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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Together for kids - how does it work?

20 replies

coco123456789 · 05/05/2019 20:17

DH has said that we’re basically together for the kids. Yet we still live as a married couple. We share a bed, eat together, watch telly together etc. We don’t sit in separate rooms. But no intimacy. We spend our time together at the weekends. I don’t want to force a discussion that will end up in him moving to the spare room, I sort of hope that by at least being in the same bed there could be some hope, things could go back. It’s very hard as I really love him, but we have had a really bad time the last couple of years. A lot of stress and resentment as we have 3 little kids and he’s always at work or traveling. If you are ‘together for kids’ have you set out parameters for how this works?

OP posts:

ohdearymeehee · 05/05/2019 20:19

Sure it wasn't just a passing comment ? And not read into it too much ? My husband says all sorts I never pay attention to him . He generally never means any of it he's just in a nark over something's

Original poster

coco123456789 · 05/05/2019 20:23

Not a passing comment. Been 3 weeks since he said it and has been very cold. Yet still sleeping in the bed and having dinner together and stuff. I have been trying to be extra nice since he said it but that has just annoyed him. I guess that maybe it just suits him to be at home as that’s where the kids are. I feel like if he wants a ‘together for kids’ set up that’s something that is more established with agreed rules?

OP posts:

stucknoue · 05/05/2019 20:25

My h said this a few years back, he moved into the spare room when youngest turned 18, but in between things seemed fine. He claims now they weren't. I think it's important to talk, we didn't and I'm struggling now

teddytedted · 05/05/2019 20:27

I think the best thing to do would be to talk to him about it and set some boundaries . I'd personally want to no "what's changed " or why he has changed his opinions towards you . Otherwise it would annoy me !

Original poster

coco123456789 · 05/05/2019 20:42

Youngest is only 1 - I don’t see how this can work really. Seems like the sort of thing people do when their kids are only a few years off gcses. How do I get through years of family life, holidays etc?

OP posts:

Justbreathing · 05/05/2019 20:48

What do you actually want
You can’t walk on eggshells forever

Mummyshark2018 · 05/05/2019 20:55

Do you have any time together as a couple? Date nights etc? Imo it's normal to get into a rut sometimes and see yourselves as housemates who share children. It is positive that he's still in the bed. Can you suggest going out/ doing something and see if there's still something you can cling into?

Original poster

coco123456789 · 05/05/2019 20:56

I want to go back to a normal relationship. To work on things. Feel like it would be kinder on me if there is no hope of that, to cut our losses. My DM says not to rush to make rules, to let it play out. I have been a nightmare (fault on both sides) but if I am kind and easy to live with he could come round, but just not to create a big drama

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/05/2019 21:05

How have you 'been a nightmare?'

Original poster

coco123456789 · 05/05/2019 21:07

I think there is so much to work on but he won’t let me touch him. I have been hard with since baby 3 was born - resentful of him being at work all hours and so full on with his career. I have been very lonely.

OP posts:

DippyAvocado · 05/05/2019 21:11

I don't think you should put all the blame on yourself. Your children are at the hardest age and it puts a lot of strain on a relationship. It often feels like there's no energy for anything else after dealing with the children's needs. You do need to discuss it though. Maybe start by seeing if there are small ways you can plan to spend more time together. Would you consider counselling?

ichbineinstasumer · 05/05/2019 21:12

I don't think that is going to work over the long term. It maybe could if it was a mutual, open decision and you agreed how to live as friends. But you're not in that situation, your children are very young and this extremely stressful environment you have to navigate is just going to make your life impossible I would say.

So I suggest you say that no that does not work for you. You would like to stay together and maybe it is worth trying counselling, otherwise you will have to split up.

Good luck

Justbreathing · 05/05/2019 21:15

Your child is only a 1 year old

MoreProseccoNow · 05/05/2019 21:23

I'm sorry, but it sounds like he's checked out already, and you are the only one trying to fix it.

I'm not surprised you are feeling resentful & angry, as your DH isn't supporting you with family life, at a time when it's hardest.

BendyLikeBeckham · 05/05/2019 22:15

Sorry, OP but this is a classic situation where the man already has another woman lined up, or is already having an affair. He wants to maintain his domestic situation to avoid disruption and loss of reputation etc I.e. having his cake and eating it.

Don't let him do this to you. You are worth more than a loveless marriage. Keep your dignity, don't grovel and try and fix things because you can't. He has already broken them.

OldWomanSaysThis · 05/05/2019 22:57

I would say he's seeing someone else, too.

Original poster

coco123456789 · 06/05/2019 14:42

He is so much better than me though. Great job, charismatic. I have no job, no money, no hobbies. Almost feel lucky to just have him living with me. Pathetic I know

OP posts:

Orangecake123 · 06/05/2019 15:01

I grew up watching my father beat my mother and seeing her cry on the stairs.She stayed for us. All my siblings may have done very well on papeer but we all struggle with depression. In my very first therapy session, my therapist actually said "oh my G-d" to some of the things my father had called me. But I thought it was all normal. Your children will pick up on this and it will affect them.

OP one day you will see that you deserve so much more than to settle for this. He is not the sun.He is not better than you and you still have value even if you aren't working or have hobbies. He's already checked out of the relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2019 15:04

No he is not much better than you and thinking such is pathetic and disheartening in a woman these days. You are a mother of three. You are married to this person and have legal rights. This arrangement of his has been made for his own convenience (and reputation, you are now his beard) so not yours or even that matter your children's. All he cares about is his own self here.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, that a loveless marriage could be their norm too?. Some legacy that is to leave them. They won't thank you either for staying with him and could well accuse you of putting him before them. Seek good legal advice re your rights in a divorce settlement and do not just plod along in what is now a dead in the water marriage.

TimeForTea72 · 06/05/2019 16:13

He has another woman...believe me

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