Great relationship but not enough sex

[missconflicted]

Been with my partner 3 years and absolutely head over heels. After a series of terrible relationships I finally feel like I've met the one I want to spend my life with. We have a great relationship, lots of laughs and affection but our sex life is really infrequent - I'm talking about once a month if that.

Now he has always been upfront about having a low sex drive (spoken to doctors about it too) and there is a 16 year age gap between us so I really can't complain too much but I'm starting to miss the intimacy. It's not even like I'm massively bothered about sex myself but it just feels like an important part of our relationship is missing.

We've got into a routine where we almost have to book in the rare sessions we have which I think is because he also takes viagra so needs a little bit of prior warning!!! And also timed around daily life so when the kids aren't here etc. It all just feels very regimented and not often enough.

I think because every other aspect is so good I'm getting hung up on this more than I should. Do I try and bring it up or just accept that this is how it is? How important is sex for you and do you get it as much as you'd like?

I think it’s a funny thing sex. Even if you have it twice a week, it takes up around 0.4% of your weekly time.

Yet when it is missing, it takes up a huge percentage of your headspace

@MBFY162 lol that's one way of looking at it 🙈

As I said it's not like I'm climbing the walls with sexual frustration or massively fed up. It's just that when we do it I always feel that bit closer with him and when it's been a while I miss that feeling of intimacy.

In his defence he's always been straight about his low levels of 'desire' but I can't help feeling a bit unattractive at times and like he's not really considerate of my needs, it's like this is just how it is so I accept it :/

What did the doctors say?
It's a positive that he's upfront about it, that you can talk about it and that he sought medical advice.
I was in a similar relationship where none of the above was the case and sadly it did bother me and was one of the reasons for our split, albeit quite far down the list. Like you, I wasn't going up the walls with physical frustration but still felt like I was missing out. And I think it slowly chipped away at my self esteem/ confidence too.

He had tests for testosterone which came back normal but he says he has always just had a low sex drive. Probably lessened as he's got older as he's in his early 50s now.

It's not a deal breaker for me and it's not like it's completely non existent, I'm just a bit downhearted with the 4-5 week break between it!!

This was my ex - he turned out to be gay. Either way, you should be shagging like rabbits in first few years. It’s not going to get better than this. It’s up to you to decide what you can put up with.

Could you encourage more intimacy? Just even basic touch or massage? Without pressure that it leads to somewhere and if it does (with it without viagra) then it's a bonus.

How old are you ? Do you have children, want children ?

To be brutal I'd cut my losses, it won't get more frequent, it will get less frequent as he gets older, you are incompatible and take it from me being in a sexless relationship is soul destroying

Why are you with somebody that much older than you who can’t keep up sexually? I just don’t understand why younger women date guys in their late 40s/early 50s who can’t do the deed. Why wouldn’t you find somebody with more zest? You’re incompatible. If you like sex then are you really happy settling and spending the rest of your life without much of it. You might as well just be friends sureky? What you describe is a great friendship! You’re letting him suck the life out of you! This issue isn’t going away or getting better. He’s creeping towards 60 right and you’re getting towards your sexual peak. Really not sure you should be settling for just ok at your age. He’s had his time. Find somebody more suitable. There are millions of blokes in the world and you’ve picked an old one who’s past it and can’t be bothered to get it up. Very strange choice. Rethink.

@ShinyShoe sorry I don't mean to be rude but this is absolute rubbish 🙈 I've had my fair share of relationships with men my own age and younger. Yes sex with them might be more regular (not better I may add just more frequent) but lots of other aspects of the relationships were toxic and flawed. I've now met someone who is very romantic, decent and loves me. We have the same interests, wonderful times together and im not going to throw that all away just because there isn't quite as much sex as id like. That's a very depressing view. I'm not saying it's not important but it's not the be all and end all either.

I'm pleased I posted as this has really helped me figure it out in my mind :)

Great point @MBFY162

I think lots of people use time as an excuse

Yes I think there are always reasons not to do things but sometimes you need to find the time to do things as they rarely make you feel worse. How lever low libido is something that is hard to manage I’m sure. If someone only had one arm you wouldn’t expect them to suddenly have two so it’s a similar situation. Someone with a low libido who has admitted that early in a relationship isn’t suddenly going to have a high one. I think matched libido is one of the most important things in a relationship

In his defence he's always been straight about his low levels of 'desire' but I can't help feeling a bit unattractive at times and like he's not really considerate of my needs, it's like this is just how it is so I accept it :/

His lack of sex drive isn’t about you and he’s been honest about it. Unfortunately, it’s part of the price of staying with.

How is it when you do get it. Is he a caring a generous lover?

Viagra improves ability rather than desire, a man in his early 50s should not need it unless there is a medical issue, diabetes, poor circulation etc. Booking sessions in advance sounds a bit grim. Having been with my wife nearly 30 years I have become convinced that being on the same sexual wavelength is key to maintaining a relationship through the bad times, if nothing can be done to make him more interested you will need to consider if you are prepared to continue. Not an easy decision.

When we get down to it it's really really good. Which makes it more frustrating really. It is a bit of an issue but leaving over this isn't in question. He is single handedly the most wonderful man I've ever been with so I really want to work at it not throw in the towel and if it is a physical issue that can't really be altered then I will learn to live with it.

If he's a great man and it's a genuine physical issue it might be worth staying and trying to reach a place with a happy middle. Maybe tell him how it makes you feel unattractive and suggest ways that he can show intimacy more? Touhig, cuddling, chatting etc. Quality is always better than quantity.

There's lots of things you can do other than full penetrative sex. Low sex drive/needing Viagra is one thing but denying intimacy at other times is another.

If you are feeling unattractive/unwanted because of it then his behaviour is unfair to you. Up to you whether you just accept it (in which case it will not get better and will almost certainly get worse) or insist that you as a couple try to make some changes.

I have to say he's a very cuddly, kissy affectionate person. Definitely not withholding affection in that sense. It's just the sexual element. As pp said there are other things he could do but unless he's in the mood it's either all or nothing :/

He should be willing to do "other things" for you if he is not in the mood. Personally I would not dream of refusing to satisfy my wife in "other ways" in the (unlikely) event of me not being willing/able to do the usual. And I would not expect her to refuse me either, she might not be up for, shall we say, a full three course meal, in which case she can tell me to make myself a piece of toast, but I would not expect her to leave me hungry. That is what I mean by being on the same wavelength.

I don’t think he should have to satisfy the OP if he’s not in the mood. If my partner expected anything like that when I wasn’t in the mood I wouldn’t like that at all. I’d feel pressured and that would make me want to be intimate even less!
OP he sounds lovely in all other ways.

Nick nobody has to satisfy anyone if they don't want to! If I'm not in the mood am I expected to give my OH and unwilling BJ?? If he wants to get intimate but physically is unable it's OK for them to be intimate in other ways but only if he wants to. Not out of some sense of obligation.

But why would I "not want to"? I might not be excited by the idea but that is not the same as not wanting to. I would always want to do everything reasonably possible to make her happy and sometimes that will involve doing something that I do not find particularly stimulating, and that applies in many areas, going shopping, going to her kinds of film etc etc, as well as sex.

Going to the shops for someone is not the same as performing sexual acts.

Have u not seen all the threads on here along the lines of 'I just gave birth but my husband keeps pestering me for sex - should I just give him a blow job to shut him up?' nobody should be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into performing sex acts they don't want to.