My mother, her mother and I - repeating past patterns

[TakenForSlanted]

My maternal grandmother passed away quite a few years ago now. I had a brilliant relationship with her, but her daughter, my mum, did not. In fact, their relationship was full of resentment until the end.

One of the things my mum always struggled with was her mother, my grandmother, insisting she was going to die young and may not be around for much longer. There was an underlying health issue that made this somewhat feasible - but I understand why my mum found it a dreadful thing to go through and that it'd affect her relationship with her mum to grow up hearing every day that mummy was going to drop dead at any moment now.

Fast forward to last year, and my mother - who's always been in perfect health - suffers a major hypertensive crisis at age 60 and spends a week in ICU, during which we all don't know if she'll make it.

Ever since this happened, mum hasn't been the same. In fact, she's been her mother. She keeps on going on about how she won't make it to 80 and expects to drop dead before she hits 70 even.

It's having a massive effect on me. I do have a sister, but we're both expats. I live on the Continent, my sister's overseas. And I'm the grown-up, responsible daughter.

Suddenly, I can see very clearly why my mum struggled so much with her own mother doing the "dead any moment" routine. I feel guilt-ridden for not being around every waking moment. I also feel guilty for making any plans at all that I can't change at a moment's notice. My relationship with my mum has changed completely from one where we were, at last, both responsible adults (with her being the wiser, older part and me being the ambitious youngster) to one where she will refuse to engage in conversation about things I would like or plan to do as "she won't be around for it anyway". She makes no plans of her own.

It's really taking a toll not only on our relationship but, I feel, on her well-being as a whole. I've asked her so many times now to seek counseling for what I think may, essentially, be some form of depression. She refuses and says it's just natural that we all die and for her it's going to be sooner.

The truth is: just like she struggled with her own mother doing the very same thing, I find it hard to cope with the constant reminders that she may (or may not; she's doing very well on her medication, physically speaking) drop dead any moment. I'm really not okay centering my life around my mother's "imminent" death.

WWYD?

ETA, I guess what bothers me and used to bother my mum is that it feels, well, manipulative, for the lack of a better description.

It's as though our whole relationship has started to center around her dying. Which, if it were in fact true, would obviously be the number one priority in any daughter's life.

Except, for all we know, it's just not true. But I still feel horrible for not acting as though, because to her it would seem to be.

Have you mentioned to her that she's doing exactly what her own mother did?

It's likely she got the shock of her life and her immortality has hit her. Give her some time to get back into her stride and she might find a new lease of life.

Both my parents are convinced they'll live to be 100.

My mum was recently diagnosed with a life limiting condition and her behaviour has changed dramatically. She's so snappy and argumentative, but then I suppose when your mortality is put into focus it's a massive shock.
I'm trying to just ignore it. I know that I might only have another few years with my mum, and don't want to spend them in a bad way.
It's so hard, it's scary for me, but imagine own scary it must be for her, to be told that you aren't going to live forever, that death (and a painful lead up to it) are getting ever closer.

I have. It's one of the things I brought up when I pointed out that I thought she needed help coping with her mental response to her very physical crisis.

She just doesn't see it. In fact, she thinks it's completely different because she actually has something physically wrong with her (hypertension, medicated. A lot of people do - her own father survived six heart attacks). In all fairness: so did my grandmother, who had only one lung after suffering with TB as a youngster (and going on to live a physically active life and giving birth to two children).

And, yes, I get that it must be horrifying to have to come to terms with your own mortality.
I adore my mum. She's always been my rock. But, TBH, I'm in no way qualified to fix this one for her. I'm a consultant by profession and would naturally gravitate towards compiling a spreadsheet with a compelling argument for why living your life to the fullest no matter what has the optimal pay-off. Which is not what human psychology works like. At all. Hence my suggestion that she seek professional help.

Although this does sound very annoying, it's not as bad as what your grandmother did because it seems from your post that she did it from a much younger age, when her daughter was still a child, whereas your mum is 60 and suddenly feeling old.

Just ignore it OP. Sorry, I know that's harder than it sounds, but it's the only possible approach. Stop feeling guilty - you're doing nothing wrong. Don't put your life on hold in any way. Find a sentence to say to your mum whenever she brings up the subject ("You'll be with us for a good few years yet!") and repeat it over and over whenever necessary. Accept it as an irritating trait of your mum's that has developed as she's got older - in the same way that mine repeats herself and gets anxious about minor things in a way she never would have as a younger woman.

