’d always been interested in. New manager was unaware of what I’d done at work and in study and a job came up that I ended up pulling out of and was devastated. Have been messed about since (denied training, given rubbish shifts). I have tried to find another job but nothing available in my area so I have become increasingly unhappy at work. I am really struggling with nights and spend my day off (I hardly ever get 2 days off together) catching up on rest. My house is a lot messier these days.
Here’s where things started to go wrong. July 2017 after working nights for almost a year my periods stopped. Dramatically. No tailing off...they just stopped! By October 2017 my behaviour changed...I became like a wild, horny woman! I didn’t realise it at the time (what was causing it) but do now. I have had no sex life with my husband since my youngest was 12 months old so a long time! We are no more than friends. I am ashamed to say my behaviour led me to a chat site and I became involved with two men for over a year. Phone mainly but I met both (one, I slept with). One of them, I was very close to but we never had sex )close to it) and I craved this passion in my life. He knew of my work woes and was convinced I was suffering from depression and I needed to get another job. He ended it as he felt it wasn’t fair on me and I miss him terribly as I felt he was the only person I could talk to (we talked many hours on the phone for over a year). My husband shows little concern for my health and, tbh, doesn’t give a damn. I have, since, I’ve realised I may have had some sort of breakdown become very distant from my husband and hate being anywhere near him. I know this sounds terrible but he really has been if no support to me.
Our eldest child has anger management problems stemming from using the Xbox and I am on edge all the time as he shouts and gets bad tempered. Hubby has done nothing. I am sat in the car right now as I had to get out.
I have become very anxious at work and this is not like me at all. I am in a professional role and have always excelled at my career. I feel like my career is at a dead end and I’m stuck working crap hours and struggling. I have no quality of life. Occupational health and management do nothing. I have been refused a drop in hours numerous times but others seem to get flexible working at the drop of a hat.
The thing is, I want to end my marriage. I’ve told DH numerous times I am unhappy and can’t cope in this situation but he continues to bury his head in the sand. My horny behaviour settled and I did stop using chat sites but I realise I was doing it for comfort and to make myself feel better. It has been a wake up call and I realise I am not happy in my marriage. We have a loveless marriage.
I am trying to change jobs but need to keep up my salary. I have had offers but down south and I can’t afford to live there by myself (or with DH). I don’t want another mortgage at my age. I’m hoping to get another job soon to sort out my working hours as they tea have affected me badly but I think the upset at the promotion was a trigger as the manager was awful (she has left now).
However, I also feel I should end my marriage. I haven’t told hubby anything about the above. He has no idea about my change in behaviour or what I did. I really was unaware of what I was doing...like in a trance!
Has anyone ever heard of this before? Have I gone mad or is it depression? I feel like my
life is a mess and I’m being pissed on by work but hubby is unsupportive both physically and emotionally. I feel he uses me for money as he earns a lot less. As for the son, he is horrid to me when he is under Xbox control. I’ve taken it off of him but he becomes erratic and really annoying.
I dream of a new job with nice 9-5 hours and being away from this hell.
I am deeply ashamed of my behaviour and really don’t know what is wrong with me. My periods still haven’t returned but I am still working ridiculous hours.
What on earth is going on? What can I do? I can’t speak to a GP even!!!
Please don’t slate me