NC as I’m paranoid. Sorry that this might get long. I was going to post in AIBU but then realised here was possibly a better place!
Background so not to drip feed: Been with H since childhood (25 years). We have 3 DC He runs family business that has been through incredible stress financially and emotionally in that time. Family are dysfunctional and introverted. His upbringing was peculiar. He has no hobbies or interests.
I was polar opposite. Not particularly happy as a child, extremely badly bullied at school. Have suffered several unthinkable tragedies but have a robust and forward outlook. However I am an emotional, social and creative type.
I have always had a passion for music. I am a musician myself and it’s a pretty large part of my life and identity. H isn’t particularly supportive or interested. But he’s like that with everything.
I have been very fortunate to have had the opportunity to spend time in the past with some musicians who have inspired me greatly. I’ve made great friends with people who have also been involved.
Then when H decided I’ve had enough he comes along and “bans” me from having anything to do with it. (I should add here that I am a SAH mum. Due to his traditional views and being with him from a young age I gave up any form of career when I graduated and fell pregnant with DS1. So with that comes absolutely zero financial independence. He’s often never here and I’ve done most of bringing up the kids by myself.)
Over the years I have backed down and submitted to his demands. (There have been MANY occasions where he dictates what’s acceptable and what’s not.) I’ve tried to include him in my involvement every time and he’s just backed off because he decides he hates all of the people involved. It’s then that he demands that I withdraw and gets pretty nasty about it.
Anyway we’ve been through this several times through the years and it always hurts me but I’ve been resigned to keeping the peace. However it happened again about 6 months ago, and this time I’ve REFUSED to back down.
This has caused so much stress. H is under strain at work (more than usual at this point) I’m aware that my support of him is important. I have ALWAYS been loving, supportive, faithful and considerate. But this time his verbal abuse and controlling behaviour forced me into depression and anxiety and I ended up on anti depressants. He knows his behaviour has pushed me to this point but he denies any acknowledgement. It’s still me, in his eyes, who is wrong.
At one point he was stalking me on social media to keep a check on me, I wasn’t allowed to comment on certain posts or interact with certain friends. He’s told me I’m not allowed to go to another concert again. He’s called me a pathetic mother, a cunt, told me I’m s bitch and that it’s my fault he’s so unhappy. He’s incredibly insecure and I feel that he takes this out on me and my interests.
He exploded at me again yesterday after insulting my appearance directly relating to the incident from 6 months ago. I was incredibly hurt and he refuses to apologise.
I’m getting to the point where I’m completely exasperated by his behaviour. However I’m not sure if it is me that’s wrong? I don’t think it is. As I say I’ve always been faithful and supportive to him but I feel he’s always had some control over me.
Up until yesterday I was finally managing to regain some trust in him. Now it’s gone again! Am I really in the wrong? I feel I’m now at a stage in life where I really shouldn’t be told what to do, but he constantly makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable and I need to seek his approval before I do anything! He knows he controls me financially so I have little choice. Then he makes me feel guilty. He crushes me with his overbearing opinions on what I should and shouldn’t do, and I do think it stems back to the way he was brought up.