Friend's DP - bad vibes

[Themysterymachine]

NC for this

Not sure where to post. Wondering if I can get some advice.

Friend has been with her DP for maybe 6 months. Since being with him I do feel like she's changed as a person slightly (as in values seem different, some things that have been said/language used have shocked me) but that is what it is and I won't hold it against her, she's my friend.

What I do find odd are the vibes I get from the DP. Seems nice but also tense. Every now and then there will be outbursts of relatively unprovoked anger which then get reeled back in. Seems like a very intolerant person.

I'm really uncomfortable in his company. Something really doesn't sit right.

How do I maintain my friendship when the idea of being in the DPs company makes me anxious? They seem to come as a pair all the time.

And although they have not been together long I really can't see him going anywhere before anyone says that

Keep the lines of communication open and be there if she needs you.

I met a friend's new love and had an instant prickle of distrust and unease. Bad feeling about him continued to grow and then when they were away on holiday of a lifetime he snapped.

He grabbed and smashed her phone, tore up her passport, manhandled her and locked her in their hotel room all the while threatening her and sneering at her. The police were called by the hotel and she was removed and taken to a safe place where they made arrangements for her to get home again with emergency passport and funds. She was an emotional wreck when she got home and it took her a while to trust again.

Trust your gut!

Oh gosh @Stifledgut that sounds so scary for your poor friend. It is amazing what gut instinct can tell you.
The feeling of distrust and unease is exactly how I feel about this person.

I really hope for her sake I don't turn out to be right.

I lost a friend in similar circumstances. At first it was small things such as F-ing and blinding in almost every sentence, something that she had never done previously until she met this guy, I only called her up on it once and she laughed it off.

Then came the racism and that was it for me. She couldn't see it but he had completely warped her mind and changed her into someone I didn't recognise.

These bursts of "relatively unprovoked anger", do you mean that he does this in front of you?? That is weird in front of people he barely knows.

And presumably when it is just them he is much worse? Scary thought.

I would try to engineer a meeting with her just the two of you to try and see if she is ok. It is not reasonable that he always accompany her. That is smothering and probably controlling.

Chamomile yes in front of me. He will be sat chatting all nice and smiles and then will find a reason to snap at something, go from 0 to 10, then back to how he was. I find it odd and it makes me uncomfortable.
His eyes always seem to give away a different emotion than the rest of his face. I worry what he will be like in a year's time or when they have children (which they have been trying for for a little while).

She likes the fact they do everything together because the relationship is so new. I think it's how she prefers it to be right now.

you say they have been ttc for a while and have only been together for 6 months. was it his idea. that is what controlling men do.

Trying for a child already, that seems bizarre. Are they living together? Way too fast.

I echo what PPs are saying:

• VERY soon (c.6 months) to start trying for a child.

• Also sounds like he's ensuring initial control by not giving her free access to her friends alone. Before too long she'll be cut off from individual independent friends.

• it will get worse when pregnant and on maternity leave/is a SAHM.

She does see some friends alone I think, but just not me. I do think he might be the controlling type though just from the way he speaks.
TTC was her idea. Have discussed this with her because of how soon in to their relationship they have started.

I know I sound like Nancy Drew but this is really important:

does he let her see her other mates solo?

Look, I sympathise as I’ve been here and it’s awful. You have to hang on in there to an extent and ride it out as your instincts are probably correct; I completely believe that women don’t listen to their intuition enough never mind dismissing it as paranoia or jealousy.

Unless you are the type of person who has a proven track record of reading those types of situation wrong trust your gut and get ready to be on hand should it all go pear shaped.

Op, you saying that his eyes give away a different emotion than the rest of his face is very telling. I believe your gut feeling is right and that he is very bad news. You're very observant. Not sure how you can help your friend, but PPs have given good advice.

Would just echo what everyone else says really. I'm really frightened for your friend given what you've said.

does he let her see her other mates solo?

I think she sees one friend alone but he has connections with that friend whereas I'm 'new'. Not sure about others.

Unfortunately my track record for reading/judging characters is very good. It can take a little while to come to light but I have called these things before. I also am worried and have no idea if there's anything I can do to help other than be on standby just in case, and be on the other end of the phone if I am ever needed.

Meanwhile is it inappropriate for me to avoid spending much time with this guy?