Been together with my live-in boyfriend for 2,5 years, no children, age 30. I feel I’ve created a bad, unhealthy dynamic in our relationship, and I do not know how to raise the issue, how to even find the correct wording for the issue. I know I’m not happy with the situation, but I do not know how to approach it. Basically, I think the correct wording is that he lacks proactive approach and it makes me feel he just waits for me to entertain him and tell him what to do. I find it difficult to talk to him about it, because I can’t find the right words to make him understand what I feel. It is even difficult to write about it. Perhaps someone can help me to figure out what it actually is that is bugging me, whether it is a valid concern and whether it is solvable somehow?
I feel I am much more active than he is, more impatient, more quick thinker and at same time require more planning ahead, I like to talk about future plans and plan my activities, think out loud and discuss.
He is laid back, rather spontaneous, let’s-go-with-the-flow type of guy and he has not much going on in his life. Basically he goes to work, comes home, reads news and articles, watches youtube and TV and wants to share and discuss basically everything he reads-watches with me. He also likes to cook, but does it only during weekend and while he says he really enjoys it he usually sticks with easy and his/our favourite foods. He likes to go out of the house to museums, different events, shopping or even just for a walk, but he does it only with me, because he is not keen on inviting his other few friends nor do it alone. He also does not attend gym or do anything alone outside the house. But it is his desire and need to go out so he heavily relies on me for this need to be satisfied. Most of the time, nothing fires a spark in his eyes, he shows no interest in other activities, he is not thrilled about anything really.
I have more varying interests, I would say, though I am no active social butterfly etc. I have joined a sport group, I meet with my friends (not often though), I try to participate in some online courses sometimes, I try to read, I also like to watch some TV and read news and articles, I also love to improve the house – it’s a small house, but does need some things to be done and I really enjoy it. I even like to do large-scale cleaning a few times a year – it’s really a joy to me. I sometimes want to try sewing or do other DIY projects – not often, but if I get an idea, I am all fired up and thrilled and can’t wait to do it. I also like to go out of the house but I do not have so high need for it as he does, sometimes I’d rather stay in and clean or sew or whatever.
So, the dynamic currently is that I feel that outside of work, his needs are spending time with me and eating. As he has nothing else going on, he would like to spend a lot of time with me, but has now accepted that he cannot have my full attention all the time. My needs are varying, as described above. So the dynamic usually is that during work days I go to my sport group or we spend time watching tv or I try to discuss something or I do some course or read or try to find a way to do something together. He just waits for me to finish whatever I’m doing or waits for me to suggest what we should do together. When the weekend arrives, on Saturday and on Sunday morning he starts to think what he would like to do outside and I just organise my stuff around his desires. Basically, I already know that it goes like this most of the weekends and in my head I plan that: “we go outside and do something” and then I will do this and that and then we will eat and then I do this and that and then I will give him company or suggest something to do together because he has again waited for me to finish my stuff. He rarely plans ahead, he never asks about my things and when would I like to do my things. I sometimes do not feel like going out on both days during weekend, because there is so much things I’d like to do at home, but I accept that it is important to him, so I always go. I also plan things to do, offer events to go, ask on weekend mornings what he would like to do during the day, where he’d like to go etc. But he never asks me about my stuff. He never asks how my things are going and when I would like to do something. He never says like “Hey, you said you’d like to sew the dress. Why don’t you do that on Saturday and we can go out on the evening after that?”. Instead, he says on the morning “Hey, let’s go out and find something to do” and that’s it.
What hurts me the most is the fact that he shows no proactive interest in projects around the house and even future plans, he never initiates these discussions and never keeps them going later. For example, we have discussed repairing bathroom and balcony, I have suggested these ofcourse. I heavily rely on his opinion and his participation, because he knows the stuff and has good skills and for me, this is also a good way to spend time together, to achieve something together. We have managed to put in place plans how we would approach the repairs. It is not exactly easy to discuss these plans with him also, because he gets offended rather easily if I do not agree with him or suggest something else. Anyway, still it all is dependent on me. If I raise the topic, then we discuss, if I tell him let’s go shopping for paint, then we will go etc. I could do these things alone or hire a professional, but I’d love to do it with him. It feels to me that for him these things are not important and thus he puts no thought into these things.
I have talked to him a few times previously about his lack of initiative and proactive approach, but it seems we do not understand each other. he says I am basically impatient, he needs more time to think and he needs to think the whole plan ready in his head until he is able to tell me his thoughts.
I feel like I put in effort to accompany him in the things he likes to do and I also try to be proactive by suggesting things to do, also ask about his work projects etc. But he rarely does the same.
For me it feels like he just comes home, sits on the couch and waits for me to sit by his side and listen to all his stories he read and watched and then wait for the weekend to come so he can go out and do something with me and then eat and then just watch tv again and wait until I do my things and then he can again share all his stories he watched or read. If I specifically tell him or ask him, then he is willing to do some home stuff.
He never says like “Hey, why don’t we go and buy the bathroom paint?” or “Hey, you wanted to sew a dress but you haven’t started yet, why not?” or “Hey, you talked about a difficult work project, how is it going?”, or “Hey, so I was thinking about the balcony, why don’t we do it like this or that?” (he only says what he has thought about if I ask him to do, and oftentimes if I ask, he has not thought about a topic at all or has dismissed the idea and didn’t bother to tell me that).
I could live with it right now, given that he is good, loving, caring, cleans, cooks, has good knowledge about a lot of topics etc. But I am scared that if we have children, I’d end up with a massive emotional labour burden and I’d like to prevent it. I’d like him to notice things around the house, to actively participate in plans, to proactively offer that this or that should be done, to be interested in other stuff than only hanging around in town or so etc (which is great of course, I love going out with him and discovering new places and things, but it seems that this is the only thing he is interested in doing). I'd like him to ask about my thoughts and dreams and things going on. Like to actually feel like we are a team and he is interested in the things we have planned, instead of just waiting for me to tell him when we should to the things we have planned. We have discussed these things previously, but nothing changes.
I guess I have developed such dynamic, because as I have so many things I’d like to do all the time and he has not, then everything revolves around my stuff and I tell when I do this or that. And as he has nothing else going on, then it seems kind of logical that I tell when I do this and when we do this. But it feels so wrong after being in such dynamic for more than a year.