wedding dilemma

[Sm87]

Hi, desperatly seeking advice on something I've been sticking my head in the sand for a long time..

Two and a half years ago a good friend who I've known since we were early teens - now 31 - sent me a text the day before my birthday saying basically she thinks my partner of now 11 years treats me like crap and always belittles me and puts me down.

She admitted she doesnt know what he's like when we are alone but thats the way she sees it and 'doesnt want to upset me'

It made me feel so low and crap as I had no incline she felt like that I cried so much and just felt - and still feel devestated. She ended it saying sorry she said it but me being me, I replied literally saying 'dont worry about it'

I never told my partner as he would be really hurt as he is a genuinely nice person who wouldnt hurt a fly. We love each other to be bits and hope like everyone to be together forever.

Now to the problem...friend has been engaged since the summer and has asked me to have dinner with some other girls. I know this is an official 'ask to be bridemaid' do. Shes said before I'd be a bridemaid but I'm getting completely cold feet. Please don't flame me but I don't know how I can be for her when I know in my heart if I ever get married I wouldn't feel comfortable asking her as I know what she will be thinking about my partner?

She moved house last year and I've been round loads but shes never invited him (I know its her choice) but she clearly hates him and I feel so stuck. Since the text years ago I literally havent had her come to mine as much as I'd love to have a couples dinner as I get on with her fiance really well

I know its her big day but what do I do?
TIA

Why would she say it if it wasn’t true? What examples did she give?

Does he treat you like crap and belittle you?

How does he behave? What behaviours doesnshe not like?

It does seem a really bizarre thing to send you a text about, if there isn't anything in it.
I can't understand why that would happen.

Is there any truth in it ?
If there genuinely is nothing, then why wouldn't you have met her to ask her where on earth this came from ?
If I got a text like that and there was nothing in it, I wouldn't feel 'low and crap', I would be completely confused, and would have phoned her there and then and asked her what on earth she was talking about / where she'd got that idea from.

Your reaction seems bizarre if your friend has got it so very wrong.

I can't answer the bridesmaid question as I can't understand how you have got to this point.

Did you ever have a proper conversation with her about it? Asked her for examples maybe? It just seems strange for her to think this of him when you don't seem to feel this at all.

Before I made any decisions I’d want to know exactly why she thought those things. You sound very positive about your partner so I wonder if she’s seeing things you’re not.

There must be an indication or isn't there, except maybe you're in denial?

These texts happened years ago, you have remained friends.......but now dont want to be part of her wedding?

That seems odd. Why remain friends with her, if you felt this was such a big deal?
I agree with pp, you feeling low is an odd reaction.

Are you sure she isnt right

It's either jealousy, maybe she fancied him. Or more likely she has, in fact, seen something in his behaviour that has worried her.

For someone to actually go as far as text you about your OH's behaviour towards you strongly suggests she's bothered about something. If she didn't give examples, I'd ask for some. You could be minimising some of your OH's behaviour.

You say she doesn’t know what he is like when you are alone which suggests he is different in company ? .,

Hi thanks for your replies.

My partner can say it how it is sometimes and absolutely no different to anyone else. I think she’s seen us be blunt with each other but it’s always been banter.

None of my other friends have an issue with him - I confided in two about it. The bride is honestly the friend I have always gone to and I decided to not confront her about it because we have never had any argument and genuine get on like a house on fire, nobody makes me laugh more and I didn’t want to fall out over it... Although now aware im in an even more difficult position.

We have always still met up since the text as it got brushed under the carpet but now i now struggling with it.

I should also say in my first previous relationship when I was 18 looking back it was EA and I can assure you it wouldn’t be putting up with that now... so do I now keep my feelings in forever or bring it up and risk losing the friendship?

Recently, after a bit of deliberating between myself and another friend, we decided to bring up the behaviour of one of our friends fiancé.

She invited her round for a chat and asked Q's and said we were worried.

After the discussion, nothing changed, we were all friends, and we were doing a check in. We don't hate her partner as were not the ones in a relationship with him, but granted I personally wouldn't choose him as a friend.

Remember she is your friend, she's not his. She's there for you and always will be. She was just making sure you were ok

If she wants you to be bridesmaid you should do it if you want to. You have been friends for ages...if she asks you and this bothers you - raise it with her and see what she says. She might not want to be your bridesmaid given how she feels about your partner.

so do I now keep my feelings in forever or bring it up and risk losing the friendship?

Well, your friendship has changed anyway, hasn't it ?
It seems odd to think you think you are that close (close enough to be bridesmaids) but you can't talk to her openly and honestly - isn't that what friendships are about?
I would have - as I said - questioned her at the time, but, as you didn't, then I'd ask to meet her 1:1 before this dinner, and talk about the elephant in the room.

Thanks Pepsi - your right she is my friend rather than his. I think a big part of it is she talks about how her and her fiancé have dinner with other couples and i know people will argue it works both ways, we should make the effort to ask them. But I don’t want awkward night especially as my partner doesn’t know and like I say would be hurt knowing.
I think I should see her and be honest - say i should have forgotten about the message but it’s always been in my mind and go from there x

Yes you’re right backtogood, will definitely see her before hand. I can see how it looks like we’re not close from your point of view but we still are; she called me first thing recently when made redundant, very sadly only a month ago when having a miscarriage and FaceTimed me from abroad when he proposed. Like you say the elephant in the room needs to be addressed .thanks again x

OP, I would think that she said it out of concern and love for you.

Now she might be wrong, but why not just accept that the friendship isn't going to be a couples dining together one, but a girls' night or 1-2-1 thing instead? It's good to have that too.

Thanks category I think your right - I need to accept that and still enjoy our girls dinners together x