We’ve been a couple for 20 years, married for 17, have two children, one who is disabled and requires a lot of care.
From the start we had a good sex life but my sex drive was much higher than his. We experienced infertility and ended up having multiple IVF cycles and during this time he started pushing me away if I touched him/came onto him or suggested we had an early night. I put this down to the IVF and eventually we had our children, again I’d often be pushed away but I put that down to having a young baby/being exhausted.
Over the years it has got worse and worse. Over the past 3 years we’ve had sex maybe 3- 6 times a year and when we do, it’s because I’ve got upset and asked him if anything is wrong/why doesn’t he want to be near me? It’s not just the sex that I’ve missed but the intimacy as well. We literally live like two people (I wouldn’t even say friends particularly) who live in the same house and share meals.
Over time, I’ve recognised that we only have sex or any sort of intimacy after I’ve instigated a discussion to talk about our relationship and started to feel very much like he was having sex to ‘shut me up’ for another few months. As soon as we’d had sex we were back to no intimacy, no contact just two people living in the same house.
This got worse and worse until the last time we had sex I lay and cried afterwards. He’s admitted to an erectile dysfunction problem in the last 6 months and has been to the GP for viagra but we haven’t used it. He hasn’t wanted to have sex and if I’m honest, neither do I anymore. I really don’t want to be intimate anymore with someone who so clearly doesn’t want to be near me.
We’ve talked about this and he refuses to discuss anything that’s gone on and says that is the past, we need to focus on now and maybe just have sex. I very much need to discuss our history and all the times I’ve been ignored or pushed away. I really don’t want to have sex with him, my self esteem is on the floor and I don’t want it lowered any further.
Has anyone else been through similar or have any suggestions? I’m considering relate but am wondering if our marriage can survive this.