I’m sorry but I think you’re not being very sympathetic to your mum. She’s had a major illness, presumably a near death experience if she was in ICU for a week, and this happened less than a year ago? It is totally normal to feel depressed, stressed and anxious after such an experience. You should be reassuring her that she is getting better and will be ok, not getting upset with her about how her experience is affecting you.

Please read up on depression after a serious illness, you may understand her behaviour better.

Welcome to my merry circle of hell, OP.
My mum’s mum laid the ‘I’ll be dead soon’card thick for as long as I remember. They had an awful relationship. She did die of a massive coronary, but before that she had a stroke. My mum has a sister, my gran lived with her, did all the childcare for her etc. My mum didn’t take that kindly and never forgave my gran. Gran used to play that card: oh, I’ll be dead soon and you’ll regret xyz. So when gran had a stroke, my aunt was useless and my mum did not want to know. I ended up caring for her.
My mum’s not old, she’s in her 60s, I’m in my 40’s. And an expat. I too said I will not care for her. Because I’m abroad, but also because she made it clear what she thinks of me. My brothers inherit everything they (my parents) own. I don’t get a share of the wealth, the plan for me was to inherit the caring for them in old age bit. Because I emigrated, that rendered me useless, so I’m out of the will. So I smiled at my embarassed brothers and wished them luck 😂. Mum is now calling distraught that she misses us (me and DD), that she is going to die soon etc. Turns out my brothers are ‘boys’ and don’t understand.

So yes, I understand you, OP. I’m not sure what the solution is.
For now I decided to make this into a positive lesson for my DD. So we visit once a year, I call once a month, mum calls more often. I talk my teenage DD through the whole situation, so she can understand the blackmail and not fall for it, but at the same time be human and empathetic.

I don’t feel guilty, she is trying to make me feel guilty and not succeeding, I’m afraid. I talk to her as a friend and let her know when she’s too needy. I mock her self pitying and remind her of the good things in her life. But I am not emotionally involved.

No, I'm not saying that it's anywhere near as bad as what my grandmother did. She managed to keep this up for 5 decades, after all ...

... and, yes, I get the depression angle. What I'm saying is: I'm in no way qualified or otherwise capable of fixing that for her. And I'm struggling because she seems to be insisting that I give it attention but refusing any actually constructive suggestions (i.e. taking it to someone who can actually help).

Also, I'm just so sad for my lovely mum. The old her would have hated the thought of her doing something she resented so very, very much.

While you are right to suggest counselling, the only thing you have control of is your own actions and responses to things. Perhaps seek out counselling for yourself so you can ensure you are equipped to deal with the situation. I think you would get a great benefit from it as you seem like a very reflective and self aware person.

I don’t think it’s the same. Your grandmother had no major health crisis yet went on for years and years. Your mother has had a recent and serious health crisis and now feels anxious. I would too tbh.

It sounds like she may have post-intensive care syndrome. (PICS).

My dad had it after nearly dying.

I agree with Frith2013. She spent time in Intensive Care, where "it was all about her". Her ill-health was front and centre , 24/7 for a week . She was constantly attended by the staff, and all around her were reminders of sickness and death. That experience can linger , long after the person goes home . It's known as post-intensive care syndrome , and it can really affect people for ages afterwards.

I'd suggest that she would benefit from seeing a counsellor . it might help her to get things into perspective and lessen her ideas of imminent death. Good luck !

I'm in no way qualified or otherwise capable of fixing that for her. And I'm struggling because she seems to be insisting that I give it attention but refusing any actually constructive suggestions

As someone else said counselling for you may be an idea. You cannot fix it, even if you lived next door to her instead of overseas, you cannot fix it.
What you can do is just listen and sympathise with her “mum, I understand why you feel like this, you’ve been through so much and it must be awful for you”.
Also suggest she goes for counselling. When my mum has a heart attack she was given some sessions of therapy, they really helped her come to terms with what had happened to her.

Hmmmm ... yes, counselling for myself is something I will consider. I fully realise that, apart from her obviously struggling, this is an issue of me having a difficult time coping with my guilt (but also, categorically, not wanting to move to a village and run the local computer shop just to please and resent mum).

PICS. I'd never heard of it. But a cursory glance sounds a lot like mum. And like my own failure to cope, actually. So thanks a lot, those who mentioned it.