Would you tell your friend how her DH feels?

[Florencenotflo]

A bit complicated but me and DH are best friends with another couple. We socialise together a lot, go on holiday every year etc so we are quite close. In the 10 years we have known each other Me and my friend have never discussed her relationship or marriage (so I don't know her feelings on any of this). They have been together 25+ years and have two teen dc's.

They have a bit of an unconventional relationship in that they have sort of separate lives, they are more like friends than a couple. They do things together when it involves their kids or a wider group of friends, but don't go away alone or even have lunch/dinner alone together. They don't do things together, they don't have any shared interests past the kids. There is no public affection (which I know isn't everyone's cup of tea) I don't go snogging my DH's face off, but will stand next to him, touch his arm/hand etc. Just small things.

The H of the couple has mentioned to DH when they've been on their own, that they only have sex once a year. But they always seemed happy, they've been together for nearly 30 years so must be doing something right!!

But recently, the H has said a few things to DH that he's now told me, more because he's worried about his friend (thinks he may be depressed). But he's said a few times that now the kids are older he's not sure he can be bothered to stay with his DW, his life is boring now. But said he's not sure he can afford to leave (house not worth loads, not enough to start over again). It's probably better to stay and be unhappy than it is to leave. But DH said last night he was talking and he's worried that his friend is thinking of having an affair. There isn't anyone in the picture (that he is sure of) but he was saying he's had offers over the years from women and he's always been faithful. But if the offer was there he wouldn't hesitate in taking the offer now.

Do I tell my friend? I feel awful knowing all this and not saying anything. But could it make the situation worse? I said to DH that it sounds like a mid life crisis almost. Should I keep my nose out or let her know what he's said?

No definitely domt say anything, it would be like poking a hornets nest

Just keep out of it.
If she wanted to discuss her marriage with you - she’d have done it in the past 10 years.
Whatever arrangement they have works for her.
Clearly - if they live like roommates and not romantic partners - it’s not a surprise to either of them that it’s not a normal marriage. Or a marriage at all. And expectations of fidelity isn’t the same as if it were.
You don’t need to rub her face into it.

Do not say anything. Not your monkeys, not your circus.

DO NOTHING!

I repeat...DO NOTHING!

People often moan to their friends about their relationship when they are going through a bad patch or feeling down but don't necessarily mean it...they're just getting it off their chest. You don't need to understand their relationship or get involved.

FGS, stay well out.

@MMmomDD I only mentioned that she had never discussed her marriage with me in the sense that I have no idea what her stance or feelings are. She may well be ok with it.

Ok, I'll keep my nose out. I feel like I'm being disloyal though. What if he does have an affair and 6 months down the line it all hits the fan and she ends up hurt. I'd feel like I could have helped her avoid that if I'd warned her?

No, you don’t have that kind of relationship and you would be breaching her H’s confidence, and he hasn’t done anything wrong (yet).

I would suggest your DH heavily suggests he talked to his wife.

Say nothing at all ever.

The H confided in your husband who should never have discussed this with you. But as he has then I would resolve this by supporting your DH in giving the H good advice. Which frankly is to end the marriage. However advising him to have counselling and / or to be honest with his wife is a start.

As to the W, she would have to be gobsmackingly stupid to not know that their marriage has problems. The lack of affection and a sex life alone. There is nothing you can constructively do. They both need to face up to the problems they know they have.

Cross post, the best way you can help her is to encourage them to have better communication between themselves. That’s all.

Stay well out of it.

I don't think she could be too surprised if he did have an affair!
What an odd set up.

What if he does have an affair and 6 months down the line it all hits the fan and she ends up hurt

What if he doesn't and you potentially bustle in and bugger up her marriage now?

It works for them @Dieu

@LaMarschallin very good point. Maybe he was just venting to DH.

I won't say anything, but I don't think my DH was wrong to tell me. He's just as worried as I am.

And he could well not have an affair and think better of it but you have gone and spoke to her about a second hand conversation. He may we'll have had offers in the past - doesn't mean he is getting offers now.

I would imagine all couple's go through times of relationship evaluation as their circumstances change. I think that is normal.

