When I was 16 I got into a relationship with a controlling man who I married and had two children with. When I turned 30 it was like a lightbulb went off and I finally got sick of having my phone checked, my diary read and the sulks every time I wanted to do something that involved dressing up and going out with friends instead of him.
It took me 18 months to gather the courage to leave him and I didn’t do it in the best way. I snapped one evening and just told him.
Breaking up, him forcing me to leave my home and build a new one from scratch with no money (he chose to work minimal hours and claim all the tax credits for the children. He threatened not to pay the mortgage on our house if I didn’t let him do this). I had to work lots of hours and missed out on time with my children.
We now have a much more (on the surface) amicable relationship. He moved on quickly and has a new partner, we sold the house and got divorced so he now longer has a financial hold over me. We share custody of the children which I find difficult as I don’t feel like a proper mother to them knowing he has them 3.5 days of the week.
Life has improved dramatically for me. I got promoted, have an interesting and better paid job, have a (rented) home with all my own furniture in, and have a wonderful relationship with my children that I was never allowed to have when I was married due to EXH jealousy.
The other thing I have now is a lovely boyfriend. He is poles apart from my EXH. He encourages me to have my own hobbies and friendship groups, he cares about my emotional well-being and actively listens to and tries to help with my problems. He’s aware of everything I went through and is sensitive to my feelings. He’s also developed a wonderful relationship with my children and actively takes part in helping them develop. He’s not perfect, I absolutely see his faults, but he’s a good person who is fun and interesting and he cares about me.
(Sorry, I know this is long) We’ve reached a point now where we’re planning to move in together. We’ve been together two years, he was introduced to the children a year ago. Both our tenancies are up in the summer and it just makes sense.
I’m absolutely terrified. I’m frightened that it won’t work out. I’m frightened I’ll damage my children by moving them in with someone then it not working. I’m frightened that I won’t be in control.
I’m frightened that he would dearly love another child and, whilst we’re young enough and in a good financial position to do so, what if it doesn’t work out and I’m left in the same horrifying position as last time?
I’m waiting for counselling (appointment in 3 weeks) and have had it before. Counsellor was lovely before and validated my feelings of guilt for my children, but realistically they can’t get rid of my fear.
I don’t know what to do and I’m afraid. Please could someone have some wise words for me?