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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Arrgh! Stupid mistake!

28 replies

Rocketdogs · 06/05/2019 00:58

My ex just walked in the door pissed and talking shit and refused to get out until I called 999.
Why did I not check the door was locked? I thought it was.

Why when he rang me five minutes later did I answer and question myself when he asked me to let him back in and let him sleep on the sofa? Why does a tiny bit of me still wonder if I'm being mean for locking him out in the night?

I think he might still be out there lurking about.

We haven't seen him for 7 weeks. I got complacent.

OP posts:
rededucator · 06/05/2019 01:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LondonNiki · 06/05/2019 01:19

Please ensure your lock is fastened and that he doesn't have a key.

You're not responsible for him so please stop feeling that and keep safe.

AutumnCrow · 06/05/2019 01:28

What was the police advice, about him lurking about?

Original poster
Rocketdogs · 06/05/2019 01:34

I thought I had locked it. It's one where you have to lock it with a key not like a Yale lock. The keys were in the door. I thought I had locked it. The keys were in the door I must not have turned them or checked properly.

I said it was a stupid mistake red but thanks for that Hmm I hope it makes you feel really clever.

The door is definitely locked now. I was watching Line of Duty and then fell asleep on the sofa so I hadn't done like a final check before going to bed like I normally would have.

He hasn't bothered seeing our dc for seven weeks, he hasn't paid a penny. It's been a struggle but I've got on with it and we've been happy despite everything. I had obviously relaxed too much and got complacent. I know it was stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rocketdogs · 06/05/2019 01:37

I don't know why but the call cut off as I was talking to them. Then he thankfully walked out and I locked the door.

The police called me straight back which was good and I said he had gone so they said ok you don't need us then and I was just relieved he was out so I agreed.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 06/05/2019 01:43

You can ring the police back any time and say you're worried. They should do a risk assessment of he's got form.

Original poster
Rocketdogs · 06/05/2019 01:55

He's never been violent or threatened me in that way. I never that of it as an abusive relationship or that I was being abused at all.
It was only when I eventually spoke to someone at my dcs school and she referred me to IDAS? Sorry if that's spelt wrong. And they spent a lot of time talking to me about emotional and financial abuse that I started to think about it that way.
The same again when I went to CA about rent arrears and they gave me a leaflet about domestic abuse and a telephone number disguised as a bar code.
And I still find it hard to accept. I don't know why.

I can hear him tapping on the door. I don't want to call the police if he's not kicking off. Why do I have this fear about not wanting to cause a fuss or rock the boat?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rocketdogs · 06/05/2019 02:00

He did this once a while ago. Not long after I made him leave.
But that time the door was locked so he couldn't walk in. After a while he got really angry and started kicking the doors and yelling and then he threw something at the window and I thought it was going to break so I called the police. They found him asleep on the trampoline in the back garden.
They just took him to where he was staying.
That's what he said tonight "Call them I don't care, they will just give me a lift home"

OP posts:
Alicewond · 06/05/2019 02:44

Could you take out an injunction against him?

Original poster
Rocketdogs · 06/05/2019 03:12

Honestly I don't know. I don't know how to do it.
He was saying he wanted to see the dc. I am very unreasonable to point out that he hasn't bothered for 7 weeks and he hasn't paid a penny for them. That he can't turn up drunk at 1am and see them.
He said he is not paying for dc he doesn't see! But it's his choice not to see them.
The only time I have ever refused is when he's drunk!

He only says he wants to see them when he's drunk and it's the middle of the night because he wants somewhere to stay.
It's so infuriating and sad for the dc Sad

OP posts:
Acis · 06/05/2019 03:57

Is he still knocking, OP?

Maybe get your lock changed for a Yale one?

Original poster
Rocketdogs · 06/05/2019 07:01

At 2am I thought I might as well put Game of Thrones on to cover the knocking. I managed to fall asleep after that.
He's just woken me up knocking! He's been there all night!
He is sober now so I've let him in and left him down stairs. He can see the dc when they wake up.

I'm in a HA house they put new doors and windows in not long ago. I could ask about changing to a safer door but I don't have much hope.
When I went to CAB to ask for help with speaking to the HA about the rent arrears, the CAB man explained on the phone about how he believed I had been emotionally and financially abused and that it was due to his gambling debts but I had managed to get exdp out of the house and change my bank card and kept it somewhere safe. He said I'd taken all the right steps to protect myself and wanted to work hard to put things right.

My account manager was very unsympathetic and quite aggressive on the phone. Even the CAB man was taken aback. So I'm not sure they would be up for letting me change the doors.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rocketdogs · 06/05/2019 07:15

I just want to say that thankfully the dc slept through last night. If he had been loud or aggressive or had woken up and scared them I would have called the police again.
It was just a constant irritating tapping.

He will be absolutely fine to see them today now he's sobered up.

I didn't want to call 999 if it wasn't an actual emergency. They have told me to call though if it happens.
I find it really hard though to not feel like I'm causing a fuss or overreacting. I constantly wrestle with what is the right way to deal with him for my dcs sake.

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/05/2019 07:21

I think you should talk to women's aid and/or the police dv unit and seek court protective measures.
He could be prevented from approaching your house, even, and the police could take him just from being around it.

Who is to know if he won't do something really regrettable one of these days?

HeavenlyEyes · 06/05/2019 07:59

I agre with Lweji. I don't think you comprehend how bad he is? 2 agencies have told you this let you have let him in to see the children this morning?

Please do get him out of your house. I also suggest you do the Freedom Programme.

But for today get the police and get him out.

And later you need to get a lawyer and a CSA case too.

aprilshowers12 · 06/05/2019 08:17

Each and every time you let him in you are giving him the message that if he kicks off for long enough he will get his own way, much like a toddler. If you do not want this situation to continue you have to ride out the door banging, tell him once only to go away and if he doesn't you phone the police. It will only take you doing this properly once or twice before he stops. The ball's in your court, you're in your home and it needs to be a safe place for you and your children.You say he's never been violent but he's kicked your door in temper, that's violence.

Original poster
Rocketdogs · 06/05/2019 08:34

Hi, thank you all I guess I thought him being out there all night in the cold was sending him a message.

OP posts:
aprilshowers12 · 06/05/2019 08:36

The only message he's getting is if he does it long enough you give in. If he really wants to see his children he can make an arrangement in advance which suits you all. I'd imagine he won't bother

HeavenlyEyes · 06/05/2019 09:33

OP do you understand what DV actually is? Financial and emotional abuse are valid types. You need to read up on these and see what is actually going on here. And you need to protect your children from him. Have you seen a solicitor, spoken to Women's Aid, logged this with your GP?

ElloBrian · 06/05/2019 09:39

You need to stop letting him in. All you’re doing is teaching him that if he carries on for long enough you’ll give in. That’s a very dangerous position to put yourself in.

ElloBrian · 06/05/2019 09:40

And you need to log each and every incident with the police. As a matter of great importance.

Guavaf1sh · 06/05/2019 09:53

Letting him in was a mistake

opticaldelusion · 06/05/2019 10:17

You don't buy time with your children! Seeing them and financially supporting them are entirely unconnected. Contact the CMS so that he starts paying proper maintenance.

I think you should take advice from women's aid or similar. If he's abusive and won't leave you alone you can get a non-molestation order.

LannieDuck · 06/05/2019 10:35

Has he apologised or acknowledged that his actions last night were unreasonable?

HeavenlyEyes · 06/05/2019 10:47

Him apologising is irrelevant? He is an abuser and you need to take steps to protect yourself and your children.

Denial about his actions and refusing to report him to the police will do you no favours at all. You cannot reason with the unreasonable.