But it's not working for him, clearly, or he wouldn't be considering an affair.

Sex once a year isn't healthy or normal.

You mustn't say anything to the wife, but your H can say something to the man.

Points:

his unhappiness, sense of being unloved, wish for more sex, boredom etc are very real and not to be mocked. However:

1. having an affair is a deeply unethical way of behaving, in order to solve a problem.
2. it involves lies and deceit and intimate betrayal.
3. it is ultimately, having needs met WHILST GETTING THE BENEFITS OF MONOGAMY (everyone forgets that bit) through the deceit of pretending monogamy, which the other person is assuming. There is a word for that. Fraud.
4. It sucks energy away from the marriage. It takes his time, attention, physical presence, mental presence, ££ away. He will NOT be able to hide it from the one person who knows him better than anyone. She will pick this up. Instantly. Not a nanosecond will go by before her 'gut feel' gets activated. How many times do we see this on this forum, and despite the naive scoffers, how many times is it right? It is always right.
5. Because of 4., HE WILL BE FOUND OUT.
6. Too late, he will discover that none of it was worth it because he has trashed what he was bored and lonely in. You cannot unring that bell once the trust is gone.
7. Because his feelings are real and valid, he actually has a responsibility to ethically address them. He can:

a) open his mouth b) write a letter c) book counselling d) suggest an open marriage if she doesn't want to change e) engage a divorce lawyer.

Sadly, all these options involve taking responsibility, owning his part to play and none of them come with a secret exciting side dish electrical charge.
But she cannot negotiate on what she is unaware of, so he has a duty to communicate.

It isn't normal no, but it's between them.

Very awkward for you OP, I feel for you. But so sensitive for them, and this may be crunch time. Maybe they will have some sort of set to and it will all come out, maybe they will split, maybe that will end up being for the best? Up to them. I'd say nothing.

I was once in a conversation with my ex's mum who told me some family history that my partner didn't know, about his own dad. I felt wrong knowing something he didn't ever know. But I didn't ever tell him and I still hold that info. It isn't for me to tell and his mum perhaps ought not to have told me, but we got on so well she obviously felt she wanted to.

It would be a genuine ethical dilemma if you knew for certain he was actually having an affair, then you'd have to seriously consider whether to tell her or whether given the fact she never discusses her marriage with you etc she might even know but not want to bring it into the open during a conversation with you...

However all you know is that he's talking about theoretical ifs then maybes with your husband in confidence. Considering getting involved sounds more salacious than worried.

A lot of sense and some nonsense on this thread.

Do nothing, say nothing. Nobody outside a marriage understands the myriad ways of living that make that marriage work for them.

The relationship you have with the wife suggests that while you may be friends your relationship is not a close or confiding one. Say nothing but be there as a friend if she does ever feel the need to confide.

As a by the by to the poster who said sex once a year isn't normal, that's just not true for a lot of longstanding marriages. A problem arises if one or other of the couple isn't happy about it. If both are fine with that level of intimacy there is no problem - it's not unusual for sex to take a back seat for a while, sometimes forever, and that's ok if they're both ok with it.

We are friends with a couple who the man is living a double life. He talks to my H and my H tells me, because we tell each other everything. I'm sure the friend has no idea I know, but that's because he can't conceive of a close bond like ours where there are no secrets. Our loyalty is to each other and it's not my place to tell the wife any of what I know. I'm sure she must be somewhat aware but is astoundingly incurious, which seems to make their long marriage work very well. They have a great life together when he's here and she chooses not to wonder too much about his life when he's 'there'.

It's not that uncommon.

I don't think my DH was wrong to tell me
Your husband needs to learn to keep his trap shut when a friend confides in him about something so personal and private.
If he was worried about an affair then he should have had that discussion with his friend.

Currently there isnt anything to tell your friend.

I would tell DH NOT to discuss it further with you as, if you find out he does have an affair, you will possibly tell the friend. Then its also up to your DH as to whether he tells the guy he doesnt want to know (because he doesnt want to be put in a position of keeping things from you or his friends wife).

I agree. Stay out.